To All the Men I've Loved Before
by PonderRose
Summary: The plot of "To All the Boys I've Loved Before" in a university setting with adult characters. Also, I've changed the name of Lara Jean because I simply don't like that name (not a self-insert character; people just change a lot in their twenties). Enjoy!
1. The Literal Beginning of Everything

" _It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."_

-Jane Austen, _Pride and Prejudice_

Margot and I had just packed up our dorm rooms. We had to make the annual trip back to the States to renew our visas for next year. And we weren't the only ones. Josh was meeting at the tram stop; we'd be going to the airport together. He and Margot had been dating for two years now, though they've had a thing for each other for much longer. And who wouldn't have a thing for Josh? I certainly did back in high school, but that's another story.

Josh grinned when he saw me and Margot trying to manage four suitcases up onto the platform. "Here," as if to be acting on instinct, he came over to take Margot's and mine extra suitcase; after a quick peck on Margot's cheek. It was almost eight in the morning- ugh. It should be illegal to fly this early, I groaned as we waited patiently for the tram to arrive. It eventually came and Josh made sure we were securely onboard first before dealing with his own single suitcase. Guys- those light packers.

The airport wasn't busy- thank god. We'd done this tone of times before, so it wasn't a struggle to figure out where we needed to be. We got our tickets promptly and went to wait for the gate to be announced. After going through security, where both Josh and I got pulled over to be searched, our gate finally showed up and we made a quick dash to it. For an empty airport, our plane was packed full. Margot got the window seat, Josh sat in the middle, and me at the end. The plane took off without a hitch, and we were on our way back to America.

Now, one thing you gotta know about Josh and me is that we were the best of friends. I know that may sound weird considering that he's dating my older sister, but she thought it was terrific. Granted, I used to have a major crush on Josh- he was actually my first real romantic interest- but I got over that in my adult years. I wouldn't call Josh "my brother", but he was the closest platonic friend I had back in Edinburgh. I adored Josh and I knew he loved me; in that regard we were so lucky. We were friends, I glanced over to see him and Margot sleeping against each other. And I'm so glad we could be. I'm so glad that Margot loved me enough to share her best friend, and him to love me strictly platonically. Or at least that's what I thought at the time.

Daddy and Kitty met us at the airport, and they came with two bouquets of flowers. I ran into Daddy's arms while Margot held Kitty; then we switched. Daddy shook Josh's hand and gave him a ride home. Josh had been our next-door neighbour since we were little. Technically he was my friend first since we were the same age, but he was practically one of the family now. He came over for dinner the next night, after much unpacking done by all of us.

But to back it up a bit. Margot, Josh, and I all went to the same university: the University of Edinburgh. Josh applied to the same university to be close to Margot, which I encouraged. I also applied, partly because my beloved sister and best friend were there, but mostly because it was one of the best schools in the world. Daddy cried the day Margot and I got our acceptance letters. Josh and I had one year of undergrad left while Margot had just finished masters; masters in the UK is one year. She had gotten into a PhD programme in Paris- something she had been dreaming about since we started university. Her start date was the same as ours- the 10th of September.

Unfortunately, however, our Tier 4 visas dictated that we go home every year to renew it. Brexit didn't make anything easier either. Every summer, the three of us packed up everything and came back; we basically lived out of suitcases for four years- three for undergrad. Kitty was with Margot while she unpacked while I was busy with mine. You can't imagine what living in a single tiny dorm room will do to a person's psychology. I had the messiest room imaginable in high school; now as a twenty-four-year-old, I had the neatest room in the undergrad building. Somehow without my realizing it, I just became cleaner in my twenties. All this meant was that I had this knack of putting a ton of stuff in a little space without making it feel cramped or cluttered. You can imagine how happy this made my father; that was a bonus.

I was working on my second suitcase when a knock at my door interrupted my concentration. Looking up, a smile bloomed across my face to see Josh standing at my doorway. His hands were buried into his pockets as per usual; he stepped in mirroring my happy expression. "I'm still not used to your room being this clean." "It hasn't been messy since I was twenty," I countered playfully. "How did you go from the messiest girl I know to this?" "I blame age but living in a dorm for two years might have had something to do with it." His grin grew as he came up to stand near me.

"Are you happy to be back? Home, I mean," Josh asked me. "Yes. Why do you ask?" "You just didn't say much during the flight," he shrugged. "I didn't want to interrupt your and Margot's nap. You know I can't sleep on planes." "Are you tired? Like right now?" "No," I sighed slightly defeated; oh god, I hated the time change. "I just have really bad jetlag," this was proceeded with a side grin his way. "Why don't you unpack later and just rest?" "I hate having unpacked suitcases; there's something about it that… just bugs me." "Heh, you sound like your sister." "I'll take that as a compliment," I said, putting some t-shirts away.

"And what about you, Josh? Are you glad to be back?" "Eh, sort of, I guess," his hand ran through his hair. "It's weird. We've lived in Edinburgh for so long now; it feels more like home than here. Does… that make sense?" "Yeah," my head softly nodded. "Don't tell anyone but I feel the same way. I just… love Europe; I didn't know I could love somewhere so much…." Josh watched me for a moment before grinning and shaking his head a tad. "We're only here for four months. It'll go by quickly." "I know, and I'm happy to be back with Daddy and Kitty." Still… I couldn't help but feel like I left a piece of me back in Scotland; an important piece I kept missing.

Josh took this as his cue to drop the conversation, instead wandering around my room. He spotted a picture of me, Gen, and Peter from back in high school; long before we stopped being friends. Peter had an arm draped over each of us as we made funny faces at the camera. Josh scanned it over before turning back to me, who was busy unpacking all the books I brought back from school.

"I can't believe you kept this all these years." I had to glance up to see what he was talking about. "Oh yeah. I didn't have the heart to throw it out." "Didn't Gen friend dump you in grade twelve; like right before graduation?" "Yeeeeeeeeah, she did. But we haven't spoken much since I moved. I honestly don't know where she is right now." "That wouldn't be a problem if you had FaceBook," Josh sent me a cute smirk. "No way. What would I do with FaceBook? Besides, I don't care what she's doing. I'll probably never see her again." "And Peter? You lost contact with him too?" "Yeah, he was still dating Gen when we heh, broke up- like the petty, idiotic high schoolers that we were. I don't know if they're still together or not." "I see," Josh peered back at the picture. We never talked about Gen or Peter; my two intimate friends from senior high. And I mean "intimate" in the emotional sense; Gen and Peter were a thing and I respected their relationship….. no matter how I felt about Peter.

"Hey guys," Kitty's head unexpectedly popped into my door frame. "Supper's almost ready. Dad's cooking again," her eyes rolled dramatically. "Heh, coming," Josh grinned at her, then he turned back to me. "Since you're set on it, do you want me to help you finish unpacking after dinner? Margot said she wanted to talk about something but that shouldn't take long. She'd probably help if you asked." "Oh no; she's got unpacking of her own to do. We both brought two suitcases plus a carry-on and backpack home, after all," I smiled. "Ok then. But the offer's still good, just in case you change your mind." "Thanks, Josh. I'll let you know how I feel."

 _I'll let you know how I feel._


	2. The Heart-Breaking Breakup

_I found, to my extraordinary joy, a lovely medieval cemetery just a ten-minute walk from our college. My interest in such places only developed after I moved to Europe; specifically, after one trip to Paris. While Margot and Josh went to sample different cafes, I took the tram to the world-famous Cimetière du Père Lachaise. I'd never been to a place like that before and am convinced that no words in the English language can do it justice. But I will try._

 _Imagine entering a forest, surrounded by green as far as the eye could see. And yet, all in between the trees were these countless old grey-stone graves. Literally thousands- you couldn't walk without stepping on someone's tombstone. Graves piling over each other; some pushing so hard that the victim of the assault was crumbling and cracking. Echoless, soundless; just like being in a dense forest. I was twenty-one at the time and looking back, I cringe at my blatantly naïve actions. I went to the graveyard alone, which was a very risky thing for a still innocent girl like me to do in downtown Paris. Luckily for me, nothing happened- but I definitely wouldn't recommend going alone until at least the age of twenty-four._

 _Since I was by myself, I just wandered aimlessly; examining the odd unique gravestone I came across. I saw Edith Piaf and Oscar Wilde's graves, which did have some other people around them. But it was the whole experience that really captivated me. Some places had nothing but graves; I was the only living person. The only living person…. I sat myself down on the edge of a tomb near the south end of the cemetery; disrespectful, I know. While sitting there, lost in my thoughts, a squawk made me jump. Looking over to my right, I was a little delighted to find not one but two ravens perched near me. A sad smile crossed over my face._

" _Hello there." No reply; I guess they weren't the same ravens from The Raven. Still, it was nice to have the company. "Well, I suppose I'm not the only one alive around here," I said, not expecting any sort of response. For some reason, saying that out loud made me think- it made me think of Mom. Mom…. She had more in common with everyone here than me right now. I twirled a little leaf I plucked from a flower, gazing down at the ground with low eyes. After all, I'm alive… but I won't always be. Everyone here was alive at some point; that's how the world works….. My lower lip started to quiver. That's how it is, isn't it? I can't change the fact…. I can't do anything for her now; she's like everyone else here._

 _Before I realized what was happening, tears began to fall from my eyes as I continued to stare off into nowhere. One of the raven's squawked at me, to which I ignored. I just sat there on that grave, crying- silently, uncontrollably crying. And I stayed like that for two hours. Ironically, after that date, I utterly adored graveyards. I went there whenever I wanted to think of her… be close to her. It may sound morbid but it's true- that brought me so much joy and comfort._

I sat with Kitty on the left side of the table while Margot and Josh shared the other end. Daddy was at the head the table, trying to carve up this roast he tried to make for dinner. Kitty kept laughing and Daddy repeated that the meat would be tender all this black; uh huh. The conversation was stuck on Margot's future in Paris, which we were all excited for her. "I can't believe you're going to be living in Paris! I've never been to Paris!" Kitty exclaimed loudly. Margot gave her usual calm grin. "It'll be different; that's for sure." "Don't worry, Margot; you can always come visit if you want a familiar taste of Scotland," I smiled. "Or we'll come visit you," Josh added. "I love Paris; so does Aerity." "I do indeed."

Margot smirked at me. "You like Versailles and that creepy graveyard." "Who wouldn't like Versailles? And Père Lachaise isn't creepy; it's magical." "We'll go to all those places when we come over," Josh proclaimed happily. "I've already booked a ticket for the end of October." I was thrilled to hear this; Josh was already thinking of going to visit my beloved older sister. She's so lucky to have him. But my chest began to tighten when I saw the look on Margot's face. Why isn't she smiling? Isn't she happy to hear that Josh- her boyfriend of two years- was coming to Paris to see her? Wasn't she thrilled? Confusion went to downright horror when next she spoke. "Have you already… paid for the flight?"

Oh god, a frown sprung forth on both Josh's and my lips. No Margot, my stomach felt like it was going to drop out of me and onto the floor. Don't do this; don't hurt him like this. Not Josh…. Not him. "Uh, erm yeah," Josh sounded completely dumbstruck; his expression proved it. "I googled flights the moment you said you applied for PhD there." Margot, I hopelessly gazed up at my sister. "Why?" His poor voice quivered all over itself. Margot!

I closed my eyes the moment she cleared her throat; I closed my eyes…. I couldn't bear to see the look of absolute heart break on Josh's face, in his deep eyes. Thankfully, no one said anything. Kitty was doing something; I don't know, I couldn't see. I heard Daddy sigh and what seemed to be like him resting his head in his hands. Margot's breathing deepened. And Josh…. My best friend; the one who lived with me at the same college all throughout university, the one who walked with me to class every day, the one who desperately loved my sister…. I couldn't open my eyes; I refused to open them.

"Can we talk about this outside?" Margot stood up and left the table, immediately followed by Josh. It wasn't until they were out of the room that my eyes reopened, and I looked to see the devastated rest of my family. I also got up and took hold of Kitty's hand. She blinked up to me puzzled. "Come on," I tucked her gently out of her chair. "Let's give them some privacy." "Aerity," Kitty didn't seem to like the sound of that. But I didn't care; I loved both of them too much to watch. "Thanks for dinner, Daddy," I managed to get out before dragging my little nineteen-year-old sister out of the room.

We sat in the living room, watching reruns of Boy Meets World for what felt like hours. The whole time I did my best to get the look of Josh's destroyed expression out of my head. I know it may sound like I'm siding with Josh on the matter- which is against some sister code- but I knew how much they loved each other. Why Margot would do such a thing is beyond me; it seemed downright heartless to me at the moment. But I wasn't angry at Margot; knowing her, she had her reasons, whether if I agreed with them or not. I respected her decision, even if it tore my best friend's heart in half. That didn't mean I couldn't feel horrible for him however. I did…. oh god, I did.

We were on the episode called "And Then There Was Shawn" when the front door finally opened. Kitty and I looked at each other, not sure what to do right then. I half expected Margot to come running in to us, but she didn't. Instead, we heard her race up the stairs and slam her bedroom door shut. I sighed and shut off the tv. "Alright, you deal with Margot; I'm going to go check on Josh," I instructed Kitty. She nodded and went upstairs without a word. I waited until she was for-sure in Margot's room before heading to the front door.

I ran straight over to Josh's, feeling my heart start to beat faster by the second. I was about to knock on the door until, to my shock and alarm, I found Josh standing in the middle of his front yard. His back was facing me, though I could tell that he was petrified. "Josh?" Hesitantly, I took a step forward. It took him a minute to react, but he eventually turned to face me; boy, did he look a wreck. There were dark circles under his eyes, though he wasn't crying. He was super pale and looked like he might have a stress fever. Oh Josh, my own heart dropped at the sight of someone I loved so much in such a state. Josh… My hand rose up towards him without actually touching.

"Oh Josh, I'm so sorry." "We're over…. done," his eyes rolled into nowhere darkly, depressingly. "Josh….." "All those years….. no matter I love….. none of it matters, does it?" He physically began to shake. "I thought she was the one….. I wanted to…. Oh god, I love her; I love her….." "I know," I half-whispered. "How could she do this to me?" His head sadly shook. "I don't get it….. what did I do?" "Nothing!" My mouth blurted before I had a chance to stop it. "It's probably not your fault, Josh," I immediately went into damage control. "Margot… I-I'm sure she has a reason. But don't blame yourself; there's no point in that. Not now…." "Aerity," Josh's eyes returned to mine.

What happened next was both expected and totally unexpected. Opening up his arms, Josh suddenly came up to me; he tightly embraced me. The impact was so strong that we stumbled back a few steps. On top of that, the pressure was so heavy that we both collapsed onto our butts, landing on the grass. Once we were positioned as such, Josh finally found the nerve to break down. He wept and sobbed uncontrollably on my shoulder. I responded by wrapping my arms around him, pressing him close to me. And we stayed like that for I don't know how long.

Eventually Josh heaved, drawing in a few much-needed inhales. It was only then that he spoke in a very raspy tone. "Aerity….." "I know," I softly rubbed his back. "I know…." "I love her… I loved her so much….." "I know, Josh." "Margot," a new batch of tears covered my back. "Margot; Margot….." All I felt like I could in that moment was to continue holding him in the most comforting way I knew how. "It'll be ok," I cooed softly as his weeps permeated the air. "Everything will be ok."


	3. Not Mine

I entered Margot's room with a brown paper bag in my hand. She was laying on her stomach on her bed; apparently Josh wasn't the only one who'd been crying. Back when we were teenagers, Margot bottled up all her negative emotions; she never cried in front of anyone. But four years of university with lots of psychology lectures on how that is the exact wrong thing to do, she slowly began to embrace her emotions as they came. After all, Margot was all about health- both physical and mental. She'd been up in her room for hours by the time I came in. Kitty had already gone to bed and Daddy was watching tv downstairs.

Margot looked at me as I shut the door behind myself. And then I turned to face her. "Hi," I greeted her sadly. "Hi," she whispered in return, not moving her position at all. "How's Josh?" "Pretty torn up," I came to sit myself down on Margot's bedside. "I held him for like a good hour outside his house while he cried on my shoulder." "Thank you for being there for him," she sighed. "He's lucky to have you." "Thanks," my eyes lowered a tad.

"And how about you? How are you holding up?" "Ugh," she peered up at the ceiling. "Horrible; this is sheer agony." "I brought you some ice cream." Margot didn't reply. "It's Ben and Jerry's Phish Food; your favorite." "Ben and Jerry's is like super expensive over here." "That doesn't matter. I thought you could use a pick-me-up." And she lightly smiled for the first time.

I set the bag down and turned to face her straight on with a serious expression. "I'm not mad," I began. "And I'm not going to ask why you did it; I know you must have your reasons. But please… let me comfort Josh. He's really in a bad place right now." "Of course!" Margot sat up. "Josh isn't my property; you don't have to stay away from him because we broke up. You have my blessing to keep your relationship with Josh, however it evolves." "Really?" "Yes. I broke up with him, remember? I have no right to say you can't be friends with him, or more." "Thanks, Margot," I reached over to take her hand, giving it a squeeze.

Margot grinned and then fell back onto her back, staring upwards; I spotted tears still in the corner of her eyes. "I'm so sad," she blurted as if speaking to no one in particular. "I know you are." "I have to get away, just for a little while; I have to leave….." "I understand." She sucked in a deep breath. "I'm going to stay with some friends in Vancouver for a while; after I submit my visa application." "That's a good idea. You love Vancouver and it'll give you two some breathing room. I think you both need it." "Will you take care of Josh for me?" She asked, rolling to her side. "You know him almost as well as me. And I trust you, Aerity." "Of course I'll watch over him," I brushed some stray hairs off her cheek. We smiled at each other before I pulled back and chuckled to myself.

"I have to tell you, Margot; I used to have the biggest crush on Josh." "You did?" "Yeah, back when we were in middle school. He was the first boy I ever liked… Heh, I even wrote a letter to him. Never sent it of course; I don't know what happened to it actually." "You wrote Josh a letter?" Margot repeated with slight amusement. "Yeah, and I was all embarrassed about it too in high school. You know, before I knew anything?" And she laughed. "You gotta know I still love him, Margot; but it's different now." "I know…" Her eyes scrolled down slightly.

Neither of us said anything right after this. Margot let out a pained sigh and re-buried her face into her pillow. I rubbed her back, not speaking until she did again. "Aerity, I'm so sad…" She finally gasped. "I know you are," my hand kept rubbing consolingly. "I feel so bad for Josh….. it's not his fault." "It's ok, Margot." "I love him…. I love him." "I know you do." "I love him," she breathed in. "But he's not mine." I didn't understand what she meant by that exactly, and it turns out that I wouldn't for some months to come- four exactly. I didn't understand, but I would… just as Margot did now, someday soon I would.


	4. I'm Here

_I never read E.L. James's books but after taking a few psychology classes, I got really interested in why they became such a phenomenon in the first place. As a result, I read lots of articles and watched tons of YouTube videos on the subject. And while it still remains a mystery to me, I did learn lots. Namely that situations like relationships with individuals deemed "dangerous" are only considered "sexy" under very specific circumstances. In the academic world, this is called Performative Consent. It's essentially pretend danger- not real danger. People indulge the illusion of risk and control without actually engaging in it in real life, although such situations can still have some risk. This is what keeps it sexual; it needs to be basically illusionary for it to "turn us on". Why? Because real danger isn't sexy. To quote an online lecture I listened to: it is the illusion of danger that is arousing. But the moment one of the partners feels genuinely afraid, it is no longer sexy._

 _Why am I saying all this? Because I used to be so innocent; there was a time, like for all of us, that I didn't know anything. Bad boys used to be cool back in high school; it was hot when the boy just grabbed the girl and kissed her. I adored the movie Sixteen Candles. But now my views and tastes have rapidly changed. I no longer find dangerous bad boys- in fantasy or reality- sexy because I know what real fear is like. It is easy to think the way I used to when nothing actually bad had happened to you in real life; unfortunately, I can no longer say this is my case. I wish it was different and I was still that innocent trusting girl, but I'm not. I'm not…._

 _Josh, Margot, and I all went to Brussels one weekend in May. Josh and Margot were going to meet me near the Grand Palace while I was coming back from a movie; 2016's Beauty and the Beast in Dutch. I was twenty-three at the time which meant that I was a lot warier and more cautious than prior years. Luckily, or unluckily for me, town square was jam-packed; it always was at this time of day. I made Margot and Josh promise to meet up with me before dark and the sun was already starting to set. A hint of worry washed over me as I manoeuvred through the crowds._

 _Like usual, there were tons of people trying to sell tourists souvenirs all around. I came across one man- and I do mean man. He looked like twenty years older than me; wide but not tall, with a balding bulging head. The moment he spotted me, he flashed me a toothy grin. I felt immediately disgusted and tried to avoid eye contact. That didn't deter him though. "Hi beautiful," he said in his raspy English. Beautiful…. someone his age shouldn't be calling me that; he was old enough to be my dad. I wanted to get away but couldn't move sideways due to the crowds. The man took the opportunity to try and solicit to me. "Look, two for ten," he held up a ring full of bracelets and other tin trinkets. "But for you, half off," his smile grew intently._

 _I couldn't manage to verbally respond; my throat was cotton. With the upmost effort, I used all my strength to force the faintest grin as I slowly shook my head. Sensing it was time to get the hell out of there, I somehow pushed forward past some people. It felt like I had gotten away for a moment; just a moment….._

 _Then, to my absolute shock and horror, I felt a rough, firm grip on my forearm; not my wrist, my upper arm. The pain hit first- it felt like getting my blood pressure checked at the doctors. Spinning my head around, my eyes grew in terror to see the same man holding onto me. His smile was completely gone, and his expression was horrifying- simply frightening. His eyes sharply sliced the space between us, cutting over to me. And that's when a horrible familiar feeling started to swell all over my body. Every part of me began to feel hot, my vision blurred and sharpened at the same time, and colors became more vibrant as my senses flared- not in a good way. I knew in less than a second that if I didn't away from this man, I would have a full-on panic attack. And all I could think about after that was his hand on me; his gross, fat, strong hand holding me in place, right where he wanted me._

" _You deaf?" He hissed, not hiding the venom in his tone. "I asked you a question." Now, you think such a scene would attract attention but believe it or not, this sort of thing was common in Europe. Hence why I'm like this now. My heart beat rapidly right then; so rapidly I thought I might have a heart attack. Then, I'm not sure why- maybe the adrenaline finally kicked in- but I found the strength to say something. Even yell. "Let go of me!" I wasn't yelling at him per se, but everyone who has ever touched me like that before. I was sick of being the victim; I was a victim when I was twenty-two years old and that was enough. It was not ok for men to grab me like that- it was not ok._

 _Within the blink of an eye, I yanked my arm out of his grasp somehow; to this day, I don't know how I did that. Without looking back, I ran as fast I could to the castle. My vision was just blurry now as my tears were blinding me. Josh was already there, waiting for me and Margot, who left for some reason. I saw him before he saw me, but he spotted me soon enough. Before he even had a chance to say my name, I raced into him, grasping desperately at his shirt. It was only then that I broke down, crying into his chest. In lieu of Margot, Josh responded first with alarm then sympathy. Without asking me what's wrong, he merely wrapped his strong arms around me. Despite Josh holding me, I could still feel where the brute grabbed onto my arm; there definitely would be a bruise the next morning. And he understood; without me saying a word, Josh understood. While I just cried and cried, my best friend gently cooed and rocked us side to side. "It's ok; I'm here," he comforted in the sweetest, most reassuring tone. "No one can hurt you now, I'm here."_


	5. Josh Sanderson

My eyes opened to see the morning sunlight seeping in from the sides of my curtains. My alarm clock had not gone off yet; it would in a few minutes or so. That trip to Brussels… I hadn't thought of it in a long time. Rolling to my side, I stared blankly at my pink wall; it used to be covered with posters in my teenage years- now it was bare. Huh, I wonder why I dreamed of that? It's been so long; we never talk about it anymore simply because I don't think of it. My eyes lowered softly as I remembered the events of last night. I swear I could still feel Josh's strong arms wrapped desperately around me. Maybe that's why; he did last night what I did to him back in Belgium. He ran to me for comfort, knowing full well I would give it. Josh…. My lips parted a little as I reminded myself to breathe. That's the way it's always been for us, hasn't it? We comfort and console each other, unconditionally….. Always unconditionally.

I hadn't seen Josh in three days. When he ignored the three texts I sent him, I chose to give him space. That was fine by me; I'd give him whatever he needed right now. If he needed to be alone, I didn't take it personally; Josh wouldn't want me to. Now that may sound the "too perfect" friend, but Josh and I had this understanding. Space between us was never taken to be personal. That came from constant communication and trust built up over years; things were different in high school- believe me.

While Josh took some time for himself, Kitty and I saw Margot off at the airport. She flew to Vancouver, only to return at the end of summer. Admittedly we were sad to see her go but we- or at least I- understood why. This city was full of memories surrounding her and Josh; not the best environment to get over someone. I didn't know it at the time, but this logic applied to Josh as well as Margot, though I wasn't the least surprised.

That night, Josh called me; he asked me to come over to his place, which I immediately complied. He initially apologized for ignoring me for three days. "It's ok, Josh," I grinned over at him as we sat on his front porch. "This is a really hard time for you; I know you're in pain." "Thanks for understanding," he didn't look me in the eye; just kept staring down at his clasped hands. This confused me a little, but I didn't think it important enough to address, and turns out I didn't have to. He drew in a long breath like he was trying to formulate the correct words in his head. "I think… I need to get away from here. Margot left; I think it's my turn."

This didn't surprise but still alarmed me to hear. First Margot left and now him? My best friend in the whole world? They'd both be gone for the summer? I instinctively bit my lower lip at the thought. That can't really happen, can it? Josh finally looked up at me, quickly analyzing my expression. "I'm sorry, Aerity; I'm so sorry. This has nothing to do with you." "J-Josh…." "It's just, it's so hard to be here right now. Everything reminds me of her when I'm trying to forget…." His gaze drifted off into nowhere again. "She told me to get over her in a healthy way." Classic Margot; caring for everyone, even when she breaks their hearts. "I think… to truly get over Margot, I have to spend some time with myself; get to know who I am, single….."

I didn't say anything; I really couldn't. What was I supposed to say to that? Losing both my sister and best friend in the same week; how could I respond in any way that wasn't negative? So I merely nodded my head and blinked away. This made Josh turn back to me with a slightly worried face, for some reason. "Aerity?" No reply. "Aerity, please understand….." My lips part a tiny bit. "I do….." "I have to get over her; I don't want the next girl I date to be a rebound. That wouldn't be fair to her," his eyes scrolled up to mine. "Whoever she is." And I silently turned to face my beautiful best friend; we just stared at each other for a minute before I softly, slowly nodded. "Ok, Josh," I said, though I couldn't hear the words coming out of my mouth. It was painful…. "Please do what's right for you." Too painful. "I'll support whatever you do." Josh looked like he was about to cry again, and I was already on the verge. His arm wrapped over my shoulder as he pulled me up to lean against him. We stayed like that, saying nothing. There was nothing else to say….

Kitty and I drove Josh to the bus station in the middle of downtown two days later. He had found a little place to stay by the sea… for a whole month. Kitty drove since I wasn't comfortable with driving on American roads yet; not after living in the UK for so long. We arrived at the station, Josh signed in, and we went to the bus corral. He set his backpack down and grinned over at us.

"Thanks for the ride." "No problem," Kitty flashed a sad smile. "Will you text when you've arrived safely?" I asked in a shaky voice. "Of course. You too have a good month, ok? Look after your sister for me, ok?" He playfully told Kitty, who responded with a nod. They hugged and she wiped a tear away. Then Josh awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, can I talk to Aerity alone for a moment?" Kitty blinked in surprise, moving her eyes between us. But eventually she smiled and went to the waiting area, waving one last good bye until she sat down. Josh waited until she was out of earshot before gazing down at me with the softest, most compassionate eyes.

"Aerity…." "Josh," I quietly replied. "This whole thing… I never expected…. I never thought I'd lose her." "Yeah, me either…" Josh waited a minute, taking his time. Fine by me; anything to keep him here longer. "I lost….. I lost Margot, but there's one person I know I won't lose; I can't lose. Aerity, you… you're my best friend; this'll be the longest we've ever been apart from each other. When Margot went off for that first year of university, I was ok because you were with me. You've always been there, always…"

My mouth remained shut as I looked up into his deep, lovely eyes. They were shining down at me, desperately. "Aerity, I lost Margot; I can't lose you too- not you. That would be too much… I still…" He nibbled his lower lip to keep it from quivering. "I still love Margot, so much, but you…. Can we still… be friends?" He sounded almost afraid to ask me this. I knew what he was referring to; that whole code "you can't be best friends with your sister's ex"- which isn't real, by the way. Instead of answering right away, I just stared at him- my beloved Josh. My hands rolled into fists as my red lips parted slightly, much in need of air. Josh… Josh…. Simply, perfectly Josh.

"Yes," I whispered without realizing it. "Oh yes." And the way he looked at me…. the way his eyes glistened…. That alone made the pain I was about to endure worth it; totally worth it. Josh didn't move for a second, then without words, he removed the black beaded bracelet on his wrist. He took my hand, placing them in it. Now, I knew these beads; Josh bought them back in Paris years ago- he wore them everywhere every day. He never let anyone else wear them, not even Margot. I was utterly dumbfounded as he wrapped my hand around them. And then he looked at me; he simply, effortlessly beheld me.

"J-Josh?" After a few moments, I finally came to, comprehending what he had just done. In response, he leaned forward to press his forehead against mine. His eyes gently shut as we stayed like that. "Keep you….." He eventually whispered. What is he…? "Please, let me keep you. I've lost so much already. Please be the one thing I never have to worry about losing. Be my constant…. Be the one thing in the world I can keep no matter what- my very best friend." Oh, I see, I recognized as tears formed in the corners of my eyes. Reassurance, he needs me to reassure him that I won't abandon him, leave him…..

The very concept made me throw my arms around Josh's neck, being careful to hold tight onto the bracelet. Josh seemed startled at first but quickly wrapped his arms around me, holding me closer. "I will never leave you, Josh," I said in the most assuring tone as possible. "You are my best friend; no matter what happens, I will always be here for you." Always.


	6. Ice Cream with Kitty

Neither of us realized it at the time but Kitty saw- she saw the whole scene. Not that she brought it up right away. Sensing that I was constantly on the verge of tears, she drove us to an ice cream shop downtown. I ordered an M&M sundae while she got a banana split. Our ice cream was consumed in virtual silence, with Kitty periodically eying the bracelet still in my hand. She thought that the best time to probe was when we were two-thirds done our desserts.

"It's gonna be weird this summer, without Margot and Josh." I quietly responded with a nod. "At least Josh will only be gone for a month; he'll be back before you know it." No reply this time. Yet another pregnant pause followed. Kitty got this knowingly look on her face as she rested her chin on her folded hands. "You're in love with Josh, aren't you?"

This made me choke on the ice cream I was currently swallowing. Wiping my mouth, I blinked at her incredulously. "Of course I love him; he's my best friend." "No," she shook her smart-ackee head. "I mean you're "in love" with him. Like romantically, not platonically." "What? No! Margot just broke up with him. Even… if I was to develop those kinds of feelings for Josh, it wouldn't be right away. They're still mourning, like a lot." "Uh huh," of course she didn't look convinced. "I'm serious, Kitty. We're not in high school anymore; I respected his and Margot's relationship. I love him as my best friend- that's it." "If that's true, then why haven't you let go of his bracelet?"

My eyes had to blink several times as I digested what she just said. As if I needed proof, I gazed down to my hand- it was still clinging onto the black bead bracelet tightly. Huh, I didn't even realize that I was doing that…. It just sort of happened. Kitty smirked in victory, annoying me a little as she leaned back and crossed her arms. "See? You do love him." I sighed. "Holding onto this doesn't mean anything. I just… don't want to lose it." "If that's true then let me hold it," her hand reached out towards me. "No!" Acting on impulse, my own hand moved directly under the table- still clinging onto the beads. This only made Kitty's grin grow. "Oh, you're the only one who can hold it; is that right?" "Yes," I finally admitted. No one else was touching this bracelet; no one. Josh gave it to me- it's mine. Only mine.

But…. obviously this didn't help my case. "Why are you so in denial? Didn't Margot give you her blessing to go for it? Just tell him you love him, as more than a friend." "Because… I don't… I just don't know how I feel right now!" I said a little louder than I should have. "He's my best friend, Kitty. You can't just go from friends to dating like that; especially when he's still in love with Margot. He told me himself he's still in love with her." "He won't always be," she countered slyly. This girl…. I eyed her unimpressed.

"Look, Kitty. You're still young, so I don't expect you to understand this fully," I remarked a little condescendingly. Petty, I know; but I wasn't in the best of moods right now. "It would be morally wrong to develop feelings for Josh while he was with Margot, and I didn't. I wanted them to stay together! I supported their relationship whole-heartedly." "I know you did," she surprised me slightly with this. "But did you ever think why you did? You, who read and took all those psychology classes?" "What are you getting at?" My stare sharpened onto her. "Did it ever cross your mind that maybe you supported their relationship because it kept Josh close?"

My mouth shot open, but no words came out. That was….. alarmingly insightful, particularly for Kitty. She grinned before continuing. "Think about it. With him dating Margot, he was close to the family; he was always there. It was easy to be his best friend, right? But if he dated someone who wasn't your sister, he would slowly leave to go into her life. Besides, how many girls would be ok with their boyfriend having a female best friend?" Oh, that's very true; I never thought about that before. "Margot trusted you two completely, and you guys never betrayed that trust, right?" "No, absolutely not." "Exactly. Another woman- especially one who didn't know you- probably wouldn't be that trusting. With Josh dating Margot, you were free to be as close to him as you want while still respecting their relationship. That's why you wanted them to keep dating, am I right? So long as Margot loved him, and him her, he'd always be around- just like you wanted."

I merely stared at my younger sister with the widest eyes. Holy crap…. when did she get so smart?! I admit I have this slight prejudice against teenagers because I know how stupid I was as one. I mean I was embarrassed that I wrote my crushes each a love letter for pete's sake! I was under the assumption that anyone under the age of twenty-two was a total idiot, particularly on the matter of love. But here Kitty was… being utterly correct. She out-psychologized the senior university student, who studied in Europe! I still had my reservations on the thought that I could be "in love" with Josh in that way….. but damn. For the first since I turned sixteen, it felt like it might be possible. I gazed down at the bracelet in my palm. It could be…. maybe.


	7. First Sight

_Gen and I were sitting in the cafeteria during the first week of high school; you know, before we never sat in the cafeteria again. In our youthful arrogance, we- or rather Gen- was pointing out guys who we found hot. Being in a large city, our high school had a plethora of students. This means that there was no lack of potentially datable guys around, and Gen was more than a little excited to enter her first relationship. I, on the other hand, was a little more reserved on the issue. I'd like a boyfriend, eventually….. but I wasn't sure if I was ready for one just yet. I was only fifteen after all._

 _Gen motioned to one guy with her plastic fork. "Hottie, twelve o'clock." I looked over to who she was referring to. "He's cute, I guess." "You guess? Come on, Aerity; you gotta loosen up a little if you want a boyfriend." "I'll get one…. eventually." I twiddled with my own fork. "What? You're just gonna wait for Mr. Right to come along?" "Doesn't everyone?" This genuinely confused me- oh, the cringe. Gen rolled her eyes and grinned. "Oh, Aerity; you're so innocent. Not every relationship is meant to last; we're supposed to have fun, remember?" Clearly, we had different definitions of fun._

" _What about him? He's cute," she pointed discreetly at someone with black hair; I didn't know the name of anyone yet. "You've pointed out like ten cute guys already," my eyes rolled dramatically. "Alright, Miss Romance. You pick out someone." In my later years, I would have noted what a childish- not to mention shallow- game this was and refused to participate. But since I was a mere young girl, I thought it might be a little exciting to imagine myself with someone; even if I never said so out loud. I scanned around the room, innocently inspecting all the boys about._

 _But my gaze eventually landed on one who just entered the room. I'll never forget those first few moments when I saw him. Tall, dark, handsome; so cliché but so true. His hair was dark and thick, and his body was stocky and built; or as built as a fifteen-year old's body could be. He was wearing a black hoodie with long, baggy jeans. Of course, he didn't notice me but that didn't matter at the moment. I simply gawked as cheesy rom-com music played in my mind, like a scene from a movie._

 _Gen noticed me watching with interest and turned her head to see for herself. And her own mouth dropped. "Who is that?" I heard her gasp. "I don't know….." Her expression went from stunned to smiling slyly. "Now that's what I'm talking about. He's the one." "Yes, he is….." I said before I could stop myself. I didn't realize at the time that we were both looking at the guy we would fall desperately in love with later this year- the last boy I would ever write a love letter to. Him- the most popular boy in school: Peter Kavinsky._


	8. Peter Kavinsky

I hadn't thought of Peter in years. Funny, he was all I could think about before I moved to Europe for the first time. It all happened so suddenly. Of course he'd pick Gen over me; he was her boyfriend after all. And since it was Gen who "dumped" me, he automatically had to do the same. This made perfect sense to me at the time; now, no matter how it hurt. Now I look back a cringe at all of our actions, including my own. I acted irrationally and short-sighted; however, as a seventeen-year-old, I didn't know any better. So I was petty and stupid- so stupid. And I suffered for it, missing and longing for Peter for three years.

I'm not sure when thoughts of Peter started to evaporate from my mind. It happened so gradually that I didn't notice. As Josh and I spent more time together and traveled all around the continent with Margot, I began to change- both internally and externally. In essence, I grew up. A lot of that happened when I was twenty-two, but I don't want to talk about that; it's too painful to even remember. After that was when I started to see Josh in a different light. Through everything he remained immovable at my side, from holding me during my many panic attacks to testifying to the police. Slowly, slowly Josh became my most intimate friend; my loyalist companion. Something Peter never was and never could be- not with Gen in the picture.

Chris, or Christine as her parents called her, met me at the mall two days after Josh had left. I was still a little bit in a funk, and she insisted on getting me out of the house. After much nagging and prodding, I relented, and she picked me up that afternoon. The mall- a place I had not been in almost a year; we didn't have a huge mall like this in Edinburgh. Arm-in-arm Chris and I made our way up and down the floors, drinking Jugo Juices along the way. Ok, I wasn't really a mall person and I still missed Margot and Josh like crazy, but I actually enjoyed this. I missed Chris and hanging out casually with her like this. She was the one thing Gen didn't get in the breakup.

"A year's too long. Why did you have to move so far me?" Chris playfully groaned, making me grin over at her. "Uh, school? Education? Top universities in the world?" "Yeah, yeah," her eyes rolled. "You have to admit the year did go by fast." "Well yeah, it kinda did. But it's so weird! It's only been a year but we're so different now." "Speak for yourself," I gave her a light nudge. "I'm serious! Last summer, we were with Josh and Margot like every day. I can't believe they're broken up now!" "Yeah," my eyes lowered softly. "Me either….." "They were so in love!" "I know… none of us saw it coming." Especially Josh.

I wasn't expecting the playful shove Chris suddenly gave me, breaking my train of thought. "But hey! At least he's "available" now," she winked. "What the…? What are you implying?" I sounded affronted. "You know…." "No, I don't; you've got to explain it to me." "Josh is free to date whoever he wants now." "Yes? He is," I raised an eyebrow. "So…." "So what?" "So when are you going to ask him out?" And again, I choked on the smoothie currently in my mouth. What was with people asking me these sorts of questions while I'm eating? I shot Chris a dumbfounded expression, to which she only smiled shrewdly.

"Me? Ask Josh out?" I managed to choke out. "Yeah? I mean you're in love with him, aren't you?" "Why do people keep saying that?! I love Josh as a friend; that's the only way I've loved him all these years." "Oh sure," just like Kitty, she didn't sound at all convinced. "Then why do you carry his bracelet everywhere?" The beads were currently safely tucked away inside my backpack. After living in Europe for so many years, I gave up trying to carry a purse and used a small, cute backpack instead. I frowned but didn't reply. I'm not sure myself what that meant- or I did know and wouldn't let myself analyze the situation- but those beads weren't going anywhere. They stayed with me; where I went, they went. That's just the way it was.

Chris opened her mouth but what she said next was not what I was anticipating; not in the slightest. She merely peered forward and frowned. "Ugh, what are they doing here?" "Who?" But I didn't have to ask; looking ahead of us down the hall I saw them- them. Two individuals I hadn't seen in many years. Gen and Peter were the closest they had been to me since graduation, and they didn't appear to have spotted us yet. Actually, they looked to be arguing about something; heh, quarreling in public- classy Gen. But then, without conscious realization, my eyes drifted over to him. Peter- my Peter, the Peter I loved so dearly back in high school. There he was; after all this time of wishing, longing….. there he was, right in front of me. A flood of memories swept over my mind, but one stood out predominately. Just one…. one brilliant scene between us… a long time ago.

 _Maybe I wasn't the best student in computer class; revise, I know I wasn't the best. And yet somehow, I managed to complete the course with a B+, somehow. Our teacher was this old man who spoke very quietly but with great authority. I was afraid of him, very much so; but that didn't keep me from mentally wandering off and doing my own thing during class. After he gave us instruction, we were supposed to go onto the computers and do the assigned work. I however, in my youthful indulgence, would spend the whole time writing short stories, fanfics, and poems. I read so much romance- or what I thought was romance- that I often felt inspired to write myself. Luckily for me, I was never caught either- not by the teacher anyways._

 _I had just finished a poem in Word; not that I could save it on the school computers. I never got too attached to my work here because I knew that the moment I logged off, it would be erased. And if I printed in class, the teacher- I very well can't remember his name- would know I hadn't been doing the assignment. On this particular day, I had been so concentrated on my ahem, work that I didn't hear the bell ring or Mr. Scary Man tell us to log off. Consequently, I was in such a hurry that not only did I not sufficiently close Word, but I forgot to logoff. I just grabbed my backpack and raced out of the room, formulating my way through the next class coming in._

 _My next class was gym- yippy. We had ten minutes to get ourselves changed and into the gymnasium. It was during those ten minutes in the changeroom that I came to the horrific realization that I didn't logoff. Now that wouldn't have been a problem if I had successfully closed my poem. But I hadn't….. and now whoever was sitting at my computer could read my private work. Looking back, this wasn't a problem at all; I only made it one thanks to my flawed teenage logic. My fifteen-year-old-self dashed out of the changeroom and down the empty hall, running all the way to the computer lab in nothing but my gym uniform._

 _I froze at the doorway, peering in to see who was at my assigned desktop. Imagine my utter horror to find the same guy that Gen and I saw in the cafeteria earlier. Him! Why him of all people?! Of course Mr. Hottie would be assigned the same computer as me; cause we live in a movie or YA novel. Yeah, these things happen in real life! But they did, I inwardly groaned over and over. And now I had to deal with this._

 _With a quick check around to see that Mr. Scary Man wasn't in the room- he usually left for a bathroom break after the start of class- I drew in the deepest breath and made myself march inside. That was a lot harder said than done. I stuck out like a sore thumb in my gym uniform, immediately drawing everyone's attention as I entered. Shyly, very shyly, I made my way up to the back of Mr. Hottie's monitor. He blinked up at me with those endless eyes of his, parting his lips a tad._

" _Can I help you?" Wow was this dumb, I suddenly realized in that moment. He wouldn't be on my account; he'd have to be on his own to do the work. This really wasn't thought out well, I understood as I stood there like a moron; my cheeks kept reddening by the second. "U-uh, sorry! This was my computer last class. I-I forgot to logout," I blurted out; again, like a total idiot. Mr. Hottie looked at me for a moment like a light bulb had turned on. Why? I had no idea; it actually alarmed me a little._

" _Oh, so you're the poet?" What? "I was wondering who wrote this." What…. What is happening? My jaw dropped open, though no words came out. I was speechless; for the first time in my life, I was absolutely, utterly gobsmacked. Not only did he not log out of my account, but he actually read my poem! My private, personal work! Oh god, my chest started to tighten. Oh my god! Here I was, the first boy I talked to in high school- minus Josh- and he's gonna think I'm a loser! I'm never going to get a boyfriend! What's wrong with me?!_

 _Mr. Hottie didn't respond right away, just watching my internal reaction for a quiet minute. Then he smiled; not smirked, smiled. "I've never read poetry before, but this isn't bad. You have some real talent." This made me stare back at him; just look at him in disbelief and awe. No one's ever said that to me before; I've never shown anyone my work before. He was the first reader of mine- the very first one. And he complimented me….. he said something nice to me._

 _My cheeks were blushing for a totally different reason now. The rest of the class seemed to disappear all around us as I continued to stare at him and him me. It really wasn't that romantic looking back, but at the time it felt like the ground had shifted under my feet. His lips morphed into a smile, which I instinctively mirrored. "What's your name?" He finally broke the silence but not his lovely smile. "Uh, Aerity! Aerity Covey." "Cool name. Nice to meet you, Covey; I'm…."_

" _Miss Covey!" We both flinched in alarm at Mr. Scary Man's angered tone. I hesitantly peered over to see an upset teacher motioning me over. Without looking back at Mr. Hottie, I dragged my feet over to him with my head hung low. Boy, did he look angry; planting his hands firmly on his hips and tapping one foot. "Miss Covey, I believe the bell rang ten minutes ago. What does that mean?" Oh god, this was humiliating. Everyone was watching us now, including you-know-who. Red in the face and unable to look him in the eye, I stared down at the floor as awkward as could be. "T-that I'm supposed to be in gym?" I whispered; I couldn't speak in a louder tone. I already felt like I was going to throw up enough. "And why aren't you in gym, Miss Covey?" "Uh…. erm….. um….."_

" _She forgot her student card!" Mr. Hottie unexpectedly stood up out of his chair. He quickly came over to us, grabbed my hand and put a card in it. Though I knew it wasn't my card; my student ID was safely in my wallet. The card he gave me had a little sticky note attached to it. I didn't know what to do at first, looking to Mr. Hottie for direction. He basically told me to play along with his eyes, which I immediately complied. "That's right!" I turned to face Mr. Scary Man. "I realized I forgot my card in here while I was changing," oh boy, I was not used to lying so sincerely like this. "Thank you," I grinned at Mr. Hottie, putting the card in my pocket._

 _The teacher inspected both our expressions for a second before pointing to the door. "Alright, you have your card. Now go back to gym class!" "Yes sir!" I complied without delay, rushing out of the room so fast that I didn't have a change to see Mr. Hottie one last time. Once in the hall however, I took my time going back to the gymnasium. I pulled out the card, looking at the sticky note first. It just had a number on it; his cell phone number I guessed. Then I looked at the card. I was right- it was his. Awe, he looked so cute in his photo. Maybe I thought he was so charming because of what he just did for me. No one had ever done anything like that for me before…. and that was all after reading my poetry too. I read his name for the first time after staring at his picture for much too long. It read: Peter Kavinsky. Peter… A smile unconsciously bloomed across my lips. Peter Kavinsky._


	9. Love at First Fight

"Look Gen, we can't keep doing this. I love you, but this relationship isn't working." "Oh boy, drama alert," Chris's eyes rolled. I didn't say anything, too busy merely, effortlessly staring at Peter. After all this time….. Peter grew up; no, he didn't grow up- he glowed up. Taller, tanner, and swoller- if that was possible. He and Gen, who looked different now, were currently in the middle of a heated argument. It didn't last long when they saw us, or rather he saw me. Peter spotted me first, immediately freezing mid-step and mouth dropping open. Our eyes locked as mine softened and his widened in shock. "Holy shit!" He examined in utter disbelief. Gen blinked back at him over her shoulder before turning to face us, her own expression altering- and not into something positive.

"A-Aerity!? Is that you?" Chris frown grew while I silently nodded my head, only once. She glanced from me back to dumbfounded Peter as if to be putting the pieces together. "W-what are you doing here? Last I heard, you moved to Scotland," she stammered all over herself, desperately trying to regain her composure. She knew we had seen the fight. "She came back for the summer," Chris spat, not letting go of my arm. "The summer?" Gen blinked at me confused. "I see…."

Then she clearly forced a grin as she stepped over to us; I felt Chris's grip on me tighten. "Wow, Aerity; I mean like wow. How long has it been?" "Six years," I frowned unimpressed with her attempt at polite small talk; no thank you. "We haven't spoken since graduation." "Right!" She said as if to be remembering for herself. Yup, nope- I'm not buying it. We're too old for these games. "Wow, I mean look at you! You're beautiful!" Obviously, Gen didn't get the memo. "Thank you. You grew up too, I see," I meant in the physical sense strictly. "Thanks," her thin, nail polished hand gave a wave in the air. Having enough of her, my gaze returned back to Peter….. Peter. He still had this look of shock on his face when Gen turned over her shoulder to address him.

"Peter, look who it is. It's Aerity," oh boy, Gen didn't try to hide the venom in her tone. She was really bad at being one of the catty, back-stabbing yet still somehow charming women you see on soap operas. "Aerity," Peter whispered to himself as his limbs started to relax. "Aerity…." I'll admit, the look on Gen's face in the moment was priceless. But I didn't much time to savour that moment; slowly, as if he didn't believe his own eyes, Peter came over to us; not taking his eyes off mine. "You're here….. you actually came back," he said more to himself than to me, I think. My lips parted a sliver in response as I solely stared up at him. And for the first time since I could remember- certainly since high school- I could have sworn I heard the faintest melody at the back of my head. A little, sweet song playing from the dark recesses of my mind; unconsciously and without my general will. Peter…. My eyes grew slightly. He was more handsome, stunning than I remembered….. attractive.

What felt like an eternity was only five seconds in reality. Gen loudly cleared her throat causing us both to blink at the same time. Then we all looked back at the sourly grinning Gen; gees, you could make lemonade with how sour she felt just now. "Course she came back. Her dad and Kitty still live here, duh…. They do still live here, right?" She looked to me for confirmation. This brat…. "Yes." "So, are you here for the summer?" "The whole summer?" Peter added, making Gen shoot him a vicious glare. "Just getting my visa sorted out."

"Aerity goes to the University of Edinburgh," Chris proudly announced, flashing Gen a snarky grin which I didn't mind at all. "Oh, well aren't you the smart one?" Could you sound any pettier, Gen? I inwardly rolled my eyes. "I'm going to the University of California." "Mmmmm, California; why am I not surprised?" That was the rudest thing I've ever said; well, at least this year. But I'd enough of her; six years apart wasn't long enough. "Yes," she frowned before pulling Peter by the arm, drawing him into her. "And Peter here is going to Berkley." "Berkley?!" This was an accomplishment. To my surprise, Peter seemed a little bashful about this revelation. "It's not Edinburgh, but it's still pretty good." "Pretty good? You're at Berkley; that's a real achievement." "She's right," I agreed with Gen, flashing Peter a brilliant smile. "I'm really happy for you, Peter. Berkley is a great school." Again, the look on Gen's face; and I wasn't even trying to make her mad. My eyes locked onto Peter again…. Not at all.

A pregnant, uncomfortable pause came over the four of us, to which I lightly shook my head and blinked several times to regain my focus. "So, you two; how have you been?" "Fantastic," Gen answered for both of them, I guess. "It's been what? Seven years now, babe?" "I told you not to call me that anymore," Peter said directly to Gen, catching her off guard. "We were together for six years, but this year's been rocky for us," he then explained to me…. since I suppose he thought I needed an explanation. And Chris grinned- she grinned intentionally.

"And what about you, Aerity? Still single?" Gen remarked coldly, cruelly; folding her arms and standing at a slant for emphasis. This totally backfired on her however when Chris looked to Peter with the same smile. "Yes, she's single; and she's here all summer." "Chris!" Even this was a little too much for me, even though it did make me kind of secretly happy deep inside. "Y-you're single?" There was just a hint of stammer in Peter's voice. "Why should you care?" Gen fired him the nastiest glare. "You're in a relationship, remember? With me, you moron!"

Oh my god, my eyes immediately widened in shock and disgust. No- absolutely not. Peter does not deserve to be talked to like that; with such a blatant lack of respect. That was disgusting. I would never even consider calling anyone a "moron" to their face, especially my significant other. And I would never be with anyone who called me a moron, even in jest. I'm not a moron and deserve more respect; so does Peter. In that moment, all my anger for Gen resurged and I felt contempt for this woman. You do not call Peter "stupid"- not in front of me.

Suddenly feeling an intense bitterness swell up inside of me, I let go of Chris's arm and spun around to leave. Everyone flinched in surprise. "Wait, Aerity! Where are you going?" It was Peter who called out to me first; huh, I thought it would have been Chris. "It was nice to see you two again," not. "Come on, Chris," I didn't even look back to see their faces; I was too upset with Gen at the moment. "Yeah, real great seein' you too," Gen said with a tone; that tone. I could practically feel the daggers Peter was sending her before he raced over to my side. "Where do you think you're going? I've gotta be a work at five, Peter!" But he ignored her; he perfectly ignored her while trying to keep up with me.

"Uh, hi?" "Hi?" I didn't really know what he wanted me to say to this, so I said the first thing that came to mind. "You disappeared," he sounded almost accusing. "I didn't disappear; I moved for school." "And you couldn't have told me? It's been six damn years, Aerity. You didn't think I wanted to hear from you? Know where you are and how you're doing?" What was this? I peered over at him dumbfounded. Where was all this coming from? Yeah, he's right; it's been six years- six years where he could have contacted me. But he didn't; he didn't…..

That didn't stop Peter from scolding me though; not by a long shot. I guess they don't teach a lot of logic at Berkley. "Why didn't call or write to me? Why'd you just go away like that?" "Why are you so mad? You had six years to contact me, remember?" "I didn't know where you were!" He fired back at me. "You don't have FaceBook and your family refused to tell me anything." Oh yeah, back when I was still angry and sad over our "breakup", I ordered Daddy and Kitty not to tell Gen or Peter my new number or address in Edinburgh. Oops; ok, maybe this was partly my fault. I sighed and looked forward.

"I don't know what to tell you, Peter. It's great seeing you again; it really is. I….." The words paused in my mouth for a second before I could muster the strength to continue. "I won't lie… I missed you. But you were with Gen; I had to respect your relationship." "Oh, so respect means to disappear completely? That makes sense!" "I didn't mean to hurt you. I just… didn't know what else to do. We were kids, after all." "Yeah, but we're not kids now." "What do you mean?" I peeked over at him from the corner of my eye. "Why are you walking away now? Right after we just…." "Because!" I had to take in a deep, steadying breath. "Because…. you're with Gen, and I still have to respect that; no matter how I feel," my lips somehow managed to get out as I continued walking away.


	10. Peter's Soundtrack

I laid on top of my bed with my limbs and hair sprawled out. My phone was in one hand and Josh's bracelet in the other, which I was inspecting constantly. I'd been all messed up since that run-in with Peter earlier today. My eyes slowly drifted over to the photo of us hanging on my board across the room. Odd, he looked so different now and yet, I knew at first glance it was him. But then, I guess we all looked altered from our high school selves; Gen especially. But that didn't matter now, I suppose. I sighed heavily and turned my head back to face the ceiling. My hand brought the black beads up above me into view.

I finally remembered what the soft, tiny melody was playing in my head when Peter walked over to us- me. It was the opening theme of 2005's Pride and Prejudice, "Dawn". That's right… Back in high school I associated music with everything, like my very own life soundtrack. Peter's scores were all the songs from Pride and Prejudice. A weird choice looking back, considering how much I loved movies like Sixteen Candles and Aquamarine. But then, to my adult mind, it made perfect sense. All the songs in Pride and Prejudice were wordless, just like my feelings for Peter. I never actually confessed to him; I loved him so dearly and he could ironically have never known. Instead of describing in words how I felt, that kind of music- classical and soft- was more of an experience than a description or confession. Sitting at the park with Peter while listening to Pride and Prejudice's soundtrack, I watched him do his own thing for much too long. In those sweet, young moments, I didn't talk to Peter; I experienced him, his essence.

After all that, my eyes lowered a tad. All that love, all that passion I kindled for Peter….. it all amounted to nothing. He chose Gen; he repeatedly chose Gen, someone who called him a moron. I still shuttered at the thought. But it's true…. All my life, guys had never chosen me; not consensually anyway. No one wanted the "nice girl"; the kind of girl who didn't like to argue, wouldn't keep a man waiting while she got ready, was super respectful and didn't swear. Gen was much cooler than me; or at least I believed she was back in high school. Boys swarmed to her in droves; something that never happened to me, or at least not yet. But don't feel too bad for me- I didn't know at the time but my turn was coming. It's amazing how male tastes change in their twenties, as I would soon learn.

My fingers wrapped around Josh's bracelet. I was desperate for companionship just then, to have him near me. But I guess this would have to do. I lowered his beads onto my heart and took in a deep breath. I couldn't lie, I wanted Josh back; I wanted him close to me, as close as possible. Josh always made everything better; he always knew just the right thing to say. It sounds hokey but being with him was as easy as breathing. He made it easy and all without trying….. Josh, my eyes gently shut. Josh, please….. I need you now, my lips parted slightly. Someone's here that I can't easily ignore….. Peter's back- my Peter.

To get my mind off things, I decided to clean through my room the next morning. I don't know why- probably because I ran into you-know-who- but I remembered all those letters I wrote back in the day. Now I had no desire to re-read them; that was a cringe-fest waiting to happen. But I did remember the nice blue box with a bow I put them in, and I wanted it for something. I'd recycle the letters inside and bring the box back to Europe with me. Unfortunately, however, I was having zero luck finding it. I know I left it in my closet; I remember putting it on the top shelf before I left for my first year of university. Why wasn't it still there?

"Ugh!" I practically tore my poor closet inside out looking for that stupid box. "Kitty!" My voice echoed through the house. "What?!" She hollered up from downstairs. "Can you come up here please?!" "I'm making popcorn!" "Please! It's important!" I felt like I shouldn't have to beg. I could hear Kitty moan from all the way up here; she was at my doorframe in seconds. "Yeah?" "Have you seen this blue, round box with a bow on it? It had a bunch of letters inside." "What are you talking about?" She sounded genuinely confused and slightly irritated. "It was in my closet. I put it on the top shelf before I left for school."

"Why would I go in your closet?" Kitty's eyes rolled. I took that to mean that she hadn't seen or taken it, but verbal confirmation would still be nice. "So, you haven't seen it?" "No? Daddy came in here two years old to get some recycling, but I don't remember any box." "Recycling? You mean he recycled it?" Oh crap; and I really liked that box too. "I have no idea," Kitty shrugged. "Now can I get back to my popcorn?" "Yeah, sure thing. Thanks Kitty!" She hurried downstairs and I stood in front of my now messy closet; hands planted on my hips. Well, that's that; guess I'll never see that box or letters again. Oh well, it could have been worse, I thought as I started cleaning up.


	11. Scolding at the Movies

[Josh: The sea's pretty great. How are things back there?] My lips automatically curled into a smile at Josh's message. [Me: It's ok…. I had a run in with some old friends yesterday] [Josh: Oh yeah? Who?] I breathed in a bit hesitantly. Should I tell him? Of course I should! I would never keep secrets from Josh; not like this anyway. [Me: Gen and Peter] A moment passed before he replied; I knew what that meant. He was considering my message, and probably not in a good way.

[Josh: Really? Peter and Gen? They're still around?] [Me: I guess so; we didn't talk much. We met in the mall] [Josh: What were u doing in the mall? U don't like malls] [Me: Wanted 2 go 2 an American Lush ] And Josh sent one of those "of course" expressions back, making me laugh. [Josh: R they still 2gether?] [Me: I can't say; they were fighting when we saw them] Another pause. [Josh: They didn't ask 4 ur number, did they?] [Me: No, thank goodness; I have no desire 2 ever speak 2 Gen again] [Josh: And Peter?]

This made me pause for a second. Did I want to talk to Peter again? Would I have given him my number if he asked me? The obvious ethical answer should be "no", but….. I can't say for sure. I don't know what I would have done…. I just don't know. So instead I chose to be honest with Josh; he deserved that from me. [Me: No, he didn't ask] [Josh: Good- the last thing you need is someone like him wasting ur time] I….. didn't know how to feel about that text. I wouldn't say Peter ever wasted my time; Gen yes, but not Peter. His image flashed through my mind rapidly, causing my mouth to open a little. Not Peter….

"Where are you going?" Kitty asked me later as I went to put my lovely light pink converses on. "To the cemetery," I replied honestly. "Seriously? Can't you ever just be normal for a change?" "I am normal," my eyes gave a roll. "The desire to be "different" is a juvenile fantasy which disappears in your later years of university; trust me. I just like cemeteries; they're comforting." "Uh, no; they're not. You're surrounded by death there." "So? We'll all end up there one day; might as well be comfortable there," I flashed her a cocky side-grin. Kitty gave the most dramatic sigh.

"No, I'm not going to let my older sister go hang out with corpuses all night." "That's quite morbid," I straightened up. "We're going to the movies!" Ignoring my comment, Kitty's arm shot up in the air above her. "The movies?" "Yeah, you haven't been to one since you got back. It is time." "O-ok? Which movie?" My eyebrow suspiciously rose. Over the years, Kitty's and my tastes in movies have changed and not necessarily together. She pulled out her phone and scrolled through the listings.

"I know you like cartoons." That's true, I do. "We could go see this one: Wonderful Wonky Wandering Weasels." "Uh….." I'd never heard of that movie before, and I wasn't the biggest fan of weasels; cartoon or otherwise- too close to rats. "What else is on?" "Um, let's see. There's a new romcom: The Rose and the Wrangler. Or we could see the fourth Fifty Shades of Grey movie: Fifty Shades of Domestic Life. Or if you want horror, there's My Downstairs Tenant Stole My Axe." "… let's see the weasel movie."

Boy, for a Thursday night, the theater was surprisingly packed. Guess everyone really wanted to see Christian Grey in an apron. I even more surprised to see that our movie was almost sold out. Really? A cartoon starring weasels? Ok! Shows how much I know about movie culture. Kitty used a gift card she won at her school to get the tickets. I gave her my card and told her to buy me a medium popcorn with butter. It was super busy at the concession stand and I wanted to make sure we got straws and napkins. And by the way- not that it matters but popcorn in Europe sucks! Where I live, you can either order sweet or salty popcorn- no butter option or seasonings, period. I hate European popcorn; sure, it's healthier but you're eating popcorn. You're not choosing "health" when you buy movie theater popcorn. Ok, rant over!

So Kitty ran off with my card- and ticket which I only realized after she left- and I went to the little island booth that had all the napkins and stuff. Now, in my ignorance I wasn't really expecting to run into anyone I knew. Sure, it was the same theater all my friends and practically everyone from my junior and senior high school went, but it never crossed my mind that I'd actually see anyone. Maybe that's because I never recognized anyone at Edinburgh's theater; Edinburgh's a tourist city, not that many people actually live there.

This explains why I was so startled and alarmed to hear a familiar voice behind me. I was in the middle of grabbing napkins when…. "Aerity?" Oh god! My eyes shut for an instant; just an instant. Please god, don't let this happen to me. "Hey Aerity," very hesitantly, I opened my eyes and spun around to see none other than Peter standing before me. "H-hi Peter," I managed to choke out, unable to look him in the eye. While I stood there awkwardly, he looked a little too pleased about the situation.

"Long time, no see," Peter joked, poorly. I responded with a simple smile, still not meeting his gaze. "You here alone or…" He rubbed the back of his head as if unsure how to proceed. "N-no, I'm here with Kitty." "Oh, good." Good? What the heck was that supposed to mean? Now I had the courage to look up, only to see his relieved expression. Wait? He's relieved? Why would that relieve him? "What are you gonna see? Maybe we're going to the same movie," I detected a sprinkling of hope in his voice, surprising me a little. "Uh, Wonderful Wonky Wandering Weasels." "The weasel movie?" He blinked astonished. "Oh right!" His hand suddenly slapped his forehead before I had the chance to say anything. "You love cartoons." He…. remembered that? I stared at him astonished myself. After all these years, he remembered something so insignificant?

"Ah, w-what are you seeing?" I didn't really know what to say in that moment. "The racing one." "Tork 2: More Tork?" My eyebrow rose up. "Yeah, I let Owen choose the movie. I wanted to go see the Downstairs Axe guy film." And I laughed…. I actually laughed, and Peter smiled. "So….." "So," we both seemed a little awkward right then. "Um, could we…. can we talk sometime?" Peter asked me in a kind tone. I didn't answer right away, unsure how I should. He and Gen were still… "I-I mean, it's been a long time- too long- and I'd like to catch up; hear about what you've been up to."

"I don't know," why did I say that? I don't know where my mouth got permission to say that; certainly not from my brain. Peter immediately frowned. "What do you not know? Why are you reluctant to talk to me? Do you hate me that much?" "No!" My eyes shot over to his. "Erm, it's… difficult… I'll just be honest, it took me a long time to get over you. I'm not sure if I want to reopen old wounds….." Not without Josh here; not without his support….. But Peter's face lit up in confusion and revelation at the same time. "What do you mean "get over me"?" W-what? My eyes began to grow in horror. What did I just accidently say to him…..?

"Aerity…" "N-no! That's not what I meant!" Like a child, I went into auto-repair mode. God, I wasn't usually this flustered; not like this. What was happening to me?! "Tell me what's going on. Is that why you ignored me for six years?" "I wasn't ignoring you," I was trying to get over you. Oh…. ok, I see what I did just there. Oops. "Then what were you doing?" "I was living aboard and focusing on school, ok? And you were with Gen; I….." "No, don't say you had to respect "our relationship". You didn't respect me; you cut me out of your life, and all without an explanation." "I didn't think you needed one!" I fired back. This was quickly getting out of hand; my hand. "News flash! I'm not a mind-reader! I couldn't read your mind back then and I can't read your mind now. So I think I deserve some answers because I have no clue…"

Peter paused for a minute, as if to be rethinking what he said next. "Well, ok; I kinda do. I know you and Gen had some issues, but I didn't think I'd lose you over them." Lose me? "You think Gen was going to share you?" Did he just say that he lost me? "That was my choice; I choose who I'm friends with, Aerity," Peter's voice rose a tad. "And let me tell you something: there's nothing in the world that would have made me stop being your friend- nothing." Peter….. My eyes widened as my jaw dropped. He….. He just….. I didn't move in that second; I couldn't. I was too stunned, and I think it was in a good way. But I don't know; I wasn't used to this feeling- not yet.

"It was you who decided to stop being friends with me; not the other way around. So forgive me for being a little upset with you. And I still waiting, Aerity; I want some answers now." "What answers?" We both flinched as Kitty seemingly snuck up behind us like a ninja. She had two bags of popcorn, two drinks, and a bag of candy in her poor arms; I instantly took a drink and bag from her. "Who's this?" Kitty eyed Peter up and down, a little impressed from what I could tell. "Uh, do you remember my high school friend: Peter Kavinsky?" "Oh yeah!" She exclaimed in less than a second. "The hot one." "Kitty!" I growled down at her.

"Hey, kid," Peter gave her a nod. "Boy," her grin widened much too much. "You grew up. I didn't know your arms could get any tighter." "Kitty!" Oh my god! She just didn't have a flitter. And it didn't help that Peter looked flattered. "What? I'm just sayin'. So, you two make up yet?" "No! I mean, the movie's starting," I practically had to drag her away. Peter's grin began to fade but he still waved at us. "Enjoy the movie, ladies." "Will do; you too!" Kitty called back, embarrassing me further. When we were past the ticket booth and I let go of her arm, she sent me a slyly, cheeky grin. "You should have told him you're single." "He knows," I moaned. He already knows…. He knows too much thanks to my flabbergasted idiotic mouth.


	12. The Safest Feeling

_I woke up in the middle of the night again; this was the third time this week. A nightmare made me wake up, again. My sheets under me were soaked with sweat and I was worried I wet the bed. On nights such as this, dark seemed darker and every sound, every creek was intensified. My body was a jumble of nerves, all shaking under my skin. And it felt like something- a whole bunch of somethings- were crawling around the bed. Not within twenty seconds of me waking up and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I knew this feeling all too well; I learned the signs in less than a month._

 _Rapidly running out of time, I reached over for my phone, unlocked it with my thumb, and pressed Josh's number. My door was locked and I couldn't move currently, but the university let Josh have a key to my room after the police notified my college. It rang twice before he answered it. "Josh!" I gasped in a panic, quickly losing control of myself. "Josh!" "Hold on, I'm coming!" Josh knew instantly what that meant; this had happened several times this month. If you've ever experienced a real panic attack, you know how little control you have over your body; at least for the first minute or two._

 _Within seconds, I heard my door unlock and Josh came bursting into my room. After turning on the lights, he raced over to my bed side, taking my hand in his. "Breathe, Aerity; breathe. It's ok, it's alright; no one's here. You're not in danger," he cooed in the calmest, most comforting tone possible. The assault therapist told Josh and Margot how to treat episodes like this; he knew exactly what he was doing. When my muscles didn't untense themselves, he carefully leaned me up and gently rubbed circles on my back. All the while, he held me close to him; very close._

" _It's ok; it's ok, Aerity. I'm here," he kept repeating over and over while massaging my back. "He can't hurt you; I'm here now." "J-Josh," I said when my breathing finally steadied. "Are you breathing normally again?" He asked me and I nodded. Then he laid me back down into bed and sat on my floor, still watching me intently; sincerely. "Feeling better?" I nodded again, not saying anything. "Ok, good. It's 3am; you should get some sleep." That's when tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared at him anxiously. "I-I can't….. I'm scared," my lips quivered. "I'm so scared….." More tears; a constant stream of tears._

 _Josh looked at me for a moment before reaching over to take hold of my hand. "Then I'll stay, until you fall asleep." "R-really?" My eyes grew a bit. His hand gave mine a little squeeze. "Yeah, if it'll make you feel safe." "T-thank you, Josh," still crying, I painfully shut my eyes; pain, that's all I felt right then. Like knives cutting into my body repeatedly. Josh grinned sadly and leaned in closer to rest comfortably up the side of the bed. My hand clung to his for what felt like dear life. "Please…. please don't leave, Josh." I didn't need to say this, but I was so frightened that I couldn't help myself. Josh looked over at my face, though I didn't see, and gently moved some stray hairs off my cheek. "Never; I'll never leave you, as long as you need me." "Good," I sighed through the tears. "I don't feel safe unless I know you're nearby."_

"You never talk about it, Aerity," Chris and I were doing laps at the city's outside track. In the middle of the track was a sports field for football and the like. We were running like we used to do in high school, and we were still as bad as it; maybe even worse in our adult bodies. I told Chris what happened that summer when we were twenty-two; it had been two years since then and it was still something that came up now and again. My head shook as I tried to steady my breathing; running helped.

"I went to therapy for two years if that helps." "Well, at least you don't have panic attacks like you used to. You don't, right?" "No," my head shook a second time. "The last one was almost a year ago; Margot was there, she helped. It only lasted twenty minutes or so." "Ok, good! Progress!" Chris gave me a thumbs up. "See? You're a survivor. I don't get why you never tell anyone. Even Kitty doesn't know; just me, your dad, Margot, and Josh. It's nothing to be ashamed about; you didn't do anything wrong." "It's not like that," I looked down; I hated talking about this. "People treat you different if they know. Not everyone is kind to survivors, especially those who say we only go to the police for attention." And I felt that same painful surgance rise up inside of me. "No….. I'd rather people just think I'm normal. It's easier that way….." So much easier. If you've seen Thirteen Reasons Why, you know what I mean.

Chris nodded understandingly. "Is that why you're having such a hard time being apart from Josh?" This question didn't catch me off guard as much as I thought it would. "I haven't thought about it, to be honest; but it's definitely a possibility." "It's the first time you've been apart since….. well, he's just always been there, just in case." "Yeah," my eyes lowered. Always and unconditionally…. "I don't feel safe unless I know he's nearby." "Who? Josh?" Chris asked like we hadn't just been talking about him. But this made me think- did I mean Josh? Obviously I did but…. only Josh? I never realized it before but was it true? Was Josh the only one who made me feel safe? He certainly did but just him?

As if to be reading my mind, Chris moved her vision off me forward. "Is that why it's so awkward around Peter? Because he doesn't know?" Again, this didn't alarm me as much as it should have. "I think that has something to do with it. Josh knows me; he knows the truth, what I've been through and… he still accepts me whole-heartedly. He supports me like no other….." I sucked in a much-needed breath. "I don't know if Peter, or any other guy for that matter would do the same. I know how Peter would react if I told him, if he'd see me differently…. I'm not the same innocent girl he knew in high school; that Aerity is long gone."

Chris didn't say anything for a minute, letting a pregnant pause fall over us. Then she also drew in a deep breath. "Don't talk about yourself like you're damaged goods." "That's how it feels sometimes," I retorted honestly. "Peter wouldn't blame you; no one does. He'd probably support you, be there for you." "I don't know…. besides, there's still the thing with him and Gen. I really don't want to get involved in all that." Chris thought this over for a second before grinning over at me. "You're into logic, right?" "If you mean I've studied logic, yes; I have." "Then think of it like this. You're moving back to Europe; you want to live there permanently one day, right?" "That's the plan?" "Well then, it doesn't really matter how Peter responds." "It doesn't work like that," I frowned. "Sure, it does. If you tell him and he responds negatively, then you'll just go back to Europe and never see him again. You really have nothing to lose here." "I get what you're saying," I really did. "But I just don't want to tell him. I need to trust him before I tell him; like anyone else. I haven't even told Kitty for pete sake."

"You did that to protect her," Chris countered quickly. "You don't need to shield Peter from this." I let out the biggest sigh as we came to a halt on the track. "Fine, how about this? The day I suspect that I might be in love with Peter, I'll tell him, ok?" "Won't it be too late by then?" "Nope," I grinned after a drink from my water bottle. "It'll just tell me if I should kill off my feelings or let them grow organically. Either way, I doubt that'll ever happen. Peter and I will never be a thing."

"Hey, Aerity!" Oh fock! I winced my eyes shut while Chris checked over her shoulder to see who was coming. I didn't have to check; I already knew. Ugh! Why does this keep happening to me?! What was this? Some best-selling YA novel? Oh, the smirk Chris flashed me as she turned her head back around. "Doubt that'll ever happen, huh?" "No….. why me? Why me?" I groaned loudly. "Give him a chance, Aerity. You guys were close in high school." "That was before….! Before everything happened….." I stared at Chris, begging her to side with me on the issue. But she simply responded with one of her classic knowing smiles; the smile of a real friend who loved me. "I know you love Josh, and I can see why. But he's not the only man in the world that can make you feel safe."


	13. Two Dozen Roses

"Hey!" "Hi Peter!" Chris waved as he ran over to us, obviously earning a sharp glare from me. "What brings you out here on this fine May day?" Oh god, Chris; why? "Uh, can I talk to you?" Peter addressed me, answering her question in the process. Of course….. You know, this sort of thing was a lot more romantic in books and movies. Chris kept glancing between us with that same knowing smile. Ugh! I loved her but girl…..

"Oooooooh, did you hear that, Aerity? He wants to talk to you; alone, I bet." My eyes rolled, followed by a short sigh. "Sure," I said without looking at Peter. "Wonderful!" Chris's hands clapped together. "I'll leave you two to it. If you need me, I'll be in the changeroom, google Justin Trudeau shirtless." This earned another eye roll from me as she took off, but not before shooting me a wink. Yeah, cause that wasn't obvious enough. After giving my face an exasperated rub, I reluctantly turned to face Peter for the first time. He wasn't smiling; he looked more awkward than anything. Huh, what happened to the confident Peter from the movies last night?

"Uh, um….." His thick hand rubbed the back of his head tensely. "Look, about our conversation last night…." He called that a conversation? "What you said….. I…. I get it now; what you meant about getting over me." What the hell is he talking about? I blinked confused but didn't say anything. "I'll admit, I was utterly clueless; I had no idea you felt that way." What way? What does he mean? Some context would be nice! "Don't get me wrong," his gaze drifted downwards in a slightly shy fashion. "I'm not mad or anything; well, not anymore. Now that I know, things just clicked. I wish we could have had this talk sooner…." What "talk"? What was happening? "I appreciate it, Aerity; I really do, but to be honest with you, it's never gonna happen."

Now felt like the perfect time for me to speak, mostly because Peter paused and patiently waited for my reaction. By the way he was talking, it almost sounded like he was rejecting me or something. But that didn't make sense; for me to reject him, I'd have to confess… Wait, my lips parted a tad. "What are you talking about?" I finally got out, sounding more than a little confused. "Ok, real talk; you're super hot, like you glowed up beautifully. And yeah, I guess we did have a bond back in high school." What? Did he just say "I glowed up beautifully"? "And I think it's really cool that you think I have golden specks in my eyes…"

Peter continued but I wasn't listening anymore. I had the upmost misfortune to peer down at his right hand, only to see one of the missing letters in it. Holy… My eyes started to widen as my jaw literally dropped open. I felt like someone who gets sick off dairy feels after drinking a whole carton of milk. My stomach was seconds from dropping right out of me and onto the track. My whole body was both burning and freezing at once. And I felt super lightheaded to the point of being dizzy. H-holy shot! That's the letter I wrote in high school to Peter! That's Peter's letter!

While I dumbfoundedly gawked down at his hand, Peter just kept going on and on; he obviously didn't notice my stunned expression. "It's just Gen and I, we're in a really weird place now and…" Blah blah blah. That's literally all I heard after that sentence. My head was too fuzzy, my limbs were going numb. I'd never fainted or swooned before, but this did it; this was enough. Before he could ask me anything, I found myself falling backwards straight onto my back. "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!" That was the last thing I heard before black; blissful darkness. At least for ten seconds.

"Hey! Hello? Hey, wake up!" Opening my eyes after my ten second nap, I found Peter bent over me with concerned eyes. "You ok?" Am I ok? I blinked repeatedly. Am I ok? What kind of question was that?! I just fainted right in front of you! Thinking about it only made me madder. "No, I'm not ok!" I yelled, sitting up a little too quickly. The dizziness lasted for five seconds before anger took complete hold over my brain. "Where did you get that?!" My hand reached over to yank the letter from his grasp. Peter flinched and looked at me with surprise. "Uh, in the mail?" He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "No; no, this can't be happening!" "Hey, hey," his hand came to rest gently on my shoulder. "It's ok; it's not a big deal. Like I said, I'm not mad anymore." "Oh, oh ok," I rested my shut eyes on my hand. Peter's not mad at me, great! Problem solved; that's the end of my worries! One down, how many more guys to go? Wait…. my hand lowered a little. More guys…? Oh my god, my jaw dropped for a second time. There were more letters! One to Peter and… "Josh….." I whispered to myself in horror. "Huh?" Peter tilted his head puzzled, not that I was paying attention to him anymore. My thoughts were all centered on another letter recipient; one who was currently trying to get over my older sister.

Without warning, I leapt to my feet. I had already started running by the time Peter stood up, looking utterly baffled by my action. "Hey, wait! Where are you going?! We gotta talk about this!" But I didn't stop; my body wouldn't let me. I had to get to the bottom of this and before any damage was caused; well, anymore damage. I didn't stop until I slammed the front door open; running helped fester my loathing. There had to be a rational explanation. "Kitty!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, which I could do cause Daddy wasn't home. I needed answers and I needed them now. "Kitty, get out here!"

I heard a fumble, then a bang, then the soft pattering of feet. "Jesus!" Kitty shouted down to me from the top of the staircase. "What is wrong with you, Aerity?! You almost gave me a heart attack!" "You said you didn't see the box!" My forefinger pointed accusingly her way. "You said you Daddy took it to recycling!" "What are you talking about?!" Kitty's own tone was mad now. "The box! The box with all the letters in it!" "What letters?" She asked, descending the stairs. "The ones I wrote to all the boys I've had crushes on; they're gone! And Peter has his miraculously!" "You wrote letters to all the boys you've loved before?" To my shock, a surprised and mischievously delighted smile bloomed across her lips. "And they got them? Like now?" "Yes! Someone found them and mailed them off."

"Well don't look at me," her hands flew up into the air. "I didn't know you did something so corny." "This isn't a joke, Kitty! Those letters were personal and never meant to be read. This is a huge violation of my trust and privacy!" I marched after her down the hall. "Then I suggest you save your energy, find whoever did this, and yell at them, cause I didn't do it." "Are you sure?" I eyed her suspiciously. Kitty peered back at me and rolled her eyes dramatically. "Please, if I was going to send letters to your old flames, I'd at least read them first myself." She said, opening the fridge and pulling out the milk carton. "You're telling me the truth, right Kitty?" I had a feeling now that she was, but I needed to be sure. "Come on, Aerity. You know I wouldn't do that to you," she spoke with such sincerity that I believed her; she confirmed it for me.

Sighing, I threw myself onto the couch and buried my head into a pillow to groan. "So," Kitty sat down on the other side of the couch. "Who'd you write to?" "Peter," I said without moving my head. "Peter?!" Kitty almost choked on her milk. "You mean that really hot guy from last night? You wrote him a letter?" "Yeah, back in high school." "And he got it?" "He confronted me about it today," I moaned again. "Confronted?" Her eyebrow raised. "More like rejected my sixteen-year-old self." "Too bad; he's cute. Who else?" "Josh…" "Really, Josh?! When?" "Like twelve years ago? Back when we were in middle school." "Does Margot know?" "No, I never told anyone." "Huh," Kitty sat back in her seat and gazed up at the ceiling; I could tell she was thinking to herself.

"Well, maybe this is a good thing." "How so?" I shot her an unimpressed glare. "You love Josh; he might as well know. You'll have to tell him sooner or later anyway." "Um, news flash, Kitty. Josh just broke up with Margot; he left to get over her. This will only complicate things; I want him to take his time getting over Margot properly." "Why? You can have him?" "No!" My glare intensified. "Because I want him to heal in a healthy, mature way. This is not mature! Besides, it was a letter I wrote a long time ago; it has no meaning now." "Really?" Kitty asked like she already knew the answer.

Before I could say anything else, there was a knock at the front door. Oh no! I inwardly cringed. Not another one; not now! Please, please don't be Peter. I looked to Kitty with a pleading stare but with a sly grin, she motioned dramatically for the door. With the upmost reluctance, I dragged myself to my feet and went to answer it, praying the whole way. The door opened to reveal- much to my surprise and astonishment- not someone I knew but an older, big man in a uniform. He had a clipboard which he looked up from to me. "Miss Aerity Covey?" He asked. "Uh, yes?" "Here," I suddenly found this huge bouquet of roses placed in my arms. It was so big that I needed both arms to hold them all. "This is for you." "Uh…. um!" But he was gone before I could even formulate a question in my head.

Kitty was also up by now and watched with wide eyes as I clumsily carried the bouquet inside. "Whoa!" She gasped in amazement. "Who are those from?!" "I have no idea," I set it down on the table. That was my first good look at the floral arrangement. Roses….. red roses; two dozen of them. They were all tied together with this fancy pink and gold ribbon. This little card was attached. Carefully untying the card, I brought it up to read it out loud; Kitty was just as startled and confused as I was. It read in blue ink: _Dearest Aerity. Thank you for your letter; I will treasure it always. Will tell you more in person when I will see you soon. Your humble and faithful servant, J._ My eyes grew as I felt like I was going to cry. Josh…..

"Your humble and faithful servant?!" Kitty burst out laughing, grabbing the card from my still stunned hand. "When did Josh get all Victorian?" "Hey! He knows I like classic English literature," I retorted defensively. Then I looked back at the roses; so many roses. My lips parted a little as I stood there motionless for a second. No one's ever done anything like this for me before. No one….. I should have been overcome with joy; I should have been swooning. And I won't lie; a part of me was unspeakably happy. But this also came along with confusion, surprise, and embarrassment- a lot of the latter.

Meanwhile, Kitty inspected the card curiously. "What's this symbol?" She pointed to a crest at the top righthand corner. I peered over her shoulder at it. "Huh, that's the Oxford logo. They must have not had any University of Edinburgh cards." My eyes slowly reverted back to the bouquet. Now what? I had no clue what to do….. "Two dozen red roses," Kitty also looked over. Neither of us said anything more for a minute, where I just stared at them and Kitty blinked to me. "I think you should marry Josh."

This came so out of nowhere that I almost fell down. Instead, I gave Kitty the most incredulousness gobsmacked stare. But her vivid expression didn't falter. "Think about it. He's the first guy to ever send you flowers like this." "I…. wha-… just no, Kitty!" My voice raised on its own again. "What? Let's go through the list: you're already in love with him; he obviously has some regard for you; he's rich; he's handsome; you live in the same building…. He's like your own Mr. Darcy!" "Yeah, except this Mr. Darcy is still in love with our sister- remember?! And last I checked, it's not a requirement but one should love their partner before marriage." "But you do love Josh, don't you?" She blinked slightly puzzled. "Yes, I do love Josh! As a best friend!" I threw up my arms into the air. "I don't know how I feel romantically about him….. yet. This is a very confusing time for me." "Well then call Josh and make it un-confusing. He just sent you a butt-load of roses, sis. Call me crazy, but that must mean something, right?"

Seeing Kitty's point rather clearly for once, I pulled out my phone and found Josh's number. It took me a moment to press the call button, and it felt even longer for it to ring. I won't lie, a light wave of relief washed over me when he didn't pick up. But seeing the look on Kitty's face, I tried again with no success. I put my phone away and turned to face her. "No answer." "Maybe he's busy," she shrugged. I was about to say I'd try again later but to my surprise, Kitty proceeded to shake her head. "Actually, on second thought, this is clearly something you two need to talk out in person. Maybe don't call him again; wait for him to call you." "You're right," my eyes peered back at the roses. We needed to talk about some things and I needed to do some serious thinking….. a lot of thinking.

Kitty watched me as I came up to the bouquet, examining it quietly- a little peacefully. They were gorgeous…. super beautiful. "I don't know how I feel…." My lips spoke on their own accord. "You can take your time," Kitty said in her intimate wisdom. "You two don't need to talk about it today." No reply from me. She waited a second before cracking a side grin. "Heh, he never bought flowers for Margot." "And we're not going to tell her," I directed firmly. "It would hurt her; she's in enough pain…" But Kitty was right; I'd never seen Josh even consider buying anything romantic like this. Then again, Margot wasn't really the "romantic" type. But maybe, I was…

I could feel Kitty's eyes on me as I reached down to pluck one of the roses up. I lifted it to my nose so I could smell it gently. And she smiled- she genuinely smiled, happy for me. I knew she was by the way her eyes glimmered. My lips mirrored her expression as a fresh, brilliant smile blossomed across my face. Josh…. Gently holding the rose in my hand, my eyes softened in the calmest way. His face flashed repeatedly through my mind. I don't know if I loved you like that, not yet…. but I wouldn't mind if I did, someday.


	14. And Then There Was Lucas

I was at the park on the swing all by myself. I needed some time to think; oh boy, did I need to think. So let's recap: Peter says it'll never happen and Josh sends you a crazy ton of roses all in the same day. I guess that's it then; Peter shot me down….. not that I actually confessed but still. I can't say I'm uber shocked; he and Gen had history- I still wasn't quite sure on their relationship status. My feet made me stop swaying as I stared off into nowhere; the sensation of Josh's beaded bracelet stuck out in my pocket.

I guess I should just let myself follow the course and fall head-over-heels in love with Josh. It was bound to happen anyway, right? He was single now and I adored every inch of him; he made me so happy… I loved Josh, I really did…. My lips instinctively parted as Peter's face unconsciously and unwelcomingly popped into my mind. It was only for a second, but it was still long enough; the imprint was there.

Ugh! I immediately gave myself a hard mental kick. It shouldn't be like this! I'm too old; we're too old. Josh is the most logical choice. Kitty's right- we go to the same school; hell, we even live side-by-side in our college. And I couldn't imagine my life without him; that wasn't an option. But… did that mean that we had to automatically be in a relationship? Another swift kick. What's wrong with me?! "You love Josh!" I kept shaking my head, wincing my eyes shut. "Just be patient, Aerity," I instructed myself. "Kitty and Chris are right. You don't know- or feel- it yet but this is real, romantic love. You just need time to see that; that's all." Yeah, that's right. There'll be a day, probably very soon, when I look at Josh and I get those lover's butterflies. My eyes opened just a tad. Just like when you saw… _"Aerity….. Aerity."_ A cool shiver ran up my spine. Peter….. my Peter.

"After all these years, you still come to play at the park." This voice…. It was the strangest feeling. I instantly knew that voice, but I couldn't pin a face to it. It wasn't Josh's or Peter's; I knew but I couldn't picture who. With my eyes still mostly closed, they fluttered open to see someone I didn't recognize right away; the voice I got but not the face or body. It was a black man, roughly my age or a year older. Leaning up against the swing post with his hands buried in his pockets, he grinned over at me; a soft, knowing grin. "Uh, hi?" I didn't want to be rude, accidently hurting his feelings by letting him know I didn't recognize him. His grin grew.

"How many years has it been? Fourteen? We lost contact when we went to different junior highs." "Um, I'm sorry," well, there's no point in hiding it any longer, I guess. I'm sorry, whoever you are. "I really don't mean to sound horrible, but I don't remember your name." To my surprise and relief, he simply laughed. "I didn't expect you to; I remembered yours though. We were best friends in elementary school." "We were?" I had to think; still nothing. How could I forget my childhood best friend? What kind of monster was I?

The mystery man nodded and pulled out something from his back pocket. "Your writing was so messy, I could barely read your letter." "What letter?!" This definitely caught my undivided attention. He got one too?! But I didn't even remember liking him! How many letters did I write?! I only remember Josh's and Peter's; who else got one?! Seeing the confusion on my face, mystery man handed me the letter, which I instantly inspected. The envelop said Lucas Krapf; who? "Lucas?" I blinked up at him utterly perplexed. "Remember me? We used to play "the ground is lava" every recess." Every recess?

My eyes suddenly grew in remembrance and my fingers snapped. "Lucas!" That's right! My first male friend! "I remember you! You used to sneak me an extra bag of mini oreos every day." "Yup, that's me," his grin widened friendly. "I have to admit, I was more than a little surprised to get your letter; especially since you wrote it in grade six." "Yeah," I cringed. "To tell you the truth, I have no idea how these got out or why. I bet someone has it out for me." "So you didn't send them?" "Of course not!" I laughed for the first time in a while. "This is a cringe-fest waiting to happen," I then held up the letter with my kid squiggles all over it. "I don't know; I think it's kind of charming. I don't know why you didn't give it to me when we were younger." "I didn't give anyone any letters," my eyes lowered down to it softly; it didn't so bad right then. "I did it more for myself than anything, I guess."

Lucas waited for a minute before shoving his hands back into his pockets and continuing. "Yeah well, maybe it's a good thing you didn't." "How's that?" I peered back up to him. "Cause it's around then that I….. started to figure some things out…. about myself." Oh! Oh. And a smile crept along my face as I felt sudden joy for him. Ok, so this was one good thing that happened to me; to us. "I'm glad I got to see you again, Lucas," my face softened. "You were one good thing that came from all this chaos." "You were a good thing that happened to me; I mean, back when we were little," his eyes lowered a bit. "Trust me, if I was going to have a crush on a girl as a kid, it would have been you. And I missed you when we moved schools…. But I had a really good junior and senior high." "Really?" This was pleasantly surprising to hear. "No bullying?" "No," his head shook. "My boyfriends wouldn't let anyone pick on me," he added with a side grin and I chuckled.

"You look good, Lucas; grew up real well," I then rescanned him over. He was fine; I'd say that. "Thanks. You're beautiful too; I almost didn't recognize you." "Thank you." A quiet moment fell over us, but it wasn't uncomfortable; more of a natural pause in the conversation. I then sighed and grinned up at him, to which he followed suit. "Hello, Lucas." "Hi, Aerity." This was followed by a pleasant laugh. "What are you doing this afternoon?" "Oh, mulling over boy- or man trouble. Is it "man trouble" now that we're older?" "I think so. Dude drama, huh? I can relate. It's always a lot more fun than I think it's gonna be." "I cannot relate to that," I laughed for what felt like the millionth time.

Lucas smiled and offered me his broad black hand. "Come on, let's get out of here. I just met my childhood bestie and want to catch up. Will you give me the pleasure of an afternoon, my lady?" And I grinned, taking his hand; he pulled me off the swing up to him. "For you, Lucas- always." Our arms proceeded to wrap around each other in a much-needed embrace.


	15. Wait, Why is Peter Jealous?

Lucas. How does one describe someone as awesome as Lucas? Wonderful, smart, charming, funny? All the above and more. Spending the afternoon together was just what the doctor ordered. He made me feel calm and happy; just like Josh did back in Edinburgh. And the best part was that he totally understood my man troubles, even admitting that he'd been in similar situations before. Guess my predicament wasn't so unusual- minus the letter bit. Lucas consoled me, reassuring me that everything would work out in the end. Somehow, I had no clue as to how but somehow everything would be ok. Somehow.

Our time together was too short. But Lucas had a date that evening and I respected his prior commitments. We parted in front of this old milkshake diner that me and my friends used to hang out all the time at in high school. Lucas hugged me and warmly kissed my cheek. Then he gave me his phone number and commanded me not to be a stranger; I was more than happy to comply with that beautiful demand. Once he was gone, I still didn't feel like going home for a night alone; Daddy and Kitty went out for the evening. So I went inside the diner- something I hadn't done in years- and plopped myself down at the counter. Then I stuck in my headphones, put on Lucienne Delyle- I love thirties French music- and pulled out Josh's beads. They twisted and twirled in my fingers while I let my mind go; simply wander to wherever it wanted to. Lucienne helped matters….

This bliss however, also couldn't last. I was in the middle of "Sous les Ponts de Paris" when something touched my shoulder. I flinched so hard that my earbuds were yanked out of my ears- ouch. Blinking to my side, I was not surprised at all to find none other than Peter standing there. Of course! I winced my eyes shut. Cause the universe just wants us to meet for some unforeseeable reason; thanks fate! Not like life was complicated enough by free will alone! Peter's face went from surprised at my reaction to slightly amused.

"Lucienne Delyle? What are you, like a hundred?" Ugh. "Hi Peter," I shut off the music and rested my face in my palm exasperated. "Hey, Covey." Before either of us could get another word in, the waitress delivered my oreo milkshake. "There you go." "Thanks," I uttered, not looking her or Peter in the eye. She glanced over to him curiously and a little puzzled. "Anything for your gentleman friend here?"

Gentleman friend…. Let me tell you something about being in your twenties: the twenties are a weird time for relationships. You're passed that puppy love, dramatic high school phase where partners come and go like seasons. No, relationships are usually more serious in your twenties; but that leads to this weird pre-marriage, post-awkward high school romance phase. You're too young to get married- in most cases, there are excepts obviously- but you're too old for shallow, short-term relationships, especially in your late twenties. In short, if someone calls a man you're "gentleman friend", that's adult code for "potential boyfriend and even better, future partner". Man! And I thought relationship lingo was complicated as a teenager!

My head quickly shook, banishing the idea from my mind. "He's not with me," I managed to spit out. "I'll get a chocolate shake, thank you" Peter said, completely ignoring my response. "Sure, alright," the waitress took off. Neither of us said anything for the most awkward five seconds of my life; that was until Peter smirked over to me. "Miss milkshakes over in Euro-land?" His cheek rested comfortably in his hand as he continued to watch me. Euro-land; yeah, have some class, my eyes inwardly rolled. But it did help break the tension between us. I stuck the straw in my shake and pulled it up to me.

"What are you doing here, Peter?" "What? A guy can't just come to take down one of those chocolate shakes?" I replied with a look- one of those looks. This… felt good for some reason; the first comfortable jester I'd done around him; the classic "look". Peter seemed to pick up on this too as his smirk morphed into a grin. "Actually, I stopped at your house and your dad said that you were here." Why, brain?! Why did I have to text Daddy and tell him where I was going? Well actually, I know why; I didn't want him to get home later to find the house empty. But still!

"Look, I just want to be super clear," I was a little alarmed by the tone of Peter's voice; it wasn't mad or anything. He really seemed to be a tad pained to say this…. for some reason. Why should this hurt him in any way? If he didn't feel the same…. I mean like I used to feel, that's not either of our problem. The sensation of Josh's bracelet in my hand suddenly returned to my mind. I have to accept it….. I have to…..

"I'm flattered, I am. But…. Gen and I just like broke up so…" "It's ok, Peter," I stopped him, spinning my head to look him in the eye. I had to be ok with this…. I had to let him know, even if it still maybe, kinda hurt me right now… "Huh?" He blinked confused by this declaration. "What's ok?" "This- us. You were never supposed to get that letter; I didn't send it and I don't know who did. But it doesn't matter," I forced a side grin. "I know you said you didn't want to hear me say "I respect your and Gen's relationship", but it's true. I've grown up; I'd never want to do anything to hurt your relationship with anyone. Even if you're broken up, I still won't….." My lip paused for a moment as I had to remind myself to breathe. "I still won't interject myself; that's not what I wanted to do at all. If I do have feelings for you now, then what I can do for you is to respect what you'd said and move on." Move on….. "I understand what you've said, Peter… and I want you to know that I respect your feelings. I really do."

Peter….. simply stared at me like I had just told him that aliens had landed in his bedroom. I don't think he was expecting that….. I wondered if a woman had ever talked to him like that before. But Lucas was right; everything would be alright. All I had to do was to be honest; sure, it sucked to say out loud, but Peter needed, deserved to know that I understood his rejection. He was Gen's, at least until he said otherwise. I totally respected that, no matter how it tore my heart in half. And I may sound like I'm trying to be a saint- trust me, I'm not. We're just too old and I know too much about morals and ethics to do anything like that. I took two ethics courses in school; I knew. I wasn't trying to be a good person either; I was trying to do what was morally right for someone that I used to love- loved so much.

Peter's lips opened as he breathed deeply, and his eyes wandered into nowhere like he was lost in thought. "What….. what just happened?" He sounded more than a little perplexed at the situation. "Uh, I said I respected your feelings?" "But…. I…. why?" "What do you mean "why"? Because I have dignity, integrity? I care for you as a human being and respect your right to love whoever you want? Because Josh…" My lips trapped shut as I realized the word that just accidently popped out. Oh my god, what did I just say? Peter wore the same expression, tilting his head a bit.

"I'm sorry, what?" "Uh, respect your right to love whoever you want?" "No, no; after that. You said something after that." Oh, Aerity! I kept repeated groaning inside. Don't be a hypocrite! You literally just thought to yourself that all you needed to do is to be honest; you can't stop telling the truth now. Just tell Peter about Josh and move on with life; not like it'll matter to him anyway. He's the one who just rejected you, after all. "Um, well the truth is….." My gaze directed itself to Josh's bracelet still securely in my hand. "There's someone else I might have feelings for," might being the keyword.

Peter's expression went from slightly stunned to intently paying attention to me. "Oh ok; who?" "What?" I flinched up in surprise. "Who? You gotta tell me who this mystery stud is." "Uh, no I don't. Last time I checked, that's none of your business," I frowned. I usually don't talk to people like this- like at all- but there was something about Peter. Something that stoked this warm burning fire inside of me. Heh, great job on moving on there, Aerity; I grinned to myself.

"Well sure it's my business." What the…?! "How's that?" "Real talk, you just wrote me a love letter. I'm not a heartless monster; it did mean something to me….. you mean something to me," Peter admitted, twirling a paper straw cover in his fingers. "I just wanna know who it is. Is that so bad?" Well, I guess when he puts it like that… what's the worst that can happen? We're already never gonna happen and I'm leaving in four months. Honesty is the best policy, I sighed and glanced up to him.

"His name's Josh Sanderson." "Sanderson?" Peter repeated to himself thoughtfully. "Wait," his eyes lit up in remembrance. "That dweeb from high school? I remember him! I have him on FaceBook." A quick pause before Peter let out a shocked gasp. "Isn't he… didn't he date your sister, uh, um…." "Margot." "Yeah, Margot! Didn't they become a thing over in Europe years ago?" Josh posted about him and Margot's relationship on FaceBook? That was news to me. "Well, technically yes but they're not together anymore. They…. broke up when we got back to the states." "Isn't that like super awkward for you?" No duh, but I wouldn't say that out loud; I did have my dignity. "Yes," I admitted in a sigh. "Especially since he also got his letter."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa; hold on, wait a sec- stop," Peter leaned in closer to me. "I'm not the only guy who got a letter?" "Um, no?" And he looked absolutely floored…. again, for some reason. "Wow, you really think that your special and then you find out that she wrote love letters to two guys." "Well, actually three…. that I remember anyway. It could be more for all I know." "How do you not remember how many letters you wrote?" He asked accusingly. "Easy; I haven't read them in six years. I actually forgot all about them, until I wanted the box they were in…" I really liked that box too.

"Well, who's the third guy? Don't tell me it's that preppy Ambrose dork you were pen pals with in junior high." "Who? How do I not remember any of these guys!?" Peter blinked in surprise when I tossed my arms frustrated up into the air. Then I sighed heavily, slamming my hands down onto the counter. "The third one was Lucas; a close friend from elementary school. I… totally forgot he existed until literally today. I don't even remember writing him a letter." "Ok, who else?" Peter wasn't letting this go. "I don't know. I could have written three letters; I could have written five. I have no clue; the only ones I know of are you, Josh, and Lucas."

"Uh huh," Peter's head nodding in a considering way. He licked his lower lip before looking back at me. "And…. have either of them responded? To the letters, I mean." What? Why was he asking me this? "Well Lucas found me in the park. We just spent the afternoon together." "You were just with some guy all afternoon?!" Peter's eyes lit up alarmed. This made me blink over at him. "Uh, yeah? Is that…. a problem?" "Well, you could have said something," he said like it was super obvious. "Why?" I had no idea where all this was suddenly coming from. "Why should you care?" "Uh, because I do?" What kind of response was that?! If I didn't know any better, it almost sounded like Peter was a little jealous or something.

My expression firmed and I pushed my empty milkshake cup away. "Lucas is a friend, ok? Just a friend; nothing else- ever." "Yeah, and about Josh? What did he say?" "Well…. he hasn't said anything yet; he's not answering his calls." "Oh." Is it just my imagination or did Peter sound a little relieved just there? "But he did send me some roses, so I think he liked it." "What?! He did what?" "What's the big deal? He just sent me some flowers." "You don't get it, Covey. That's guy lingo for "I return your feelings"." My feelings? I merely looked at the frazzled Peter for a second before sighing. "It's not like that. He's still in love with my sister; he told me so before he left the city." "Wait, he's gone?" "Just for the month, yeah. He left to get over…. her." "Oh…" More relief in his tone.

I shook my head a little, having enough of this nonsense; he rejected me, I had to remind myself and him by the sounds of it. "Look, Peter. You really have no right to ask me any of these questions. Well actually, you do; but I have no obligation to answer them. You told me it was never going to happen with us, remember?" Peter's face stiffened as I continued. "I made it very clear that I respect your feelings; I don't mean to tell you what to do but I kind of expect the same in return. If you care about me, like you say you do, as only a friend, then you should support any romance decision that I make because I'm the making it."

Again, Peter took his time responding, continuing to stare at me with those deep, endless eyes of his. Eventually his head gave a shake and he blinked back over to me. "I'm sorry, Aerity," he spoke with such sincerity. His eyes drifted down to his clasped hands on the counter. "You're right; I know you're right. I know I'm the one who said it's not gonna happen. It's just…" The words in his throat paused for a minute. "When I read your letter, I was reminded of all the things I used to like about you." And my eyes grew but I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything….. "The way you talked with your hands when you're happy. How you liked hair scrunchies. The cute way you laugh at like everything. How you'd sometimes eat candy bars for breakfast and hide the wrappers in your locker. The way you made me smile without even trying…." His eyes softened as if to be remembering something pleasant. "And how you always smelt like flowers, but you never wore any perfume. I remember that smell…"

Peter….. I would have said something, but I was too afraid that if my mouth opened, I'd start crying. Instead I simply watched him with the widest eyes. "All those things made me remember how sweet you are, how special….." Peter's lips froze for the briefest moment. "I know it's really selfish, and I won't lie, I'm still in love with Gen… but I don't….." And his eyes finally scrolled up to meet mine. "I don't like the idea of anyone else with you either. Now I know that's super wrong and twisted!" His hands shot up in the air defensively. "But I can't lie to you… not you. That's just how I feel; the thought of you with another guy…. It's weird, you know."

A lull fell over us for a very long time. Our eyes went from looking at each other to staring off into space. Neither of us said anything but there was a lot of thinking going on. However, after what could be called an eternity, we looked at each other at the same time. My lips parted a sliver, as did his. "Peter…" "Aerity." "Thank you." "For what?" "For being honest with me." "Huh?" His mouth contorted in confusion. "Why wouldn't I be?" I replied with a smile; a genuine, warm smile. The fact that he would even ask me this…. "Are you mad at me? I mean, do you never want to talk to me again?" And my head shook; I already knew the answer without thinking. "Ok! So then…." Peter's hand ran through his head. "Does this mean we're officially friends again?" "Yes; yes Peter…" "Huh," and I watched as a grin grew in the corner of his mouth.

"Well, can we start with me driving you home, Aerity?" "Sure," we got up in unison and I grabbed my backpack. Josh's bracelet went back into my bag. "But I gotta say, men in Europe don't "take" ladies anywhere. They escort them," I added with a smile. Peter blinked then mirrored my content expression. "Fine. Then I'll escort you home, Covey." "Better," I said as we walked out to his jeep.


	16. Mine

_Imagine: every day Gen and I would walk to school together. Half way through grade ten, we developed a group of friends, including Peter. I wouldn't say we were the popularest- forgive my spelling- kids in school….. but we were the popularest kids in school. A large part of that had to do with Peter, and partly Gen; they were both just extremely popular people. I was more of the weird friend who just hung around because Gen was my bestie._

 _Every morning we'd get to school. It was the same routine: go in the building, put our stuff in our lockers, and head over to where our group met. Peter was usually there before us, talking and chilling with a few others. He spotted us and instantly smiled. "Hey, cutie," Gen greeted him first, walking over with her arms wide open. This was before they were dating; it was clear from the start that she was into him. Peter however, at least for the first year, was harder to read. He hugged her back then turned to me. "Hey, Covey." He thought my last name was quote "cute", just like me apparently. And there it was; soft melodies from Pride and Prejudice already started playing from the moment I saw him. He waited for a second before grinning._

" _What, are you getting lazy?" "Huh?" I blinked in my utter teenage confusion; not knowing to feel insulted whatsoever- oh, how things change with age. "Get over here," Peter instructed me. Oh! I blinked in realization. Then, wearing the most awkward elated smile, I walked over to Peter so he could wrap his arms around me. I was holding a textbook currently in my arms so I couldn't hug him back. But boy, did I enjoy myself in that moment, shutting my eyes and letting the music play on. Peter made a sound like he was smelling something, which I guess was me. "Huh," he said more to himself than me, I think. "What perfume are you wearing?" "Uh, none!" I wasn't sure if this was a good or bad thing, feeling embarrassed all the same. Peter rested his head on my hair, still holding me close. "You smell like flowers."_

"Alright, favorite store?" "Lush," I answered without hesitation. "Why am I not surprised?" Peter grinned to himself as the jeep turned onto my street. "Ok, your turn." "Hmmmm, favorite food?" "I'm a fries and burger kind of guy." "Why am I not surprised?" I laughed as Peter pulled up into my house. The jeep stopped and we looked at each other with soft eyes.

"Thank you, for getting me home safe. I appreciate it." "No problem. I wanted to make sure you got home alright anyway." And I had to turn my head to hide a smile. I guess Peter took this as his cue to continue talking, er asking. "So, what are you going to say to Sanderson?" "I have to tell him the truth," I said honestly. "Yeah, but uh, you know; what is the truth? I mean do you still like him? Do you not?" "Uh….." Even I had to think about this for a minute. I still didn't know…. I didn't know.

"I don't know," I suddenly heard my mouth say without my permission. Bad mouth! "I do… love him; I truly do. But….." "But what?" Peter asked. I sighed and looked forward onto the dashboard. "He's my best friend; the Josh I love was Margot's boyfriend. I love him desperately….. as a friend. And everyone says I'm "in love" with him, but I can't say for myself. It's in the realm of possibilities but…." My head gave a little shake as I sucked in my lips. "I don't know; I just don't know."

"Oh," I can't say that I was surprised by Peter's relieved tone. Going off what he said earlier, I think that was along the lines of what he wanted to hear. And I was simply being transparent too; I didn't say it for his or my benefit. It was just honestly how I felt. But Peter seemed to take this as a good sign. I know because he sat back in his seat and also turned his head forward; it didn't take a genius to see that the wheels were turning. "Well, how about this?" "What?" "What if… you didn't tell him?" "I can't do that, Peter," I immediately shot that idea down. "It wouldn't be ethical; I have to talk to Josh." "Why?" "Because I don't want him to get the wrong idea," I countered. "He deserves an explanation. Besides, he sent me like a billion roses the other day. You said so yourself; that's guy code for "I like you"." "How do you know he sent them?" "Because the card had a J on it. J for Josh." "Lots of names start with J: Josh, Jared, Jacob, John….."

"It doesn't matter," I waved my hands around in the air. "Either way, I know I wrote him a letter and based on the evidence of you and Lucas getting one, I assume he got his." Peter considered this for a minute before sighing himself. "Look, I'm gonna level with you. I still like Gen; that's probably not going to change anytime soon. But the girl's driving me nuts! She's not like you; she doesn't "respect" my decisions, at least when it comes to relationships." "What do you mean?" My head tilted puzzled. "You remember that day at the mall?" How could I forget? "Well, we broke up that day; or rather, I broke up with her." "Oh… why?" "Gen's really fun… in limited doses. But we're getting older and my partying days are coming to a close. Do you get what I mean? I'm going to be starting masters soon. It's time that I start thinking about the future….. you know, like wife-material."

Oh! Oh…. oh, yeah; I get that like 100%. Entering your later twenties, this becomes a thing, and while I was only twenty-four, I wouldn't be for much longer. Soon, I'd be closer to thirty than twenty…. if that wasn't a terrifying thought. There's no better way to explain it than you "grow up"; and judging by the way Gen spoke to Peter back at the mall, she still had a long way to go. Peter, on the other hand… "What are you getting at?" I asked, trying not to sound rude. I know he had a point to make but he wasn't being very clear. "Long story short, Gen isn't taking the break up well," Peter admitted tiredly. "She keeps calling and texting me, trying to get back together." "And you think I can help with that?" My eyebrow raised a little suspiciously. "Well yeah, actually. You see, Gen would leave me alone…. if I was dating someone else."

I responded by wordlessly opening up the car door and firmly shutting it behind me. "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Peter instantly leapt out from his side of the jeep, racing over to me as I marched up the front path. "We're too old for this, Peter," I said, not even bothering to look him in the eye. "What are you talking about? You didn't hear my whole thing yet." "No, no. I literally just told you that I may have feelings for Josh; Josh is my top relationship priority at the moment. And then, you ask me to be your girlfriend to get your ex off your back? How wrong is that?!" "Hey! I didn't mean be in an actual relationship; just let people think we're together, just for a little while." "I'm not going to play any games with you," I retorted sternly.

"It's not a game! Well, it kinda is but come on! You didn't play any games in high school." "Because they're not ethical! I am kind of girl, Peter; you should know that." "I do! Actually…. that's why I kinda want you to be my fake girlfriend," he finally admitted, looking very petty at the moment. His hand rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "If you "date" me, Gen will think it's real because you don't play games. She'll back off once she sees that I'm no longer available." "Uh, Peter? Have you ever seen angry exs before? You think Gen wouldn't make my life a living hell? She'd be so jealous that she'd do everything to hurt me. And to be frank with you, I didn't come all the way back to America to have some woman ruin my summer before my last year of undergrad. And that's not even taking Josh's feelings into account! The answer is no, absolutely not!"

"To hell with Sanderson!" This… was the most disgusting thing Peter had ever said. I was about to berate him until I was red in the face, but he went on. "The dude just broke up with your sister, kay? He told you that he's still in love with another woman, who also happens to be your sister! He's your best friend; until you get feelings that aren't purely platonic for him, he's stuck in the friendzone. You don't owe him anything outside being his best friend; you don't have to save yourself for him, especially when he's hung up on Margot. You don't have to make yourself love him because you think you owe it to him; that's not how it works. If you do love Josh- in a romantic sense- then I'll back off and never say another word about it. But you yourself said you don't know. That's not how solid relationships start, with one of the parties unsure." And my jaw dropped; my mouth literally hung open in awe. Not because Peter was yelling at me for the third time since I got back but because…. he was right. Somewhere, deep deep down, I knew that he was right. And a part of me still believed that because I loved Josh so much as a friend, that I owed it to him to also love him romantically… when he needed me. Yeah, ok; that's also problematic.

Peter stopped to take a breath, shake his head, and plant his hands on his hips while he looked up at the sky. I waited for him to speak next because honestly…. I had nothing to say to this. We both knew he was right; I had no objection to offer. "How long did you say Sanderson was gone for?" "Uh, a month?" "Alright, how about this? I'm assuming that you still have some loyalty to Sanderson despite what I just said." I nodded quietly, unable to look him in the eye. "Ok, how about this? We become a couple for a month- just a month. We don't have to call each other "boyfriend" or "girlfriend"; we'll only do what you're comfortable with. Just be… mine for a month; without that sounding creepy," Peter paused to draw in a deep breath. "And then, if you feel something akin to romance for Sanderson by the end of the month, we can stop this….. whatever you want to call it."

I looked at Peter with gigantic eyes. After all that, he still wanted to enter a fake relationship with me. And all because Gen won't leave him alone. However, what I said about Gen earlier still holds; even if Josh wasn't in the picture, she'd still make my life miserable over the summer. My head shook, though not as confidently as I'd like. "Gen would do everything in her power to murder me. I'm flattered, but it's really not a good idea." Not if I want to enjoy my summer. "Look, don't worry about Gen. I won't let her do anything to you." "You can't promise that. And besides, you're still in love with her; how could you really stop her from doing anything? You'd always pick her over me." "No, I wouldn't. You'd be my girlfriend, or whatever you call it; you'd be my first priority in everything," Peter retorted with such genuine sincerity that I actually blushed.

Peter spotted my moment of weakness and went in for the kill. "I know you don't play games and have an ethical issue with this. But would it still be a problem if you set the terms and we didn't use the word "dating"? There's gotta be a way to make this morally viable for you." "Well I guess the only way is if we really became a couple… for the month," I quickly added. That's when Peter and I looked at one another in true understanding for the first time. If we did this, we'd have to be together for it to be ethical enough for me….. Sure, it would only be for a month, but we'd be really together. Peter would be mine… all mine for a month. My heart suddenly felt in my throat as the same lovely tune began to play in my head. Mr. Darcy… My mouth opened a touch as words and music all jumbled together inside my mind. Peter took his cue, seeing the dawning light shine through my eyes.

"Please, Aerity; I don't trust anyone else besides you." "But… we've only just met after six years apart." "Come on," his expression morphed into one unimpressed. "This is you we're talking about. You're like the textbook definition of a delicate flower and trust me; that's not a bad thing. You like radiate this goodness is what I mean." Peter, my eyes started to grow. "So….. will you be uh… will you be mine for the month, Covey?" Peter's gaze met mine again, intently. "And maybe longer, depending on how things go? With you and Sanderson I mean." "You have to be ok with that, Peter," I qualified. "He's my best friend; he's not going anywhere." "The dude's not even in the same city. But yes, I promise I won't freak out over your friendship. Let me qualify the word "friendship". You need to be honest with me about your feelings with him, ok?" "Ok, deal," my head gave a nod. Deal…

"So?" "So….." A pregnant pause swept over us as our gazes drifted, thinking…. realizing. "Peter?" "Covey?" And I smiled; I smiled…. "I'll do it, on one condition." The memory of my trauma and Josh holding me in his arms flashed through my mind. Of course, that would come up…. it was bound to at some point. "It's sounds really needy and I'm sorry, but…. please try and be understanding with me. There might be times when I get weird or scared…." "Hey, whoa, whoa," Peter's hand lifted into the air; my sudden shaky voice made him look nervous. "There's nothing to be scared about. I'd never do anything to hurt you." "Not you…." I whispered with my lower lip constantly quivering. It took him a second, but Peter finally blinked in comprehension.

"Don't worry; you're safe. You're safe with me." I didn't respond, still trying to control my now shaking bottom lip. Peter's eyes softened intently. "Is that why you miss Sanderson so much? You feel vulnerable apart like this?" And my head nodded; it was so true that I couldn't even try to deny it- not that I would. Peter took a few steps closer to me, his eyes still locked onto my worried face. "Will you tell me about it someday?" I nodded again, still not looking up. Peter's hand rose up to my chin, gently rising it so I had to meet his eyes. His beautiful, endless eyes…. "It's ok; it's ok, Aerity. I won't let anything happen to you; not while I'm around," his eyes lowered into mine. "I'm here. I'm here now."


	17. The Contract

" _You smell like flowers… you smell like flowers."_ Huh, that's the oddest thing, I thought staring up at the clear blue sky. I never wore any perfume or lotion, and my shampoo and conditioner were scentless- just like Margot wanted. But Peter insisted that I always smelt good; always. And that was before…. all before….

"Hey, Covey?" "Yes?" Peter and I were sitting at a picnic table near the city field; Peter had a lacrosse game tonight. He still played after all these years; go figure. I was at home reading _Candide_ when Peter called me up. In short, he thought we should talk about our "coupling" arrangement. We found a picnic table in the shade to sit at, where he pulled out a wad of paper and pink pen. I looked surprised as he slid it over to me. "Here."

"What's this for?" "I said yesterday that you'd get to set the terms of… this, and I meant it. We'll only do whatever you're comfortable with; I just need to know what that is." "Oh! Is that what the paper is for?" Peter nodded. "I think we need a contract or something, for this I mean." "What?" I asked a bit shakily. "You mean like a Fifty Shades of Grey type contract?" "No, no, no!" His hand waved around. "Just make up some rules; whatever you want to do or don't want to do. I don't know, just write it down." And I eyed him with a cute little smirk. "You know, you would have thought this was the lamest thing back in high school." "That was before I learned what real consent was back in university. Let's be honest, I was a pig in high school." "You weren't a pig!" "Are you kidding? I grabbed Gen once and just kissed her- just like that. I didn't even ask permission or anything. That would never fly today." He's right; it's wouldn't. Not to mention it's super against the rules in any university or anywhere where the law touches. You learn all this "how to make relationships unfun" in university.

With a hint of playfulness, Peter reached over to put the pen in my hand. It was then that I noticed the ink was pink- my favorite color. "Where'd you get this? Gen hates pink, or at least she did when we were younger." "It's not Gen's," Peter corrected gently. "I got it for you; I know you like pink." "Awe!" I actually "awed" out loud. That was so cute! He really went out and bought me a pink pen for the occasion; probably to say "thank you" for being "his" this month. His…. With a wide grin on my face, I turned down to the empty paper. My hand froze for a minute as I gazed up a bit puzzled. "What should I write?" "Anything- any boundaries you want, any rules, any requests. Hey, this is my first time too," he confessed, and I grinned again.

"Ok, well first things first. I'm sorry, Peter, but this is a big one: no touching." "No touching?" His dark brown eyebrow raised. "Like at all?" "I'm just…. really warily about guys touching me; any guy." Peter looked like he was about to ask "why" but refrained himself. He instead considered the situation while nibbling on the skin on the tip of his thumb. "We're in our twenties, Covey. And I'm not trying to pressure you, but it'll look really weird if we- two full-grown adults- never touch each other. That's what couples in junior high do." "That sounds a lot like pressure, Peter." "Ok, ok; I get it," his hands rose up defensively. "Well, ok. What kind of contact, if any, would you be ok with? If it's none, then that's what we'll go with." "Boy," my eyes grew in mild astonishment. "You have changed. The sixteen-year-old Peter would have complained none-stop." "Not sixteen anymore, girl," he grinned over at me.

I smiled at him for a second before adding something to the rule on paper. "Ok, how about this? No kissing- period." "Ok, I can do that." "But you can hold my hand and hug me whenever we're both comfortable with it." "So basically, all contact is hugs and hand-holding? Am I correct?" "Yes. And maybe, on special occasions, you can kiss my cheek or forehead. Just no lips ever, ok?" Peter didn't say anything right away, merely watched me with large, spongy eyes. It was like he was trying to access the situation without asking for any details. "Kissing on the lips isn't romantic for you, is it?" "Not anymore," an instant lump formed in my throat. Not since I was twenty-two….. "We just can't do it, ok? If you want to kiss me, kiss my forehead, cheek, or hair- that's it." "Ok, I can live with that. What else?" He wisely chose to drop the topic, letting me quickly move on before… well, you know; panic attack city.

"Um, what else….. You have to tell me whenever Gen contacts you." "Done, but you have to tell me whenever you talk to Sanderson." "Deal," I wrote that down. "You have to tell me if you're ever uncomfortable with or upset about something; no secrets….. starting now," I had to tack on; I had to… "Ok, but you have to do the same, kay?" "Ok," more scribbling. Boy, I adored this pink pen so much. "Anything you want to add?" I then turned up to Peter, who seemed a little puzzled by this question. "What do you mean? I wanted to do this for you; you set the terms, remember?" "Well, yeah… but I want you to be happy and comfortable this month too," I did, I really did.

Peter watched me with this weird, sort of elated expression for a brief moment before grinning and rubbing the back of his neck. "Alright. Well, if you're alright with it, I'd like you to come to my lacrosse games." "I can do that," and away my hand wrote. "Anything else?" "I really like going to movies, but going off rule- what is it?" He had to check. "Rule three, if you ever feel reluctant or, what's that word….?" His fingers snapped together. "What word?" "You know, when you feel scared or something like that all of a sudden." "Triggered?" Triggered…. Oh boy, I knew what that was. But I was a little surprised that Peter did, and what's more, he knew it applied to me. "Yeah; if you ever feel reluctant or triggered by anything we see, you have to let me know and we'll leave immediately." "You'd….. you'd do that….. for me?" A number of butterflies started fluttering around in my stomach. "Course! Write that down," and I did.

"Alright!" I sighed and grinned back up at him. "Now something positive. What's something positive we can do for…. "this"?" Peter thought to himself before his eyes lit up. "I could… write you little notes every day….. if you'd like." Peter…. My lips opened in minor awe. No one…. no one had ever done anything like that for me before, minus the two dozen roses I just got. "Would you…. mind doing that?" I had to look down while asking this, feeling suddenly a little shy. He didn't reply right away, simply looking at me again, effortlessly…. "Would that make you happy?" I nodded slowly. "Gen was always on my case about not writing her love letters or notes or anything. I don't know; chicks seem to dig it, so I thought…. maybe it'd make you happy." Peter, my eyes softened. Peter…. "I'd like that," I'd like that a lot.

We smiled at each other and then I signed my name on the contract. My hand slid it over to Peter, who pulled out his own pen and signed it in dark blue ink. Then he tore it off, folded it up, and handed it to me. "My lady." "Thank you," I took it with a grin and set it in my back pocket, next to Josh's bracelet. "So!" "So….. I guess we're really doing this, at least for the next month." "I guess we are," I gave a side grin. "Gen's gonna freak when she finds out." And Peter nodded, though not excitedly. "That's gonna be fun," he groaned.

"Hey," I reached over to place my hand over his wrist, causing him to peer down at it. "We'll deal with it together. Remember what you said yesterday? You're here for me, and for the next month, I'm here for you too," I tried to sound as reassuring as possible, which I think worked because he looked up at me with a small smile. His other hand came to rest overtop of mine in the most tenderest way….. so incredibly tender. "Can you say that again?" "What?" "What you just said, about being here for me; us being there for each other." Oh. But I didn't the chance to ask why; Peter's gaze lowered as his hand tightened its grip on mine. "The way you say it…. the sound of your voice… there's something about it. When you say that," his eyes rolled up to deliberately meet mine, soak mine in. "I'm inclined to believe you." Peter, my own eyes grew as my cheeks began to sizzle a lovely shade of pink. This man….. My mouth didn't hesitate to open. This wonderful, wonderful man. "Together, Peter. From now on, we'll do everything together." Just like this, the heat from our hands radiated into each other's.


	18. Peter's Pick Up

"Did Josh ever call you back?" Kitty asked as I shut the front door behind us. "No," I sighed while locking up. "And it's been five days since he sent me the bouquet. He hasn't even texted me." "Well, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure he's still working through some things- cough- Margot- cough." "I know, I know…." "You two can talk about it when he gets back." "You're right," I shot her a pleasant smile. "So! How are we getting to the visa office? Should I drive or….?" Kitty's sentence was cut off by a loud series of honks. She looked to me confused and I smiled. "Um, Aerity?" "Yes?" "There's a jeep….. in front of our house." "Yes; yes, there is."

That's when Peter opened his car door and came out to fetch us. The look on Kitty's face went from shocked to ecstatic in three seconds. "Whoa! Look who it is; Mr. Hottie!" She exclaimed a little too loudly. "Hey, Covey," Peter greeted me before turning to her. "Little Covey." "Little?" "Kitty, do you remember Peter from the movies the other night?" I asked her. "How could I forget?" Her grin was much too happy. "Ready to go to the visa office?" "Wait? He's driving us?" Kitty blinked over to me perplexed. "That's right." "Yeah, I've never been to the visa office before; could be fun." "It's not," my sister's eyes rolled.

I wasn't impressed with how Kitty was acting thus far but I did notice her eyes grow in astonishment when Peter opened the jeep door and smiled at me. He shut my door once I was securely inside and joined me in the car, along with Kitty in the back seat. I could feel her eyes move constantly between Peter and me, which wasn't awkward at all, my eyes inwardly rolled. My younger sister just had this knack of saying and doing these things; such things that made me want to melt down and seep through the floor. Here's one such example. "Why are you two friends again?" She asked Peter, making me feel ill for the briefest moment. Ugh, Kitty! Why?!

Peter peered over at me and cracked a side grin. "Well, it just sorta happened," ok, I wouldn't argue with that; it was a half-truth. Kitty wasn't at all satisfied with this. "Yeah, ok. So you're just driving us downtown to the visa office because you "just sorta happened"? Uh huh, no; try again." "Kitty!" I gasped annoyedly. "Uh, well, uh I guess I'm her… boyfriend?" He looked to me for confirmation. "Boyfriend?!" Oh god, my eyes automatically winced shut. Here it comes…. "Wha-… how…. Aerity?!" "I can explain, Kitty. We're just together for a little while; just to test the waters, you could say." And Peter smiled in my direction; he genuinely smiled….. Kitty wasn't smiling however. She had this look of utter scandal on her face.

"Quit smiling at her like that," Kitty ordered Peter, making us both turn back to her in surprise. Oh, the glare she was shooting Peter…. "She's not available." "Kitty! What are you…?!" "May I remind you of the two dozen roses sitting all around the house? You're going to be going off to masters soon. It's time to start thinking of husband material, sis." "What is she talking about?" Peter asked me, sounding more confused than anything. "I'm talking about you being friend-zoned, mister," Kitty cut in and my eyes rolled; they couldn't help it. "Seriously, Aerity! Why would you go for Mr. Wickham when you can have Mr. Darcy?" "Who?" Peter sounded even more puzzled, if that were possible.

My lips let out a long sigh as I stared up at the ceiling of the jeep and gently shook my head. "It's not that simple, Kitty." "Sure, it is! Your Mr. Darcy is hot, and smart, and rich….." "Uh, I'm all the above," Peter's hand rose up, earning a grin from me. "Really?" Of course she wasn't convinced. "You're also rich?" "Well, yeah; kinda. We're….. comfortable." "Oh," for some reason, this made her re-think her position. She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms defiantly. "Well, ok; I guess Aerity can have two Mr. Darcys for the summer. But just FYI, I'm still team Josh." "Kitty!" My sister's lack of filter left me absolutely flabbergasted. Peter's eyes rolled from her to me, as if seeking context. "It's a long story," I sighed.

"Ok," to my surprise, my fake boyfriend decided to play along. Despite everything, I think he still liked Kitty; it was pretty hard to not like Kitty, regardless of her… quirks. "Well, what do I have to do to get you onto team Peter?" This question took Kitty aback, who looked at us with wide alarmed eyes. They didn't last long though, as a clever smirk rolled over her lips. "Drive me and Aerity wherever we want to go," she demanded. "You can drive, Kitty," I countered. "Yeah but being chauffeured is more fun." "You got it," Peter grinned, a bit happily to my surprise. "Anything else?" "It might help if you watched Pride and Prejudice with us on our movie night." "Ok, I can do that," though he was looking at me this time. "Good," and she grinned for what felt like the first time since we got into the car. "Ok, you can stick around; for a little while."

Peter chuckled and pulled something out of his pocket. I watched as he reached over to set something onto my leg. It was a little folded piece of paper with my name written on it. "As per our agreement," he said before starting the car and pressing on the gas. While he drove and talked with Kitty, who was warming up to "Mr. Hottie" rather quickly, I unfolded the paper. It read: _I know this may seem a bit weird at first; for me too. But that doesn't make me not want to do it; it just makes me want to stand beside you while we go on this journey- together._ The most nature of smiles bloomed across my face; of which I'm sure Kitty saw but didn't address, for once. Huh, what a beautiful note….. My eyes instinctively rolled over to Peter, who was concentrating on the road. _"I've never read poetry before, but this isn't bad. You have some real talent."_ Looks like I wasn't the only one with poetic inclinations, my grin widened brilliantly.


	19. First Taste of Gen's Jealousy

Peter held my hand as we walked through the mall together. The visa office wasn't a fun experience for anyone; it never was. First they separated us- or rather me- into different rooms and took away my phone. And they just left me there…. for two straight hours. I wasn't allowed to leave! And I didn't have my phone so I couldn't text Peter or Kitty about the situation. Luckily for me, this wasn't my first time at the visa office. Kitty knew how long they could potentially wait so I was grateful she was currently with Peter; so he wouldn't be confused out of his mind.

I emerged from the office tired and starving. Seeing me in this state, Peter went into automatic repair mode. He gathered up me and my sister, drove us straight to the mall, and bought me ice cream. Originally, he wanted to get me "real food", but I'm an adult and I consider ice cream a meal. Seriously, I ate a whole tub of Ben and Jerrys for dinner back in Edinburgh on the odd occasion. Kitty thought this was a brilliant idea, so we went to Marble Slab and Peter also got me a smoothie from Jugo Juice; double win!

After "dinner", Kitty wanted to go to Abercrombie and Fitch and I wanted to visit Lush. And Peter…. well, let's just say I swore never to be one of those women who leave their significant other outside while they shop…. so Peter came inside Lush with me. And believe it or not, it was not a horrible experience for him. He kept pointing to containers and saying "oh! Covey, you have to smell this!" I even let him pick out a perfume he'd like me to try on; he chose "Snow Fairy" because he said it literally smelt like the color pink. And we both know how I adore pink.

We emerged from Lush, smelling really good in my opinion, walking hand-in-hand to get fetch my sister. Admittedly, it felt weird at first, but it was strangely convenient; we never lost each other because we always had a grip on the other. Try to imagine that without it sounding creepy or controlling; it was actually very easy after we got used to it. Peter told me a joke and I laughed, not really paying attention to who was around us. It never occurred to me that we might not be alone at the mall. Well, ok; I know we're not the only people at a mall, but people I know I meant. And by the way Peter was acting- so casually and genuine- I'd say neither did he.

We came to a halt in front of Abercrombie and Fitch; Kitty just texted that she was paying. While waiting, Peter twirled a strand of my hair and grinned a tad. "I'd forgotten what this felt like. Were you always this fun?" I laughed. "All we did was eat ice cream and go to Lush, after that horrible visa experience. I'm sorry again, by the way." "Look, would you stop apologizing? It's not your fault and besides, Kitty and I had a good time; we… got to know each other better." "She told you a bunch of embarrassing stories, didn't she?" "Mmmmmmm maybe or two," Peter cracked a grin. I mirrored his reflection and he leaned in to sniff my hair. "You smell good," he said, still pressed up against my head.

"Uh, what are you doing?" Like we were just caught by the police, we both immediately stepped back apart from each other. Turning forward, we saw a very confused and upset Gen standing there. She wasn't looking, or glaring, at Peter; her eyes were viciously glued onto me. Ferociously. "Did you leave your oh so precious morals back in Scotland? What are you doing here with my boyfriend, Aerity?" I don't think she could sound more accusing if she tried. Oh hell….. I winced internally. I knew this would happen; I could see this coming from a mile away. Although I didn't think it'd happen so soon; same with Peter. His expression was just as startled as mine.

It took a minute for either of us to say anything. My open tried to pry open to answer her but it just wouldn't listen to me. Fortunately, Peter stepped in for both of us. "I told you, we're over, Gen. I'm not your boyfriend anymore." "Oh," Gen fired him a sour glare. "Oh, ok. So, to get back at me, after you dumped me, you rebound to ex best friend? As if breaking my heart wasn't enough? You're using her to rub it in my face too?" "He's not using me for anything," I frowned, cutting in. Ok well… maybe he kind of was, but that's none of her business. Neither of us owed her an explanation.

Gen sent me the most hateful stare I'd ever seen; at least here in America. "Uh, excuse me; I'm talking to "my" man. You can just go over there and be quiet," she had the audacity to wave her hand at me. My mouth didn't hesitate to shoot open this time to tell her off, but Peter surprisingly moved to situate himself securely between us. Once in front of me, him hand reached back to take hold of mine, as if to reassure me. And boy, he did not look happy at Gen; not at all. "Alright, listen to me, Gen; I know you're really bad at it, but try for a minute. I am not your; not anymore- those days are done. You hear me? We're over for good this time." This time? My eyebrow raised but I didn't interrupt.

"Oh, and you think you dating her will prove that to me?" Gen accused, folding her arms angrily. "Her name isn't "her"; it's Aerity. And you should know that since you were best friends for years." "Whatever," Gen rolled her eyes. "I know you're still into me, Peter. This, and nothing else, is gonna convince me otherwise." "Aren't we a little old for this, Gen?" My eyes actually rolled this time. This was getting pathetic; we were adults for pete's sake. "You mean a little old to be stealing someone else's boyfriend?" She shot back at me. "She didn't steal me, Gen," Peter's eyes also rolled exasperated. "I gave myself to her." This made both of us look at him; Gen with utter alarm and dismay, and me… A familiar melody began to play in the back of my mind as my grip tightened on Peter's hand.

Gen's lower lip quivered for a minute; she looked… desperate in that moment. Like really desperate. "Seriously? Why would you give yourself to Aerity of all girls? Her?!" "Because she was the only one not asking for me," Peter's peered at me through the corner of his eye. "Exactly!" Gen tossed her arms up into the air. "That means she doesn't want you!" "Uh, actually it means that I have class," I corrected in a calm tone, which I knew enraged her more. "I don't "chase" men; men chase me," I had to add a superior smirk in. Granted, not many men had chased me throughout my history; none that I wanted anyway. But I still followed that rule of etiquette for myself. Even Peter looked impressed.

Gen gave off a nasty frown, placing one hand on her hip with "attitude". "Oh yeah? Who would chase you?" "I would," Peter answered directly, still staring at me. "I still don't get it! Why her?!" "Because she's not easy to catch, but she's worth the chase," Peter finally sent Gen a face. I confess, I felt super happy in that second. No one had ever said anything about me like that before. And I know that he could just be saying this to get Gen off his back, but…. My fingers wrapped around his softly, tenderly….. I'd like to believe it's true. I knew that wasn't going to be the end of Gen's nonsense but still….. Please, please be true.


	20. At the Movies Again

Time passed quickly. I went from being broken with grief over missing Josh and his shattered relationship, to laughing and smiling again. Don't get me wrong, I still missed Josh, but others- mostly Peter- made it easier. He was insanely easy to be around and was a such a good fake boyfriend; and he didn't even try. Well ok, he did try- but he made it look effortless, if that makes sense. Peter and I were together almost every day; maybe that's why the days started to blur together.

But don't worry, we still made time for our other friends. Kitty and I watched a ton of movies together, and Chris and I hung out a lot. Even Lucas and I were getting closer. I was in the middle of putting away my laundry when he called me. "Hi, Lucas." "Hey, what up, girl? How's it goin'?" "Good! Good, just putting away clothes. How are you?" "Pretty good. Just wanted to ask what you're doing tonight." "I didn't have any plans yet. Did you want to do something?" "Yeah! You wanna go see a movie?" "Sure!" I chirped. "What did you have in mind?" "Well, I really wanna see My Downstairs Tenet Stole my Axe, but we can see that weasel movie if you want." "Haha, I've already seen that one. Sure, we can go see Axe Guy movie." "Ok, great! How does eight o'clock sound?" "Perfect!" A grin rolled across my face. Then I got an idea.

"Would it be ok if I brought my… friend?" This was a lot easier to ask than I thought it would be. "Your friend? Absolutely! The more, the merrier; invite more if you want." Oh Lucas, my smile softened. He wasn't like me; he was an extrovert who just loved being around people. You think that would lead to tension in our friendship but no- not at all. It's a difference we just accept in each other. In truth, I loved being around Lucas, with his energy-full self and such good relationship wisdom. And I'm sure he and Peter will get along…. after they get to know each other. Plus, I remember Peter saying that he wanted to see that movie; I didn't really want to see it but Peter didn't ask me to go with him. Probably because of this sole fact. But I wouldn't mind going for him; him and Lucas.

I ended up inviting Chris too; she was ecstatic that I even considered seeing that movie. Peter was also surprised but more leery- not because Lucas was going to be there and he didn't know he was gay yet, but he wasn't sure if I really wanted to see the movie for myself. I said I'd go for him however, and Peter excitedly relented. He picked me up and drove us to the theatre. Lucas got there first; he flashed me a brilliant smile and walked towards me with his arms wide open. "Aerity!" "Hi Lucas," we met in a tight, friendly embrace. Peter's expression went from startled to slightly alarmed. He didn't have time to address the issue though, as Lucas let go of me and stared at Peter with wide eyes.

"Whoa! Who's your friend, Aerity?" Lucas asked, not taking his eyes off my fake boyfriend. I couldn't help but grin at Peter's stunned reaction. "This is Peter Kavinsky. Peter? You remember Lucas?" "Him?" His finger rose up to the smiling Lucas. "He's the one you wrote a letter to?" "Well, technically we were ten years old and she misspelt the word "beautiful"," he winked at me. "What about you? You're hot! Are you single?" "Uh…" Peter's mouth hung open and I realized that he could actually be speechless. Enjoying this immensely, I decided to come to his rescue, smiling and wrapping my arm around his. "We're kind of a thing."

"Really?!" Lucas sounded happier for me than anything; his eyes lighting up in delight. Seeing this, a smile bloomed across Peter's face and his hand took mine. "That's right. We just…. got together." "Wow! Good for you! So I guess you-know-who is….." "It's complicated," I quickly interrupted. I told Lucas about Josh that afternoon we hung out; his opinion was that I should do whatever I want without trying to make others happy. Look how that turned out. But he and Peter grinned at each other and shook hands. "It's nice to meet you, Lucas." "Likewise! Make sure to take care of this girl; she's something wonderful." Peter smiled over at me before we both turned to face Lucas. "Thanks, Lucas. You're wonderful too," I said kindly; Peter didn't nod in agreement, but I knew he agreed. I knew. And that's how the long-term solid friendship between Peter and Lucas began.

Chris soon joined us, we got our tickets and concession, and went into the theater. Peter sat in between Lucas and me, and I sat next to Peter and Chris; we didn't plan this, it just sorta happened this way. But we were all happy. The movie was…. interesting. It wasn't Saw- thank god- but it wasn't too campy either. It was like a cross between Halloween- the original- and…. insert any funny movie here; I can't think of one at the moment. Lucas seemed like he loved it and even Peter appeared to be enjoying himself. I, on the other hand…..

"Hey Mural? Have you my axe? I thought I left it outside in the shed." The main character entered the kitchen to question his roommate currently doing the dishes. "No, I haven't seen it. Have you asked the downstairs tenet, Lester?" "No! That's a good idea; I'll go and…" The protagonist froze at the back door, staring at something outside with scared eyes. "What is it, Chuck?" "It's…. it's Lester. He's outside and….." "What's wrong? You look frightened." "It's Lester! He's coming up to the house….. and he's got my axe in his hands!" This was followed by very loud screams and bangs.

I instinctively covered my eyes with my hands; I didn't need to see some freak named "Lester" hack apart his landlords. Peter's head turned right to me and he leaned in to whisper into my ear. "Do you want to go? We can go if you want." My head rapidly shook with my eyes still covered. Of course he wasn't convinced, looking a little concerned. "Remember the contract? You promised to tell me if something made you uncomfortable or scared." "It's…. it's ok," I managed to get out. "It's just a movie; I'll be fine." And I would; these weren't the triggers I had to worry about. Seeming to trust me but still wanting to be supportive, Peter's arm wrapped over my shoulder and he pulled me up to him. I blinked up in mild surprise and he simply grinned down at me reassuringly. "Just cuddle up if you get scared. I'll hold you…. I'll hold you as tight as you need me to."


	21. In My Literal Dreams

" _Forget everything for two minutes."_

I had just got back from the store with a bunch of cake mixes and cans of icing. Back in junior and high school, I loved to bake….. then I moved to Europe and lost all my baking utensils. Baking is so much less fun when you have no books or equipment to bake with. So six years later, here we are; I lost my passion for baking over the years, which is normal. I know you're probably sick of me talking about "in your twenties" by now but come on; real talk, it's all true. People lose and gain new hobbies in their adult life. For example, I don't like baking anymore, but I now love origami- something I had zero interest in in high school. Instead of making everything from scratch like I used to, I now use and love cake mixes; particularly because you can make them with literally no equipment.

I was just about to get started on my first batch of cupcakes when all of a sudden….. Ring, ring! My phone started vibrating on the counter. Margot's face came up. Margot? Huh! She hasn't called me in weeks; I wonder how she's doing. I answered without hesitation. "Hi, sis!" "Hey, hi, Aerity! Sorry it's been so long; I've been… dealing with stuff." "Say no more," I grinned. "I get it." "Yeah, I knew you would," I could feel Margot's smile from my side of the line. "

"I just wanted to check in and see how everything's going. How's the visa application coming?" "Good! I sent it in three weeks ago." "Great! Did you have any issues?" "Well, no; no, I wouldn't say. Just a long wait." "I hear that," she laughed. "But enough about me. How's Vancouver?!" "Hot and humid, but very lovely. I wish you were here; you'd love it." "Eh, that's ok; I got a lot to do here." "Good… so how's everyone doing?" "Alright; Kitty and Daddy are enjoying the nice spring weather." "That's good…. and how's….. Josh doing?"

This made me pause for a moment and stare down at my phone. That's right! Josh left after Margot; she doesn't know that's he's not here. What should I….. _"It's just so hard to be here right now. Everything reminds me of her when I'm trying to forget."_ What should I say? "Hello? Aerity?" Margot's voice broke my train of thought, making me flinch softly. "Huh?! Sorry. He's uh… well, I haven't seen him a while, to be honest." There was a quick pause. "What do you mean you haven't seen him? He lives next door; plus he's your best friend. You two haven't been apart for more than a day since you moved to Europe." Haven't been apart….. My eyes lowered a tad. That's true…. I'd forgotten how long it's been….. Out of nowhere my chest suddenly began to tighten.

Another lapse in the conversation flew over us. "He… went away for the month. He said he'd take a page from your book and get over you…. your relationship in a healthy way." "Oh," I detected a hint of disappointment in Margot's voice. "So…. he hasn't contacted you at all since he left?" "Well…" My gaze wandered over to one of the roses still left alive from the bouquet. "Sort of, I guess." Yet another intermission. "Are you ok, Aerity?" My sister finally asked; her tone was more worried now than anything. This caught me by surprise; why wouldn't I be ok? "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" "Do you….. miss Josh? I mean you two were inseparable for so long….. This must be hard for you." Hard for me? My eyes widened. Hard for me….

My lips parted a sliver, but nothing came out. No appropriate response came to mind; nothing came to mind. I just continued to gawk down at my phone with my mouth hanging open. Strange…. Eventually, after a silent moment or two, my conscious started to return in full force. It's been almost a month since Josh left; one month…. and I hadn't….. I guess I wasn't paying attention to the time. Not since…..

A wave of acute guilt and alarm hit me like a title wave. What the hell was wrong with me?! Josh was my best friend; the one who'd been with me through thick and thin. How could I….? I felt like I was going to burst out into tears and that's when I knew I had to end the phone call. "Aerity? Hey, sis; you ok?" "Sorry, Margot. I gotta go!" My hand reached up to cover my mouth. What kind of horrible person am I? Josh left and I just moved on with life…. despite the fact that… "Whoa, hey, Aerity!" Before she could say more, my free hand hung up on her. Then it rolled up into a ball and lifted to rest on my chest.

The truth is that over the past month, I actually hadn't thought about Josh that much; not since Peter and I…. But I still carried his beads everywhere; they never left my side. Looking over to my bag, I immediately went to fetch them. Pulling them out, I held them up in front of me and sat down on the edge of my bed. Why? If I don't think about Josh, then why do I still even carry these? What's the reason? There had to be one; I wouldn't just do it for no purpose. But what was it? My fingers curled around the bracelet. An endless stream of memories started to play through my mind like a movie. Josh and I when we were little, playing outside together…. Josh…. Him moving to Europe with me and Margot….. Josh… The look on his face when Margot asked him about the plane ticket… oh, Josh….. He and Margot kissing. Josh! Him spending all those nights in my room with me, holding my hand…. I'm sorry, Josh… _"Never; I'll never leave you, as long as you need me."_ Josh…. Josh catching me in his arms in Paris. _"It's ok; I'm here. No one can hurt you now, I'm here."_ Josh. Him holding my hand, pressing his forehead into mine. _"Please, let me keep you. Please be the one thing I never have to worry about losing."_

With tears now streaming down my face, I gave a little hiccup. It's clear now…. I'm afraid; I must be afraid….. My lips parted slightly so I could breathe. I'm afraid that I'm really….. in love with Josh. I can't let myself think about him; I can't because….. A part of me is also afraid that I might be falling for Peter as well. But wait, that's not right; I don't love Peter, that's….. impossible. Josh, on the other hand….. Still weeping soundly, my head fell onto my pillow and my eyes shut. Soon blissful darkness overcame me, and I found myself drifting out of this world- off to somewhere far, far away where these worries couldn't find me. Far, far away….

 _I was in one of my favorite places in the world: Versailles. Although Paris was by no means spotless in my memories, I still harboured warm, affectionate feelings for the city. Versailles was the first palace I'd ever seen; I didn't know places like these existed. Well, of course I knew but it only truly became real when I was there in person. Where I was at the current moment was a section of the palace called the Hall of Mirrors. It was empty, much like the day I first visited Versailles. After looking over myself in one of the mirrors, I scanned all around my surroundings. Then I crossed the ballroom floor over to one of the massive windows overseeing the extensive gardens outside. Now I know this was a dream, but I was startled to hear something, or someone come up from behind me._

" _It's been a while, Miss Covey." Immediately spinning around, I saw a figure standing in one of the golden doorways across the room. It was the oddest thing; my head tilted a little in confusion. I knew it was a man; I could tell that just by looking at him. And yet his face and any defining features were obscure. Huh, that's weird; why would I dream of a man I didn't recognize or know? At first I thought it might be Peter or Josh but no… there was something about that voice though… that soft, masculine voice. I swore I've heard it before, much like Lucas's; but just like Lucas, I had no face to pin it to. Even though the man had no face- only a head and brown hair- I knew he was smiling at me. Not an evil or scary smile; just a pleasant, even enduring beam. And I wasn't afraid… for some reason, I knew there was nothing to fear from this faceless man. He was wearing a dark blue suit, which looked more like a school uniform than anything, and holding a long-stem red rose in his gloved hand. I watched as he slowly made his way across the room towards me, still grinning._

" _Who are you? Are you… Peter? Josh?" The man's head shook. "Oh no. I am much, much deeper in the recesses of your mind; I'm where the sound of your mother's voice is and your first goldfish." "I had a goldfish?!" I blinked astonished. "When you were three; you accidently flushed it down the toilet." "Oh…. I have no memory of that." "I know; just like me, you have blocked it out." This made me look at him suspiciously. "How do you know that?" My tone was slightly accusing. "Because I'm the same. Memories like us are too painful for you to remember." "You're a painful memory?" My eyebrow rose. "Yes…. oh yes," to my surprise and mild alarm, a wave of sadness brushed over his featureless face. "Oh… why?" He said that but honestly, I still had no clue who this guy could be. My best guess was Josh since I was thinking about him before I passed out but still….. something about that voice; something in that voice…_

" _Why are you here?" I finally decided to quit waffling around; answers were required. "I'm here to help you….. always help you." "Are you….. my guardian angel?" My eyes grew. His grin returned and his head shook kindly. "No, we've met before; a long time ago. You used to dream about me all the time actually." "Really? Why?" "Because when we parted, you turned your attention to Josh." "What do you mean? I used to love Josh; he wasn't a replacement for anyone. He was my first real love; Lucas was just a childhood crush, but Josh was my first…." Right? The man watched me for a long moment before responding. "I'm here because I was first, Aerity. I was your first."_

 _My eyes widened in shock. "That's not possible; I literally have no memory of you whatsoever." He chuckled and unexpectedly held out his hand for me, keeping the rose in the other. "Forget everything for two minutes. Come, dance with me." "Dance?!" I gasped out loud. This seemed like a very weird thing for me to dream; even for me. But he didn't take "no" for an answer, taking hold of my hand and gently leading me out to the dance floor. Natasha's Waltz from War and Peace 1956 started playing from out of nowhere. Then seamlessly, naturally we began to waltz all around the ballroom. It sounds like a scene right out of a fairy tale but what can I say? I love classic literature._

 _This man, we stared at each other silently for the longest time as we danced. He was like no one I'd ever met before; the definition of charming and loveliness. Peter and Josh were wonderful too but there was something about him. He was like a prince one would read about in novels; practically European. And yet, the whole time I couldn't shake the feeling that I knew that voice from somewhere. From where, I still had no clue….. no idea. Neither of us said anything for the entire waltz; it really felt like there wasn't much to say. But near the end, we came to a pause and continued to watch each other with fixed eyes. Though I couldn't see it, I knew a warm, affectionate smile bloomed across his lips._

" _You always wanted to dance in France when we were younger." "I didn't know I could dance!" His grin widened. "We'll do it in person, someday." "We will?!" My eyes grew in disbelief. Just who was this guy exactly?! But I didn't ask; for some unexplainable reason, I didn't ask. I merely continued to gaze up at him while keeping his hand in mine. "Why here? Why now, of all times?" He took his time to answer, again. "You haven't dreamed of me in many years. It's been so long that you've forgotten my face. But I haven't forgotten you; I could never do that." This man….. "You…. you didn't answer my question," my voice was much softer, tender this time._

 _He smiled at me; he smiled….. "I've come because you need comfort, and you can't turn to your usual source of relief. I'm here because you need me….. you needed to remember me, even if for an hour." "W-what do you mean?" I was almost afraid to ask. "Your beautiful voice…." Instead of answering, he sighed. "All words sound supreme when you speak." Boy, did my cheeks blush. I'd heard romantic things before but this….. "Since the day I've met you, I've been your humble and faithful servant, Miss Covey," he suddenly lifted my hand up to his lips for a kiss. He… he kissed my hand! My eyes grew so large. Only one other guy had ever done that before…. I don't remember who, but I knew that someone had; only one. And he leaned in closer to me. Our eyes met for the last time. "Peter may be your Mr. Darcy, but I am your Andrei Bolkonsky. We will have our time together; not yet but soon….. soon." "Please…." I had to remind myself to breathe again and again. "Tell me your name. I need to know your name." "My name is Jo-…"_

"Aerity!" Kitty hollered up the stairs. My bedroom door was opened so her loud shrill came echoing in. My head shifted as I started to come to. I had fallen asleep on top of my covers; my hand had accidently dropped Josh's bracelet onto the floor. "Aerity! Are you up?! You gotta start baking! It's almost five!" Baking? I rubbed the rest of the sleep out of my eyes. Oh yeah! I was supposed to bake cupcakes…. My eyes opened slowly as I lowered my hand. I remember…

For some reason, I woke up feeling much better; like I was consoled, if that doesn't sound crazy. I knew I'd dreamt about someone; I didn't remember who, probably Peter or Josh. But for some unexplainable reason, I felt a ton better. Happy even. I didn't remember my dreams; I stopped remembering my dreams when I was ten. But I don't think that mattered. It wasn't a bad dream; I did know that. The important thing now was that I felt much better and could get on with my baking. The only thing that was odd however, was that I really wanted to watch Tolstoy's _War and Peace_ again. Huh, I hadn't thought about that book in years; I wonder what brought that up?


	22. Peter's Party Pickup

I was currently on my second batch of rainbow cupcakes and in the middle of humming Natasha's Waltz. The university here had a Women's Resource Centre; although I couldn't volunteer there because I don't live here full time, I still wanted to help out. They were having a sexual awareness week down on campus and I offered to help run the bake sale table in the sexual assault section. It was therapeutic for me to be around other survivors.

The mix was ready to be poured into the pan; or at least it was until there was a knock at the front door. Licking the batter off my fingers, I went to see whoever was interrupting my quote "baking" section. Imagine my surprise and delight to find none other than Peter standing there. He scanned me up and down, and grinned. "Hi." "Hi, Peter! Nice to see you." "Likewise. Um, am I interrupting something?" "Huh? Oh," I peered down at the batter all over my shirt. "No, I'm just baking. Come on in!" "Thanks," he didn't hesitate to follow me inside. "What are you baking?" "Cupcakes for the Women's Resource Centre's bake sale at the university." "Oh!" His eyes lit up. "I didn't know you volunteered there." "I don't, but my university doesn't have an equivalent centre, so I want to contribute as much as I can while here." "Why?" "Because feminism and support for all genders is important to me," I quickly answered, turning back to my bowl and pan. "I see," his head gave a slow, thoughtful nod. I'm not really sure if you knew what I meant but that didn't really matter at the moment.

"You know, it's easier if you make something that you can cut into squares, like brownies?" "Peter Kavinsky, your logic is horribly flawed," I shot a half-smirk up to him. He blinked surprised. "Think of it like this. There are two problems with brownies. First, they'll be an abundance of them because they are easy. And second, since there's lots of brownies, I'd have to make mine extra fancy for them to be bought. Now cupcakes on the other hand, will be lacking because they're more work. And really, if you choose between a brownie and a cupcake, when both cost the same, which would you pick?" Peter stared at me with large eyes for a moment before letting out a little chuckle. "Sometimes I forget how smart you are." "Oh no, you're smarter than me, Peter," I grinned up at him. "I sincerely doubt that." And we smiled at each other for the next minute or so.

I sucked in a deep breath and continued with my baking. "So, my dear fake boyfriend, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" "What? Did you not read my note? I'm taking you to Greg's party." "Taking me?" My eyebrow playfully rose. "Escorting; I'm escorting you to Greg's party tonight," he corrected with an amused eyeroll. "Oh! I'm sorry, Peter; I completely forgot. I don't think I can go tonight." "What are you talking about? Of course you can go; I can't go without my ahem, girlfriend. One- Gen will be there. And two- it would look really weird if I was there without you." "It wouldn't look weird, Peter. We're adults; no one cares anymore." "Come on, Covey; you have to come. What's the point in having a fake girlfriend if you don't go to important events like parties with me?"

"Go where now?" We both turned to see Daddy enter the kitchen; he was carrying grocery bags in his hands. "Is that Peter Kavinsky?" His eyes lit up at the sight of my dear "boyfriend". "Yes, sir," Peter mirrored his happy expression. "Peter Kavinsky! I haven't seen you in what, six-seven years? Look at you! You're all grown up!" "It's good to see you again, Dr. Covey," I watched as they shook hands firmly. "You can call me Dan, son." Son…. A smile unconsciously blossomed over my lips. Something about that sounded… nice. Very nice indeed.

"So what are you doing here, Peter? Come to call on Aerity?" Daddy winked at me, making me blush a tad. "Daddy!" "I'm just here to take…. I mean escort Aerity to a friend's party. Um, he goes to Princeton! And there'll be limited drinking and no drugs there, sir," he added in a flash, like he was almost worried my father would say no; cause you know, we're still teenagers who need to ask permission. My eyes rolled inwardly. Daddy however, seemed rather impressed; by the way he postured himself, I think he actually wanted Peter to continue. Peter took the cue and went on. "I won't drink a drop, and I'll definitely have her home early. Uh, is it alright if we go?" Heh, twenty-four years old and he's still asking my father if he can take me out for the evening….. this was a little offensive, but I won't lie, I also found it slightly enduring.

"Absolutely!" Daddy's hands went up into the air. "Go! Have fun! Be wild! Do it while you can; those years are coming to a close." "Thank you, Daddy, but I can't." "Why not?" "I have all these cupcakes to finish; the bake sale's tomorrow." "I think Kitty and I can handle some cupcakes," Daddy came over to my side. "Why don't you go have fun with your escort, Peter Kavinsky; get dressed, get changed- you look like a crazy lady." "Well….." My eyes shifted from him to Peter as I nibbled my lower lip thoughtfully. "Are you sure you don't mind? These really have to get baked." "Yes, sweetheart; we'll take care of it. Now you go get ready," my beloved father instructed. "Yes, Daddy," with a growing smile, I headed up the stairs and to my room. While on my way up, I heard Peter say to Daddy: "I promise to get her home safe and sound." And I could practically feel Daddy's smile from all the way over here. "I know."


	23. A Very Interesting Party

"I can't remember the last time I've been to a party." "Really? Don't get out in Edinburgh much, huh?" "I used to go out all the time. I think I spent more on food from the age nineteen to twenty-one than the rest of my whole life." Peter chuckled. "I hear that. So what happened?" I sucked in a deep breath with my eyes locked on my clasped hands on my lap. Don't think about it, Aerity; don't remember…. "I changed," I answered honestly; he didn't need any context right now- not before a party. "I became a very different person when I was twenty-two." "Oh…." This was followed by a brief but intense pause. Peter peered over to me from the corner of his eye. "Do you…. want to talk about it?" My head instantly shook. "No. I mean we will, someday. But now's not the time." Another pause. "Are you alright going to the party tonight, Covey? Is this…. going to be hard for you?" I looked at him and grinned lightly. "No, I'll be fine. So long as you're there, I'll be fine."

Peter's friend lived in a very big house; a mansion some might say. We arrived at the massive maple wood doorway and looked at each other. "Shall we?" Peter held out his arm in a gentleman fashion. Smiling, my arm wrapped around his. "We shall." And with that, we entered the house, going straight to the main party area. Now I wasn't lying when I said I hadn't been to a college party in years; I avoided them now like the plague. I would never, ever come to something like this. It sounds super old fashion and needy, but I needed an escort to go anywhere like here. Josh and Margot usually served as my companions out in society, but Peter was a lovely substitute. I didn't plan on leaving his sight for the whole night, or at least until I was more comfortable with the surroundings. If any suspicious men looked at me with the slightest hint of lust in their eyes….. Yeah, there's a reason I don't go to parties alone anymore.

Peter always held onto my arm or hand as we maneuvered our way through the crowd. He said hi to people I didn't recognize; I think one or two went to high school with us but I couldn't be sure. Peter only let go of my hand after a silent check back with me to see if I was alright with it. I nodded, his hand released mine, and he high-fived this other man I didn't know. "Hey, Kavinsky! Glad you could make it!" He chimed. "Me too! Happy birthday, man." I guess he was the host, I thought quietly staying in the background. It felt a little awkward in that moment to be honest. The only one I knew here so far was Peter, and he couldn't be glued to my side the whole night. Well, he could but I'd never ask him to do that.

After giving each other a "bro-hug", I mildly flinched in surprise to find them both turning to me. "Who's the babe?" The host asked. I immediately frowned. Babe? "This is Aerity Covey," Peter's hand touched my back protectively, but he was smiling merrily. "Aerity? Cool name. Where'd you find her?" "Excuse me?" My arms folded. I know I'm talking to Americans but did this guy have any semblance of class? "She's a friend from high school. She just got back from Edinburgh actually." "Ah, European," he grinned- a grin I didn't like. Maybe I was a little too cautious but still. "Very nice. She's fiiiiiiiiine, Peter; you lucky dog," he gave my fake-boyfriend a playful whack on the chest.

Seeing my disgusted and slightly disturbed expression, Peter intervened without looking like he was. "Here, why don't you go sit down?" He motioned to the couch where a bunch of girls were lounging. "I'll go get you something to drink." "Thanks, Peter," I grinned, a little pleased to get away from Mr. Host. "Nothing acholic," I quickly tacked on. "Virgin orange juice it is!" Snapping his fingers, Peter then disappeared off somewhere and I went over to the couch with the other women. They blinked over at me puzzled, I think.

"Hi," the black haired one finally greeted me. "Hi," I sat down on the couch beside hers. "I haven't seen you around before. Who are you?" Cutting straight to the chase, huh? "I'm….." "Aerity!" A welcomed voice snuck up behind me. Before I could look, two arms were wrapped tightly around my neck. "Ack! H-hi, Chris," I managed to choke out. "Peter said you'd be coming," she retracted her arms, hopping over the couch and landing beside me. "Peter Kavinsky?" The girl's eyebrow raised. "Isn't he here with Gen?" "Uh no," Chris answered for me, draping her arm over my shoulder. "Didn't you see her enter with Peter? Gen and Peter are history." "Oh," her eyes grew in surprise. I guess the news of the big "breakup" hadn't circulated around yet.

Feeling a tension rising, I opened my mouth to say something but was interrupted. "Here you go," Peter arrived, handing me a red plastic beer cup full of orange juice. I smiled at him. "Thank you." "No problem. Hey, Chris," he then nodded to her. "Hey, Kavinsky. You see my cousin yet?" "No, not yet. But I'm not actively looking." "Good," Chris's face turned to me as she smiled. Peter came over to sit on my other side, draping his arm over my shoulder casually. "So," I turned to him curiously. "How do you know Mr. Host?" "Oh, Paul? He's on Princeton's lacrosse team. We met at one of our games in first year." "I see," my head nodded, and he brushed some hairs behind my ear, smiling contently. "What?" I mirrored his pleasing expression. "Nothing, just admiring you." "Oh Peter," my cheeks sizzled a little. "I'm serious! Sometimes I'm just awestruck by your beauty."

"Ok, you two," Chris interrupted us before I could reply. "I get it- romance, lovey-dovey, 1930s French songs, and all that." "You say something over there, Chris?" Peter eyed her playfully from over me. She laughed. "Try not to look too happy. You'll make people jealous." "Oh yeah? Like who?" I was half expecting her to say "Josh" in that moment, but she motioned over to the other side of the room. We all looked to see a very stunned and fuming Gen standing behind the other couch. She eyes were throwing daggers right at us, or rather me. Chris's smirk grew while Peter's disappeared. As for me….. I thought for a second that she might cross the room and snatch him up. But she didn't; she just remained there for another minute before suddenly spinning around and stomping off in the other direction. Chris looked at me, then we both looked at Peter. He was still staring off to where Gen left. "Well, guess we have that to deal with now," he let out a small sign and we all nodded understandingly.

Despite the whole Gen incident, we still had fun that night. Peter played beer pong with his friends while Chris and I hung out. Very occasionally, my fake boyfriend would run over to check on us- or me- and see if we wanted anything; I didn't have to get up for a drink or food once. He'd return to his friends, keeping us in his line of sight; we'd wave at each other often. Meanwhile, Chris and I talked about everything under the sun- from school to past memories. We were in the middle of talking about Lush, of all things, when I realized that Peter had left the room. Huh, he must have gone to the bathroom or kitchen. He'd be back quickly I'm sure. But when Chris noticed his absence…

"Hey, where's Peter?" She scanned around the room. "I want him to grab me another coke." "He'll be back soon," I grinned, shaking my head softly. "You know, you could just go get your own drink." "Uh, hi? Do you notice anything else weird about the room either, Aerity?" Huh? I did a quick check around. "No? Why? What's wrong?" "Gen's missing too," Chris moved her head so to face me straight on. My eyes grew but I didn't say anything. What should I say? I trusted Peter; it was in the contract that he'd tell me if he spoke to Gen. But then again, we were in a sham relationship….. That's means that I have no right to pull Peter away from her if that's where he is. Still….. a weird, fizzling feeling started to rise up in my stomach.

This didn't stop me from blinking in surprise at Chris spontaneously get up. Her hand took hold of mine, yanking me up as well. "What are you doing?" I asked confused. "Come on, let's go find your boyfriend." "W-wait, Chris! This is unnecessary; Peter's probably in the bathroom. And even if he's not, we should leave him alone. He'll come back when he's ready." "Said no girlfriend ever," she shot me an unimpressed look. "Look, there's trust and then there's naivety. You can't just let him do whatever he wants." "Uh, that's exactly what I can do, and should do," I retorted like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I was Peter's fake girlfriend, not his warden. Chris gazed at me for a second before rolling her eyes. "Clearly, you're new to this whole dating thing." "Can't I be a feminist and ahem, girlfriend at the same time?" I asked as she pulled me out of the room. "Sure, you can; once we find your boyfriend."

I don't get why Chris was acting this way. Was she that worried that Peter and Gen were off somewhere? I guess she was cause once we reached the hallway, her feet came to an unexpected halt. She held me back, keeping me from walking further. "What?" I blinked to her startled. Chris didn't answer, instead pointing her gaze at the bathroom door. I looked to see none other than Peter and Gen come out together. Gen was smiling; Peter wasn't. In that very instant, I felt my stomach drop out of me. It felt like someone had punched me right in the gut, though I didn't know why. I knew that he still had feelings for her; he told me himself. I knew….. I knew…

Chris's head turned to me to reveal a concerned, slighted enraged face. "Do you want me to go over there?" Her voice was low but serious. "I….." My mouth opened but I was unable to finish my sentence. I knew that this might happen; would it be right to interrupt them? My eyes stayed glued on the two as they conversed quickly to each other. Peter didn't seem happy from where I was standing, but he didn't leave her side either. Why….. My eyes lowered on the pair. Why does this bother me? It shouldn't, should it? It's not like Peter and I are in a real relationship. Peter still loves Gen….. he still loves her….. "Aerity?" Chris blinked at me. My open mouth sucked in a long breath, but still no words came out. Should I be mad? Should I….? _"Look, I'm gonna level with you. I still like Gen; that's probably not going to change anytime soon."_ That's right, Peter's been honest with me this whole time; he told me upfront. I'm the one who still chose to get in this fake relationship despite that.

My mouth closed and I turned to face Chris with a sad, soft smile. "No, leave them alone." "No? What do you mean "no"? That's your man over there," she sounded slightly gobsmacked. My head shook gently. "No, I trust Peter." "You do?! After seeing that?" "I trust him to be honest with me. If he wants to get back with Gen, I'm sure he'll tell me; he's been transparent about his feelings so far." "You really….." my dear friend stared down at me in absolute astonishment. "You really don't mind?" "No. Peter's not my property; he has every right to choose whoever he wants to be with….. just like I do," my eyes scrolled down at the last part.

Chris observed me a brief moment before reaching over to pat my shoulder. This was followed by her pulling me in for a tight hug. While embracing me, she whispered into my ear: don't worry, I'm sure Peter will feel the same if you choose Josh. I pulled back to face her a tad puzzled. Where was this coming from? But she merely smiled at me; a soft, knowing smile. "You still carry his bracelet everywhere you go." "Of course, he's my best friend." "For now. You might see things differently when he returns next week."


	24. Equals

"And that's it. She came into the bathroom while I was in there; cornered me really. I won't lie, I wasn't exactly in a hurry to get out of there, but nothing happened!" Peter's hands shot up defensively. He didn't want to take me straight home after the party, especially once he learned that I saw him and Gen exit the bathroom together. He brought me to the same diner we talked that one time, eager to explain himself. I patiently let him run over the events, not interrupting or eating while he spoke, which I think he appreciated. "It's no big secret that she's not thrilled that we're dating. She's actually really jealous." I couldn't stop myself from grinning but still refrained from speaking.

"I'll be honest with you, Covey. I have mixed feelings on the whole thing. On the one hand, it's kinda sweet to have her jealous over me; not that she wasn't during our relationship. On the other hand, though…." My dearest fake boyfriend paused for a minute as his hand ran through his hair. His eyes wandered off into nowhere like he was contemplating deeply on the subject. "It doesn't feel as good as I thought it would. Something seems off about it… I don't know what but there's something." I watched him momentarily before finally smiling. My hand reached over to rest overtop his. "Take your time, Peter. You two just broke up a month ago; there're going to be some lingering, confusing feelings still around. No one's rushing you," I tried to sound as comforting as possible. Peter gazed up at me, though he was smiling. "Why are you so patient with all this? Doesn't Gen's jealously bug you?"

My hand retracted and I grabbed my oreo milkshake. My shoulder responded with a shrug. "Because I took some psychology courses and know how human emotions operate? You're still grieving your relationship, Peter. There's nothing wrong with that; it's perfectly natural actually. Hell, my sister and Josh had to leave the city to get over theirs in a healthy way. It'd be bad if I wasn't patient and didn't understand." And Peter grinned at me; he smiled….. "You have changed a lot since high school. There was a day me talking to Gen when we were together would have freaked you out." "I'm not a petty high schooler anymore. I've changed," I mirrored his slightly cocky expression. He waited for a minute before saying anything next, leaning back in his chair.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" "Shoot," I kept sucking down my delicious, artery-clogging beverage. "Why did you volunteer to work at the University's Women's Resource Centre's bake sale?" "Oh right! I almost forgot about that!" My fingers snapped. Better check in with Kitty and Daddy to make sure the cupcakes were actually finished. If not, I'd be up until four in the morning baking- ugh. But I redirected my attention back to Peter, who was expecting an answer.

"Well actually, I'm raising money at the sexual assault booth. All proceeds go to helping survivors and funding the centre." "Oh," Peter hesitated, almost afraid to ask his next question. He couldn't even look me in the eye. "W-why that booth exactly? Is there a reason…. or something?" I gazed up from milkshake to him; this question surprised but didn't shock me. I guess it was going to come up sooner or later. And once again, that tightness in my chest returned. Ok, breathe Aerity; breathe…. Just tell him what you're comfortable with. Only what you're ok disclosing in a public place like this. It's all up to you; all what you want to say.

My lips parted as I drew in a much-needed deep breath. My eyes lowered to my clenched hands now on my lap. "It's…. important to me. It's helps…. knowing that I'm helping others. Call it an act of solidarity." Peter stared at me with the largest eyes. He didn't respond right away, taking his time to digest what I'd just said. Eventually, I heard him breathe heavily. "Solidarity?" "That's right," my eyes lowered. It's nice to feel like I'm not the only one…..

Another pregnant pause. "W-will you tell me, Aerity?" "Not yet," I answered right away. No, I wasn't ready; not right now. "It's nothing personal, Peter. It's just very difficult for me to talk about." Yet another lull in the conversation. I almost flinched startled when Peter's hand suddenly stretched out to take hold of mine. His thumb gently ran over the skin as he stared down at our entwined hands. "You really got hurt, didn't you?" My head replied with a slow, pained nod. It was true; so true….

Peter's grip tightened on my hand- protectively, securely. He gave a little grunt before lightly shaking his own head, staring off into space. "It's a good thing I wasn't there. I would have killed him." "No… no, Peter. It doesn't work like that," I sighed. "Police get involved and it becomes this huge process….." My bottom lip began to quiver as I tried my best to keep myself from tearing up. "That's when I became a feminist; when I realized just how little help there was for me. It's easy for people, especially women, to dog on feminism…. but when something actually bad happens to a woman….." Before I realized it, tears were forming in my eyes' corners. I don't know why I kept talking but I did; I guess I felt comfortable enough to say this to him.

"That's why I'm volunteering at the bake sale; that's why I'm not ashamed to call myself a feminist. Because I want other women, as well as male survivors, to know that I understand and I'm there for them; just like me, they're not alone. We need more feminists in the world, because I've seen how far we still need to go… how much society doesn't value me as an equal yet." Peter didn't speak for a long time after this; he simply continued to hold my hand in his and stare off into nowhere. It was clear that he was obviously thinking about what I'd said, though he didn't know how to reply.

After what felt like an eternity, Peter's head gave a shake as his train of thought came to an end. Still holding tightly onto my hand, he looked me straight in the eye. Or well he did after his free hand tenderly lifted up my chin to make me face him. "Not all of society, not me," his voice was gentle and quiet. "I value as an equal. It never actually occurred to me that you wouldn't be. It just seems so natural and right….." "I know," I smiled through the tears. Peter looked at me and wiped away a teardrop on my left cheek. A sad, enlightened grin also rolled across his lips as we continued to stare at each other.

"You know," he finally broke the silence. "I think I'm a feminist." "You don't have to do that for me." "That's absolutely why I need to do it," Peter's head leaned in towards mine, softly pressing our foreheads together. "Anyone who doesn't value you as an equal has no business with me. You are equal; it's so obvious, I shouldn't even have to say it." "But you do," more tears rolled down my cheeks as my hand came up to wrap around his arm. "People will listen to you because you're a man." Just like they listened to Josh that one horrific night two years ago; his words weighed more than mine, even though I was the victim.

Peter waited, breathing deeply the whole time. "I'll listen to you, Aerity; I'll always listen to you. And when you need to speak up for you, I'll do that for you too." "Thank you, Peter….. thank you." We brought our heads apart so we could look at each other again. Peter smiled at me and I him; our hands were still holding onto each other. "You know," his beautiful voice spoke again, and I swore I could hear Pride and Prejudice scores playing in the distance. "I never thought about it before, but I don't think I could love someone who wasn't my equal. I want a partner, an equal….." "We're equals, Peter; all women and men are." "Yes," his voice was perfect in that moment. "I never thought otherwise." And then, with the upmost tenderness a human can possess, he leaned back over to kiss my forehead for the first time ever. While my eyes widened expressively, his shut; he closed his eyes.


	25. Josh's Return

My favorite song of all time is Plaisir d'Amour by Nana Mouskouri. My favorite genre is 1930s French love songs. Weird? Maybe, but there was just something about them. I discovered Edith Piaf and other such singers when I was in France; no surprise that the most romantic music in the world would come out of the most romantic country. Maybe I reason I love them so much is because deep down- deep, deep down- I was still a classic romantic. But forget those cheesy "love stories" I used to read in high school, and don't even mention Fifty Shades in my presence. No, I was Jane Austen and Leo Tolstoy all the way. I wanted my life to be a little less Twilight and a little more Pride and Prejudice, with my very own Mr. Darcy.

Mr. Darcy….. I rolled over to my side on my bed, now facing the wall. Kitty said I had two Mr. Darcys: Peter and Josh. My eyes scrolled over to one of the roses left from the two-dozen bouquet I received a month ago; it was nicely preserved in my room, hanging upside down by a piece of string. I couldn't bear to part with all of them; I needed to keep one, just one. My eyes gently shut as a faceless figure flashed through my mind. He was wearing a suit and holding a long-stem red rose in his hand. It was for the briefest of seconds, but I couldn't help but feel like I'd seen this image somewhere before. It looked like he was standing in Versailles of all places, in the Hall of Mirrors…..

My eyes slowly reopened as the image immediately faded from my mind. I couldn't see his face but I assumed it was supposed to be…. My lips parted a tad. Josh… Again, somehow without noticing, time passed by so quickly. The month went by so fast, I neglected to keep track of the days. I wonder why? Well, I knew actually; it was because I was spending so much time with Peter. He made the days blur together into one endless stretch, going far off into the distance. He did that, but…. My eyes lowered softly. What would it be like going forward? Time can't keep going like this, can it? Sooner or later, it has to slow down, doesn't it? It must, and it will when….

I rolled onto my back to stare up at the roof; no, I didn't want to finish that thought. Why do I feel uneasy like this? He's only been gone a month. A part of me- an undeniable part- can't wait to see him again. But another part of me… Why? Why am I feeling anxious to see Josh again? Am I that afraid things have changed? Do I feel guilty that I've been so happy this month without him here? The back of my hand rose to rest on my forehead. Or really….. am I actually afraid to see him again, knowing that there's the possibility that I might have feelings for him? Would I rather go on not knowing like this? It's definitely easier, especially considering the situation with Peter. But then, it's not like that was a real relationship either. Ugh! When did this all get so confusing?! I was so easy romance-wise for six straight years and then all of a sudden- Blam! Big pile of hot, steaming confusion.

What am I going to say when I see Josh again? When I hear his voice? My heart skipped a beat at the very thought. I'm going to have to tell him about me and Peter, obviously. But is that all? I guess I'm going to have to explain the letter he received too…. He's probably going to want to know how I feel now. The only problem is that I don't know how I feel, and…. and I'm scared. What if I see him and sparks suddenly go flying? What if I see him and feel nothing? That made my stomach lurch. Somehow the latter almost seemed worse. I had feelings for Peter; that was pretty apparent to me by now. But a part of me- a considerable portion of my heart- was still tied to Josh. What just reminded now was to find out if that was a platonic or romantic part of my heart?

"The joys of love are but a moment long," I quietly sang to myself as I turned back to my side. "The pain of love endures the whole life long…" Josh….. I first heard this song when we were in France together; you, me, and Margot. It was always the three of us; we went everywhere together. That's how I thought it would always be… that's how I wanted it to be. "Your eyes kissed mine, I saw the love in them shine." Why? Why did things have to be so different now? Why couldn't have everything just stayed the way it was? I know I'm too old to be thinking like that, but I couldn't help it. I didn't know how I loved Josh, besides being my best friend, and I was terrified of ruining absolutely everything again. "You brought me heaven right there when your eyes kissed mine."

In that moment, something lightly tapped my window. I lifted my upper body up to look, only to see darkness. But then, to my surprise another tap followed. Slowly, I got off my bed and made my way over to the window. _The joys of love are but a moment long_. My hand unlocked it, pushing it open. _The pain of love endures the whole life long_. Looking out, I first scanned around at eye level, then looked down. My eyes widened as my heart started to instantly flutter; it was beating so hard that I worried it might fly out of my chest.

It was Josh! He was standing silently below my windowsill, smiling brilliantly up at me. The next few seconds were kind of a blur. Like a sign out of a movie, I found myself racing downstairs before I even knew I was moving. After our first month apart in six full years, I wasn't expecting to feel like this. I didn't know how I was feeling in that moment. All I knew is that I needed to be where he was. One look and I needed to go to him. Within seconds, the front door burst open and without even time to examine each other, I was in Josh's arms. He held me so tight- so tight.

Neither of us said anything for a long time, just simply standing there holding one another in the streetlamp light. Words cannot describe how good it felt to be in his embrace once again. So warm, so secure….. I could practically feel Josh shut his eyes as our cheeks rubbed together. We were like that for a while, but it didn't seem longer than a few seconds. Josh just kept his strong arms wrapped around me as we gently swayed back and forth a little. Josh! My own eyes pressed shut, soaking up the experience in totality. Josh, you've come back! _Your eyes kissed mine, I saw the love in them shine_. "I'm sorry," he finally broke the silence some time later, still holding onto me closely, attentively "I'm so sorry, Aerity." I didn't say anything back, just burying my face into his shoulder. _You brought me heaven right there when your eyes kissed mine_.

I didn't realize at the time what I was doing, but I would later. Oh boy, would I. It would all happen when I looked at Peter and….


	26. In the Moonlight

Josh and I sat on my front porch in the moonlight. It was ten thirty at night but who cares. We're adults; we can stay out as long as we want, provided we're in a safe location. We didn't say much thus far after that extensive embrace. Though I did notice Josh keep peering over at me from the corner of his eye; his smile kept growing each time. I think he was happy to be back; I certainly was. All that fear, all that anxiety I had before seemed to just vanish into thin air. I just felt so happy, calmly happy at the moment.

I don't know what the cue was, but after some time we looked at each other in unison; we looked and smiled. "It's good to see you again, Aerity." "Likewise, I missed you so much," I heard my mouth say without my brain's permission; not that it wasn't true. This caused a pleased little grin to curl in the right corner of his mouth, which he hid with his hand. Then he reached beside him to pull out a little gift bag I hadn't noticed before.

"Uh, here. I brought you something from the coast." "Thank you," I took the bag, immediately opening it. Inside were two Lush products: a Rosy Cheeks facemask and Handy Gurugu hand lotion. I glanced up to Josh in delighted surprise, which I guess he took as his cue to explain himself. "Well, I know how much you love their facemasks and you wear more hand cream than anyone else I know." "Josh," my grin widened as I set the bag down on my lap. "It's perfect. You know me so well." "I'd like to think I know you better than anyone." This, for some reason, made my grin begin to fade. He spoke with such sincerity and knowing our history, I was inclined to believe him; though I don't know how that made me feel exactly. Not bad but….

The fastest moment of silence passed before Josh's head turned forward and his hands clasped out in front of him. "I guess…. you'd like an explanation." "It would be nice," I admitted. "I'm sorry, Aerity; you have no idea. I didn't mean to…. well, I suppose I did considering that I did, but I didn't want to cut contact with you. It's just…. my mind was in such a weird place at the time. Do you know….. did you send me that letter you wrote back in ninth grade?" "I guess that deserves an explanation too," I let out a long sigh. "No, I didn't send the letters out; I don't know who did. I didn't even have the address to where you were staying. It's really bizarre now that I'm saying it out loud…" Hey yeah, that's right. Neither Kitty nor I had Josh's temporary address, and Daddy would never do something like that. It couldn't have been Margot because she wasn't in the country. Huh….. that's the oddest thing.

Josh waited patiently for me to continue, which I did seconds later. "Josh, you gotta understand that I wrote that letter in the ninth grade. I never meant to send it…. even though I put them in addressed envelops." Logic actually dictates otherwise. "Regardless, I am so so sorry if it made things harder or more complicated for you," my eyes scrolled over to him. "I know you went away to get over Margot in a healthy way, and I fully respected and supposed that decision. Granted, I was…. flattered by the flowers; I really was and thank you. That was so sweet." I didn't notice Josh blink in confusion at me. "What flowers?" Not that I heard that either; I was too wrapped up in my apology.

"I didn't mean for this to happen, and especially not at a time like this. I couldn't live with myself if you thought that I sent that letter on purpose," I looked him straight in the eye. "I would never do a thing like that; not to you." Josh observed me for a long moment until his head gave an unconscious nod. "I know…. I know you wouldn't do something like that. I knew that it must have been a mistake of some kind but….." Again, his eyes rolled out into nowhere thoughtfully. "When I read your letter…. I'm not gonna lie, it was really hard. I was so confused and still missing Margot like crazy…. I mean… I guess what I'm trying to say is that the reason I didn't call or text you is because I was so confused and hurt. I needed some time away from everyone and everything where I could just think; think and heal."

My head also instinctively nodded as my eyes began to drift off thoughtfully as well. "I understand that. It must have been a really hard time for you; I can see why you wanted some quiet time to yourself to think." A lull in the conversation followed. Josh's gaze eventually made its way back over to me. "I still have it….." "What?" I blinked over puzzled. "Your letter; I kept it." "Really?" I don't know why this surprised me so much; it should be obvious that he kept it, shouldn't it? The faintest grin started to bloom across his lips, as if to be remembering something pleasant. "I actually really like it; even back in junior high, you were so poetic." "Haha, I've gotten better in later years I hope."

"I didn't… I didn't even look at your letter again after I received it; not for a couple of weeks. But then I re-read it- I'm not really sure why. Then I re-read it a third time, then a fourth. I was reading it almost every day in the last week before I came home." This caught my undivided attention, though I didn't dare interrupt him. I simply stared at him with the widest eyes. His were off into space again as he chuckled to himself softly. "It's funny…. I had no idea you felt that way. I thought you always just saw me as a friend; a best friend of course, but still. You were always so supportive of Margot's and my relationship." "You were happy," I answered; short, sweet, and to the point. And honest- can't forget honesty.

Josh's lips parted a tad as he sucked in a deep, deep breath. "What about now?" "Huh?" "How… how do you feel now? A-about me, I mean?" "Josh," my eyes grew more, if that were even possible. W-why was he asking me this now? "Do you….?" His piercing stare met mine. "Do you still feel the same? Even a little bit?" "Josh, I….." What should I say? My hand instantly rose up to my pounding chest. I should be honest….. I should tell him the truth…. But what is the truth? I don't know….. I don't…..

"I don't know," I blurted out, like an utter moron. Of course I flinched in surprise at the own words coming out of my mouth. Well, at least it was honest. Josh looked hard at me for a second. "You're not sure?" "W-well, the truth Josh that…. no, I'm not sure. I don't know how I feel about anyone at the moment. I'm just so confused." "Hey, hey, it's ok," his broad hand stretched over to land securely on my shoulder. "You don't have to decide anything tonight. You can time your time with this…. we can take our time." We? We…..

In that very instant, Peter's face zoomed through my mind. That's right, Peter! I still have to tell him about…. oh boy. "Um, t-there's something I have to tell you, Josh." "Ok?" "Uh….. erm…. uh," my hands kept fiddling on my lap nervously. Josh noticed of course; a hint of worry tinted his expression. "It's ok, Aerity. Take your time; you can tell me anything." "I know…." I knew that better than anyone, and it didn't make the situation easier. Ok! I summoned up all the courage I had in my twenty-four-year-old body. Here it goes!

"Do you…. remember I texted you about Peter Kavinsky?" "Kavinsky?" Josh looked as if he was trying to recall the conversation. "You mean that guy we went to high school with? The dick you ran into at the mall?" Uh oh; this wasn't a good sign. "Uh, yes. Um, you see, while you were gone, we sort of reconnected." "Reconnected?" His eyebrow rose suspiciously. "Did that jerk try and talk to you?!" His voice was immediately filled with panic. "We met at the diner and just sorta…. started talking. Actually, to be honest….. I kind of… wrote him a letter too." "You did?" Oh man, how his eyes widened. "It was back in high school before he started dating Gen. Naturally, he was…. also really confused. He wanted to find me and tell me that he was currently dealing with his lingering feelings for Gen and that it would never happen between us."

"Oh," Josh sounded super, super relieved, making me glance up to him. "Well, that's not too bad. As long as he was polite about it; or as polite as someone like him can be. Either way, it could have been worse." Worse? Like what? Him actually asking me out on a date? Speaking of which…. "Um, that's not the end of the story….." I bit my lower lip apprehensively. "W-what do you mean?" Josh's expression immediately firmed up into a series of worried lines and wrinkles. "He recently broke up with Gen and….. well, like you he's having a hard time getting over her. Plus, she's apparently not making it easy for him either. She doesn't respect his decision like you respected Margot's."

"What does that have to do with you?" "Well…" Oh god, I hate this. I knew this moment was coming and I dreaded it now more than ever. "We sort of got into a fake relationship to get Gen off his back," I winced my eyes shut while I said this; I couldn't bear to see the horror on Josh's face. "Aerity!" "It's not a real relationship! It's not like that!" "How could you do that?!" Obviously, Josh didn't care if it was real or not. "You hate playing games with other people! That's not who you are." "I know…. I know. Well, technically we're a couple but nothing serious or concrete!" My hands shot up defensively. "We're just…. courting; that's all."

Josh gave me a look like he didn't know what to do or think. He just kept staring at me with those large brown eyes of his. The silent was almost unbearable; I was thankful when he chose to break it, regardless of what he would say. "You're not…. in love with him still, are you?" "No…." I mean, I don't think I am. I definitely have feeling for Peter but that wasn't the same as love…. he was still into Gen, after all. Josh nodded, giving off a relieved aura once again. "And you're just courting; not officially dating?" "Yes, though I doubt any Americans would know the difference."

"Ok," Josh nodded his head affirmably. "Ok what?" "You can stop courting him now." "What?!" This caught me off guard. I knew he wouldn't be happy, but this was totally not his decision. Still, he was firmed-faced as always. "Why would you continue? I'm back; I'm here now." "That's not the point! Peter and I have become good friends while you were away. And might I add that you were the one who left." "You supported that decision!" "I didn't expect you not to text or call me for three weeks!" I retorted loudly. "And yes, I know why you did, and I understand. But my life kept moving here, Josh. I missed you; I missed you like crazy, but Peter helped the time pass." A little too quickly, if I'm honest.

"You don't get it, Aerity. A guy like Peter doesn't deserve you. He dated Gen for eight years; it's not a fair playing field." "You dated Margot for two years," I countered. "With you at our side! Don't forget, Peter chose Gen over you at the end of high school." "That's not really fair. He… wanted to contact me but I told my family not to give him my address or phone number." That was a really dumb, petty move that I think about it. "Aerity….." Josh sighed.

Neither of us spoke for a while after this; I think we both were feeling pretty bad at the moment. We must have been, considering that we kept our eyes locked onto the ground. Eventually however, I was the one who talked next. Despite everything, nothing could erase the happiness that his returning brought me. "Josh, I did… really miss you. Time passed quickly; I won't deny that, but… I did notice that you weren't here." "Aerity." "So, did you…. did you manage to get over Margot? Properly, I mean?" "Yeah," he sighed intently. "It was one of the hardest months of my life. And I won't lie, I still feel something for her….. I still love her in this weird, detached way." "I'm not surprised," my eyes lowered softly.

"But Aerity….." His gentle voice made me gaze up at him again. "I should tell you that… hearing that you might still have feelings for me….. I'm happy; so, so happy." "Josh?" "It's a two-way street, you know. You feel like I've always been there for you, but really, you've always been there for me too. Whenever I'm with you… I feel so calm and content. That's why I wanted to see you first when I got home." Oh Josh….. my eyes began to feel a little heavy. I think I was realizing the gravity of the words he was saying. "You don't… love Peter, but you don't know how you feel about me," Josh's own eyes lowered a bit. "Josh, I must be honest with you. I do…. feel something for Peter." "But you also feel something for me too, right? That's why you didn't say "no" to me just now." My mouth opened but no words came out. Oh my god, he was right. The memory of our foreheads pressed together at the bus station passed through my head. He was so right…

"Aerity," Josh's hand rose to brush some stray hands behind my ear. "Josh….." "All this time I've wanted to see you, to be there for you." "You've always been there for me, Josh. That never changed," I grinned softly. "Even if you and Peter have become "friends" over the past month, nothing could ever break our bond. You are my one true best friend." "Yes, I am….." He was…. He's always been my best friend these past six years. His head came forward to rest against mine tenderly. "I could care less about Peter, but please…. please let me stay. Let's see where our feelings take us, ok?" Josh… Somehow I had a feeling that Peter wouldn't take kindly to this but I couldn't just leave Josh like that. Not after everything we've been through and my potential love for him….. "Ok."


	27. Face Masks and a Ton of Stress

Ring, ring; no answer. "Hey, you've reached Peter. Make it short." My eyes rolled; that's so him. Beep! "Uh, hey Peter. I was wondering if you could give me a call back. There's something I need to talk to you about. Thanks." Sighing, I hung up and let my phone fall onto the couch. Kitty was lounging on it, watching Lizzie McGuire episodes. "This is dumb," she stuffed some more popcorn pieces in her mouth. "What kind of thirteen-year-old doesn't wear a bra?" "The early 2000s were a different time." "Clearly, no one has smartphones or FaceBook. Hey, by the way, did you get through to Peter?" "No," I slunk down onto the couch in exhaustion. "He's probably out with his guy friends, or with his little brother." One thing I loved about Peter was that he wasn't constantly on his phone; quite like me in that regard. But it did make it hard to contact him when he was busy.

"Man," Kitty laughed, a little too pleased at the situation. "Peter's gonna be so jealous! Oh," yet more popcorn stuffed-into-mouth. "I can't wait." "Glad this is so amusing to you," I frowned. "It is! It's like Mr. Darcy vs. Mr. Darcy. Two hot, rich guys fighting for your hand; or at least to hold it." "No one's fighting. I clarified with Peter that he had to be ok with my friendship with Josh from the beginning. He said that he would." "Yeah, uh huh; sure. One look at you and Josh, and he'll get so jelly!" "No, he won't. There's nothing to be jealous about. Josh is my best friend." "Uh, hello? What color is the sky in your world, sis? Anyone can see that you're totally in love with Josh."

"Would you stop saying that?" My frown grew. "I never said I was in love with Josh….. well yes, I am, but as a friend! If more, different feelings develop, I'll let you know." "Suuuuuuuure. Is that why you're going to the track field with Josh tomorrow? So you can see if you've "developed feelings"?" Her fingers did quotations in the air for emphasis. "No; Josh and I are still best friends. It's only natural that we spend time together. Besides, I miss running with him." "Don't get me wrong, sis," Kitty playfully tossed a piece of popcorn at me. "Peter's a cool guy but I'm still team Josh. All you need to do now is hurry up and realize your feelings for him."

That girl! Since when did people start to divide on the "team Josh" and "team Peter" camp? There were no camps! What Kitty and everyone seem to forget is that neither guy has formally asked me out or confessed their feelings to me yet. Sure, Peter and Josh look like they like me- maybe- but they both just got out of long-term relationships. Peter was still hung up on Gen and Josh on Margot. All the emphasis was put on me and my feelings, without theirs being expressly conveyed. Ugh! That's not fair! Why is it all up to me? Josh told me last night to take my time with things, and Peter said he'd back off if I chose Josh. But the one thing everyone neglects to remember is that Peter and I are in a fake relationship! Peter himself was the one who said it'd be fake, remember?! And Josh; it feels like he's got me on reserve because we're best friends. What is the point of this inner monolog vent? There are no teams! One of them would have to say that they liked me for people to even start a team.

Thinking about it only made me madder. I got up and was on my way to the kitchen when Kitty turned back to me. "Where are you going? Lizzie was just about to go shopping for her first bra with Miranda." "I'm going to put on a face mask." I need to de-stress. "Oooooooh, is that the one that Josh got you?" "Not now, Kitty!" My feet stomped into the kitchen where Daddy was pouring himself a cup of orange juice. He glanced up to me and grinned.

"Hey sweetie. Everything ok?" "Yeah, I'm just a little….." Just a little everything right now. Peter wasn't answering his phone and Josh wanted to hang out as soon as possible- aka tomorrow at the track. It's not that I didn't want to see Josh; of course I did! But it's just… Ugh! I need to talk to Peter about this. I'll feel much better after the air is clear between us and I can hang out with Josh guilt-free. But…. what I thought earlier still applies. It's not like Peter had any "boyfriend" rights to get jealous over me hanging with Josh…. does he? You know, on second thought, maybe the one I really should to talk to is Lucas. He'd know what I should do; he always gave such brilliant relationship advice.

"Oh, guess who I ran into today?" Apparently unable to detect that I was in the middle of a thought, Daddy broke said train of thought. "Claire Ambrose. You remember her?" "Who?" "She used to live on the other side of the neighbourhood, remember? Her sister, brother-in-law, and two nephews lived there as well." "Oh….." Nope, doesn't ring any bells but I really wanted that face mask, so I didn't ask any questions. "Yeah, you used to spend a lot of time at their house when you were little." "I don't remember any of that," I shrugged. I'm not overly surprised I didn't remember; she's probably one of Daddy's old work friends or something.

"Her sister moved back to England; they're living in Derbyshire." "Derbyshire?" My eyebrow raised. "The same Derbyshire from Pride and Prejudice?" "Yeah? Don't you remember? The youngest boy used to read you _Pride and Prejudice_ in the botanic garden." "Really?" No, still nothing. How old was I?! And who reads Jane Austen to a child? Well ok, that's actually pretty amazing but still- weirdo. How old was he? Like a teenager or something? Was he like my babysitter?

"No, I don't recall any of that." "Well, Claire said that the boys be returning for a visit in August." Why would I care about that? I don't even remember these people. But I grinned to be polite and gently nodded my head. "That's nice. Are you going to go visit them?" "I was actually wondering if you wanted to. I thought you'd be really excited." "Sorry, Daddy; I literally have no memory of them." Probably because reading Pride and Prejudice would have put me to sleep as a child.

Daddy's head gave a shake as he put the cap on the orange juice container and set it back in the fridge. "Well, I'm going to go see them when they get back. You're welcome to join me if you want." "Thanks, but I'm good." I think it would just be more awkward than anything. Daddy didn't seem satisfied with my answer though, for some unexplainable reason. "Really, Aerity?" His hands planted on the edge of the island counter. "You and the boy were so, so close." "But I don't remember anyone." Just like my goldfish, I was likely too young to remember. Wait, goldfish?

"Fine," Daddy eventually sighed. "I guess it's not your fault. But if you change your mind….." "Aerity, come quick! It's the "Mr. Dig comes to dinner" episode!" "Coming!" My holler echoed back to the living room. "I'm going to put my mask on," I then told my father. "You mean that gunk you say helps your facial skin?" This made me laugh as I went to leave the room. "Ha! You're funny." And I walked to the bathroom with my Rosy Cheeks face mask in hand, humming Natasha's theme from War and Peace again.


	28. A Bookshop In Paris

_This was all of our first time in Paris. I really wanted to visit Versailles and the famous Cimetière du Père Lachaise. But Margot insisted that she and Josh go to the Modern Art museum. Yawn; why would you go there when the Louvre was within walking distance? If you know Margot though, she was adamant on her decision. I was twenty at the time, meaning that this was before I became afraid of being on my own in such a place. This also meant that I could explore Paris alone for as long as I wanted; oh, how that makes me cringe now._

 _We were sitting at a café on the Seine somewhere near Shakespeare and Company; you could see Notre Dame on the other side of the river. I'll admit, I wasn't super happy with Margot at the moment. She likely wasn't too impressed with me either. "I don't want to spend all day tomorrow at a cemetery, Aerity." "It's not just "a cemetery"! It's Cimetière du Père Lachaise." "Whatever. Look, Josh and I are going to the Modern Art Museum this afternoon. You can come with us, or you can go to Versailles." "Hey, I want to go to Versailles too," Josh interjected after finishing off his cappuccino. "Fine," Margot's eyes rolled. "We'll do Versailles on Friday. You do your cemetery thing tomorrow while we explore different Parisian cafes." "Fiiiiiiiiiiine. I guess I'll just wander around the city for the rest of the day," my arms folded defiantly, and I glared away._

" _Alright," seemingly satisfied with this, Margot stood up from her chair. "We'll meet back in front of Notre Dame at six." "Ok," I let out an immature huff. "Good. See you later, little sis. Be careful." "I will," my eyes rolled. "Come on, Josh," she led the way down the street in an irritating fashion. I watched her go annoyed myself until Josh got up; he gazed down at me with soft, consoling eyes. "We'll go to Versailles on Friday, promise," his voice was as kind as possible. I grinned up at him. "Ok, for you, I can wait." "Thanks, Aerity," he mirrored my expression. "Have a good time this afternoon, ok? I'd hate to think you were miserable in Paris." "Haha, as if. Thank you, Josh; I'll see you at six." "See you," with one last smile, he ran to catch up with my sister. Once I was alone, I let out a long sign, dangling my arms out at my side. My head rolled up in such a way that I was facing the sky._

 _With nothing better to do, I spent the afternoon wandering around the city. This was before I really got into history, literature, or anything with class. Man, how times changes. But I did still like reading; my literary tastes wouldn't change until I was almost twenty-three, but I still enjoyed a good book back then. At about two o'clock in the afternoon, I made my way over to Shakespeare and Company. I was too inexperienced to know who Hemingway was- like really was- in my youth. The reason why I say this is because that bookshop is where Hemingway actually stayed and wrote. I didn't realize the gravity or importance of the place I was entering; now it is deeply revered by me._

 _It wasn't busy but there were enough people around. Another interesting fact about this store is it's stocked all with English books. Good thing too cause my French sucks; that's one thing that hasn't changed. I went upstairs to where the fiction was. The romance section was beside a window overlooking the Seine. While scanning over the surprisingly small selection, my eyes couldn't help but wander outside._

 _In that moment, I distinctly remember a song I'd never heard before starting playing on the poor-quality speakers. It was called Plaisir d'Amour; this version by a singer named Rina Ketty. It sounded old, really old…. but also very pretty. While listening passively, I gazed out of the window down at the pedestrians on the street. I noticed a young couple- maybe around my age- embrace each other under a skinny tree. They smiled at each other and kissed, both closing their eyes._

 _My heart lurched as my lips drooped into a depressed frown. They sure looked in love and the music wasn't helping anything. All I could think about in that moment was Peter. It'd been a whole year since we last spoke and I still thought about him all the time. Even here, all the way across the world- there he was, lingering somewhere inside of me. This isn't fair! We never even kissed… Why do I have to think of him at the most inopportune times? I'm in Paris, in Shakespeare and Company for pete's sake! I should be happy; I shouldn't miss some jerk who picked Gen over me. How was that fair to myself?_

 _The couple's lips pulled apart and they stared into each other's eyes with the luckiest look on their faces. This was too much for me. I had to yank my eyes away, turning back to the romance bookshelf. Ugh, I had to choose this section of all books. Refusing to peer out the window again, I decided what the hell and scanned over the titles. Some I knew, some were completely foreign to me. Nothing really caught my attention until I reached the bottom shelf. It had a note taped on it: Classics in next room. Classics? My eyebrow rose curiously. Huh, I don't think I've ever read anything like that before; at least not in my free time. I did have to read Shakespeare in high school- heh, irony. But still, I was a little curious. None of these books caught my fancy so maybe they'd have something. Anything to get my mind off you-know-who._

 _I went into the next room, only to find it empty. There was a bare fireplace and a very old red leather armchair. It smelt strongly like old books, I remember that. I really liked that scent; something that never left me. The music was louder in this room, coming from a small black speaker resting on the fireplace sill. That was also the first time I paid attention to the lyrics, not just the melody. And I remember falling instantly in love with the song this time around._

The joys of love are but a moment long _. So true, I thought as I began to mull over the many titles. All the books in here were, or at least looked super old. And they all smelt so good! Yes, I know I'm weird; I can't help it._ The pain of love endures the whole life long _. Even more true! Peter's face popped up in my mindset again. I had to shake it out. No! No, I'm not going to think of him; I'm not going to let his memory and my lingering love for him ruin my first trip to Paris. I just need to get my mind on something else; yeah, that's it. I need to find something to read. Something good, something comforting, something I'll love…._

 _My eyes suddenly stopped on a title that I did recognize. Huh, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Ponderingly, my hand reached out to grab it. This felt familiar for some reason….._ Your eyes kissed mine, I saw the love in them shine _. Course I'd seen the movie and the 1995 adaptation. I knew the basic story but…. I couldn't put my finger on it but something about this book felt….. unique, special to me. My lips opened a sliver as I stared down at the cover. Sure was a big book; it would take me a while to finish this. My eyes lowered a tad as I continued to observe it enduringly. Something about this book…._ You brought me heaven right there when your eyes kissed mine _. Something about this book made me want to read it. It's so long that it would definitely take my mind off….._

" _Oh no! No, stop it, Aerity!" I scolded myself, giving the side of my head a sharp whack. "Don't think about him; don't even remember his name!" With my head now hurting, I made the swift decision to buy the book. I got through the first third in my twentieth year; I actually managed to read the whole thing when I was twenty-three years old. I don't know why but that book- that and War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy- brought me into a whole new literary world. Everything changed after reading them; my tastes in music, movies, plays, and especially books. For some unknown reason, I was possessed that day to buy Pride and Prejudice, and I haven't parted with it since. Still, I could never figure out what made me buy it in the first place…._

"Aerity? Earth to Aerity. Hey, are you listening to me?" My eyes opened to see Kitty standing over me from behind the couch. She was bent in such a way that our faces were staring at each other. "Huh? What?" I had to blink a couple of times to regain my bearings. "It's been fifteen minutes. You can take the face mask off now." "What? Oh! Oh, right," I'd completely forgotten that I was waiting for my mask to settle in. Of course this was cause for a mad dash to the bathroom down the hall.

"What's with you? Were you falling asleep or something?" Kitty asked me as she set on yet another Lizzie McGuire episode. "No, I was just remembering something," I said, wiping my mask off. "What?" "The first time I went to Paris." "Oh," it sounded like she immediately lost interest, turning her attention back to the tv. "Which episode do you want to watch? The Longest Yard or Lizzie's Eleven?" "Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to watch Pride and Prejudice?" "Didn't we just see that with Peter two weeks ago?" "Yes, but we could watch the 1995 adaptation?" I offered hopefully.

"Mmmmmmm, I don't really like that one; too slow. Pick something else." "How about War and Peace?" I asked as I emerged from the bathroom clear-faced. Man, my skin feels so soft! I'll have to thank Josh again tomorrow. Kitty meanwhile, didn't look happy with my pick of movie. "Why do you only like old, boring movies? Well, them and cartoons." "They're not boring; they're really romantic." "Yeah, if you only like talking," she rebuffed in an unconvinced tone. "Seriously, would it kill them to have at least held hands back in the olden days?" "Conversation can be the most romantic thing, Kitty." "If you lived in Shakespeare's time, maybe," her eyes shot me a glare. My own eyes gave a roll as I sat back on the couch and stared at the tv.

Conversation can be the most romantic thing….. Those words rang over and over in my head like a song. Words can be more romantic than kisses or physical affection; this was something I knew. _"You smell like flowers….. you smell like flowers."_ This was something I certainly knew.


	29. She Makes Me Softer

[Lucas: Just be honest with both of them. Sooner or later 1 of them will let u know what's up; u don't have stress over choosing 1 of the other, especially since they haven't told u that they loved u yet…. they haven't, have they?] [Me: No, the exact opposite in fact. They've both told me that they still had a thing 4 someone else; I feel just like extra-girl right now] I had been texting my adored Lucas under the bleachers at the field. As predicted, he was more than a little helpful with my current stress level. In fact, he didn't see why I should be stressed at all; it's not like Josh and Peter were actually competing for my affections or anything.

[Lucas: Then use that 2 ur advantage; just continue hanging out with them like u did before. Something will happen eventually. But I must say that I've been hanging with Peter a lot lately and he sure sounds like he likes u] My eyes lowered a bit as I scanned over the text several times. [Me: Why makes u say that?] [Lucas: Well he never shuts up about u, 4 1 thing; not that it's a bad thing!] [Me: Haha, thanks Lucas. I'll keep u in the loop and follow ur advice; I'll just be honest with both of them about my feelings. If I fall in love with 1, I'll tell them; and if I friend-zone 1, I'll tell them that 2] [Lucas: That's my girl! No 1 can blame u if ur honest and straight forward with them (man, I wish more guys were like u)] This made me smile. [Me: Awe! And I wish more men were like u; ur something wonderful, my fair Lucas] [Lucas: Thanks, cutie We still on 4 War and Peace this weekend? I love that movie!] [Me: Me 2! Of course we r; no 1 will watch it with us] [Lucas: Ha, truth! Have a good run with Josh] [Me: I will, thank u]

Turning my screen off, I held my phone up against my chest. Lucas…. I knew going to him was the right thing to do. He always made me feel better- always. Our conversation ended around twelve thirty; half an hour before Josh and I were supposed to meet at the track. For some reason, Peter still wasn't answering his texts or calls. Gees! It goes from one to the other. But I decided to take a page from Lucas's book and not let it bother me; I'd use it to my advantage instead. If Peter was busy- too busy to tell me what he was up to- then I'd just spend more time with Josh, Chris, and Lucas. I loved them all so much and had to make sure that they knew it; I didn't want them to feel neglected either.

I was contemplating getting up and heading over to the track now. This plan, or rather thought, was interrupted by the sound of some people walking on the bleachers above me. Now you might ask yourself what I was doing under there in the first place; that's a fair question. It was a familiar setting to me in this city. Back in high school, Gen and I would spend hours under the school bleachers; hiding from gym class and finding some privacy to talk about ahem, personal issues. Periods are fun for no one in their teenage years. And I know, I should hate bleachers after what happened with Gen and I….. but I don't. This is one good memory and sensation I carried with me from high school. Plus, bleachers are hard to come by in Edinburgh, so I got to sit under them while I can.

The pair- it sounded like two pairs of shoes- above me didn't seem to notice my presence, which is fine; it happened all the time in high school. Having zero interest in their conversation, I was still planning on leaving until… "I don't know, Peter. It's like you don't have time for me anymore." What the…..? I gazed up, only to steel bars and plastic seat covers. That sounds like Gen…. and she's speaking to Peter! "Literally all you do is hang out with her." Her? Does she mean me? Well, who else could she mean?

"Uh, yeah? Cause we're dating?" Peter voice fell down to my ears in the first time in two days. Courting, I inwardly cringed. We're courting. "Yeah right. You clearly still have a thing for me; that's why you didn't lock the bathroom door at the party, right? You knew I saw you go in." Wait, what is she talking about? Peter said that he wasn't expecting her to join him; she just sort of appeared out of nowhere. "Or I forgot to lock it; one of the two," Peter rebuffed in a low yet kind of awkward tone. "Why are you even with her? Oh wait, I know; she's the rebound because you're still in love with me." I'm not the rebound, I frowned gazing upwards at the two shadows. Peter wouldn't do that to me, would he?

"Look, Gen. I've told you before; I can't be at your beck and call anymore. You can't keep doing this to me. I still….." I think both me and Gen were holding our breaths, waiting for him to complete his sentence. "I'm still struggling with all of this, alright? You're right, I still have feelings for you; strong feelings." Oh…. oh my god. I really don't know why it felt like someone just slugged me in both my cheeks, making them burn a super bright red. Peter told me he felt this way…. he was honest with me; he's been honest with me since the beginning. But…. " _Just cuddle up if you get scared. I'll hold you; I'll hold you as tight as you need me to_." Peter told me that he still had feelings for Gen, and heck, I might very well have feelings for Josh, but…. Oh my god, I had to cover my quivering lip with my hand. This was painful; this was so painful to hear.

A moment of silence dropped over the two. "Oh," Gen sounded way too pleased; I could practically feel her smiling from down here. I think Peter immediately picked up on the hope in her tone and went in to crush it. "But that'll pass in time. Like Aerity says, the healthiest way to get over someone is to embrace those sad feelings and let time do the rest." "Oh," oh, the venom in Gen's voice just there. "Oh, is that what she said? Little miss "has never been touched in her life before"?" H-holy…. Holy crap, my eyes began to widen in horror. That's right! Gen doesn't know! She doesn't know that I was…. "No, don't say that; you don't know that," Peter retorted. P-Peter, my eyes rolled up again.

"W-what?" The worry she peppered in her question. "You two haven't….?" "No, I'd never do anything like that." "Why not?! You didn't have a problem doing it with me." Wait, they've had sex? Well, I guess we are adults now and it would be a bit much to have asked them to abstain during all their years together. That made me feel less bad about it. "Because she's not like you, Gen." "Oh, are you calling me a slut?" "No! I would never call any woman a slut!" "Really? Since when did you become such a feminist?" "Since I realized that the women in my life me to be so." Whoa! My eyes widened. He actually….. took to heart that talk on feminism we had. He's an ally; a real ally.

Another pause between them. "Do…. do you mean me…. or her?" "All women, Gen," he sounded so incredibly sincere. "….. I'm included in "all women"." "Yes; yes, you are." "Huh….. heh, so many years together and I feel like I'm seeing your soft side for the first time." "What can I say? She makes me softer." Oh boy, more furious, jealous frowns radiating off Gen; I was almost afraid that I'd get burned from her beet red cheeks I imagined her having.

"So, here's some news. Do you want to know why I asked you to come meet me here after your lacrosse practice?" "Not really, no." "A little birdie told me that you were planning on taking Aerity to Paul's beach party next weekend." Paul? Oh yeah, the Princeton party guy. Wait… what beach party? Peter hadn't said anything to me about that. "Chris told you that, didn't she?" "Amy did, actually." Who's Amy? And how'd she know that? Was there like this huge loop I wasn't part of? "Why do you care, Gen? You're going to the party anyway. I can invite whoever I want." "No, no; it doesn't work like that." I confess, I was getting a little tired of her constantly contradicting and telling Peter what was "right" and not. Granted, it was better than her calling him an idiot, but it was still annoying. Peter wasn't stupid and didn't deserve to be treated as such; he goes to Berkley's, remember? But there were more important matters on the table, like this aforementioned beach party.

"That's our thing, Peter; our thing! She can't just waltz in and do all the stuff we used to do." "That's not your call to make, Gen. Look….. I haven't asked Aerity yet, but I'm still planning on it. So you need to back off and respect my decision, ok? I can ask whoever I want; that's my right." Peter, a smile bloomed across my lips. He's right; he's absolutely right. He is a full-grown man and has just as much freedom to choose as anyone else. That's what feminism is all about; humans respecting and supporting other humans, regardless of gender. And yes, I know women in general still need some help in that department- clearly- but this is progress. Peter understanding and valuing his freedom of choice, and asserting it in a healthy, non-confrontational way is definitely progress in my eyes. Too bad Gen didn't think so.

"What rights and choices are you talking about? We're talking about Paul's party, Peter; the one he holds every summer." "No, what we're talking about is my choice to choose to invite or not invite whoever I want as my plus one. You need to respect whoever and whatever I choose, and back off!" Peter started to sound like he was losing his patience with her nonsense. "News flash of my own, Gen; you're not my girlfriend anymore!" "But you still love me! Don't you care about what I want?" She also was growing more and more desperate. "Yes, Gen; I do. But I can't make you happy anymore. We're done, we're over; you are free to go find another guy to be with. And yes, it will kill me to see that, but that's normal! We're adults now, Gen; we can't just take our feelings at face value anymore." Face value…. My lips opened a tad. Once again, my Peter is right….. he's right and so, so smart. I'm astonished sometimes by just how intelligent he is, which shouldn't be surprising at all. Peter Kavinsky was super smart and super correct about this. I knew he still had lingering feelings for Gen, so did he; but he also knew not to take these feelings at surface value anymore… My smart, intelligent, wonderful Peter.


	30. The Fun Chapter

"Thanks again for the facemask. It made my skin so nice and smooth!" I told Josh as we ran on the track. "No problem; I know what you like." "You most certainly do," I smiled over at him. Admittedly, it felt good to hang out with Josh again. It wasn't awkward like I worried it would be; it ironically was like nothing had changed between us. I guess that's to be expected; we'd been so close for so long- it's hard to alter a settled bond like that. He treated me just the same; as his dear best friend. I in turn, did the same. It was almost like that conversation the other night never happened; he certainly didn't bring it up, and not in an uncomfortable, avoiding way either. We just ran together; like two best friends, we ran and talked for about an hour or so.

By the end of the hour both of us were sweaty and heaving for air. Josh and I rested our hands on our kneecaps, desperately gasping for air. Then, with an open mouth, Josh grinned up at me and I him. We broke out laughing at each other's face; guess all those essential oils were nice and sweated out of my system now. Great. But Josh found it more funny than anything, and you know what? So did I. "We're out of shape," he laughed. "Yes; yes, we are." "We'll work on it for the rest of the summer and when we back in Edinburgh." "Sounds good to me." Still smiling, we returned inside to get changed.

Josh and I rode our bikes home; my favorite mode of transportation. I developed an adoration of bike riding in Amsterdam, and Josh was more than willing to indulge me. I had left it beside the bleachers when I sat under them; kinda of surprised that Peter didn't see it. We rode all the way back, stopping in front of my place first. Josh got off his bike and came over to help me off mine, even though that was unnecessary. But what can I say? I love chivalry, so I let him; I always let him. Josh held my bike and smiled over at me with a sappy, wide grin; in a nice way. I looked up at him, also grinning happily.

"That was fun." "Yes, it was." "I'm really glad I'm back." "So am I," I said honestly; Lucas said to be honest at all times and that was the truth. Josh was of course, pleased to hear this; his free hand rose up to tussle the back of his hair. "So, I was wondering if you and Kitty would like to watch a movie tonight?" "Tonight?" It's not that I had plans; the exact opposite actually. Peter hadn't called me back, which meant that until he did, I was totally and entirely free. "Yeah, I'm free; let's do it. Do you wanna come over maybe around seven?" "Sounds good," Josh's grin widened. We stared at each other in a quiet bliss for a few seconds; soft, peaceful seconds. He looked at me just like before, which made me feel good. And in that moment, I was so thankful that I didn't lose him when he and Margot broke up. Not him; not Josh- not my best friend. He made me feel comfortable just by looking at me.

The peace couldn't last forever though. We both flinched as a familiar jeep rolled up in front of my house. Josh didn't recognize it, glancing at it confused. "Who's that?" He asked me, still watching it curiously. Uh oh, I internally braced myself. I'd forgotten that Josh and Peter hadn't seen each other since high school, when Josh found me crying at graduation and Peter- with Gen- leaving the room. Ooooooooooh boy, this was going to be fun, my eyes shut.

The jeep shut off and a confused and slightly alarmed Peter emerged. He looked from me to Josh with wide, alarmed eyes. "Uh, hi?" "Hello?" I don't think they recognized each other right away, sounding more puzzled than upset. "Wait," Peter's fingers snapped together; he caught on first. "Sanderson, yeah?" "Yes? And who might you….. oh wait," a look of stun washed over Josh's face. "Peter? Peter Kavinsky?" He pointed at him, almost in mild disbelief. Well this was going well so far; at least they didn't need me to introduce them. Sigh, but I should; I know it's the right, moral thing to do. Particularly if I want to keep the peace.

"Peter, you remember Josh from high school?" "Yeah, the dweeb." I immediately frowned. No, that's not the right thing to say, "Peter". "I see you're still the pompous jock," Jock also scowled, evidently unimpressed. My eyes peered over at him through their corners. I know Josh; I'm sure he meant to say "jerk" but refrained in my presence. Peter still looked insulted however. "Taking Aerity home?" He didn't bother to hide the venom in his tone. Oh Peter…. "Like any best friend would. Got a problem with that?" Josh didn't sound much better either. "Not at all," he clearly did. "So long as she gets home safe, that's all that matters." "I couldn't have said it better myself." Uh, hello? I'm standing right here, guys.

"So, how long have you two been hanging out?" "We're not "hanging out"; we're dating," Peter viciously corrected. "Courting; you're courting, genius. Don't they teach you what words mean at….. where does he go to school?" Josh leaned over to ask me. "Berkley's," I answered, not looking either in the eye. "Berkley's, really? How'd you manage that?" "Josh," ok, that was kind of rude. He would have never said anything like that in junior or senior high school but he'd grown a bit of a back bone since that incident…

"What about you? Popping in for a quick visit before you up and leave again?" "Peter!" What?! It's literally only been like a minute and they were already hostile. Knowing that Peter was a bit more aggressive, I chose to go the Josh-route to lower the tension. I gazed at him with begging eyes, placing my hand on his arm in a pleading fashion. Oh, Peter did not like that. But Josh turned to me and got the message. His face softened and he returned his eyes back to Peter, trying to be kinder this time. "That reminds me; I wanted to thank you, Kavinsky. Thank you for looking after "my" girl while I was away."

Oh, Josh… My eyes shut in pure agony. Ok, I wanted you to help me but that's not the way! How's that gonna keep the peace? And since when am I anyone's "girl"? I'm a woman, may I remind you; not something to be tossed around like a football. Peter had this tint in his eyes like he wanted to tear Josh physically away from me in that moment. But, being the immature high schoolers that we are- inward eyeroll- he decided to play along. He stuck his hands into his pockets and repositioned his posture with attitude.

"It was no trouble at all. That's my job, after all; to watch over "my" girlfriend." Oh great! Now we're playing the "girlfriend" card. Come on, guys; we're too old for this. Grow up! "You shouldn't use the word "girlfriend" so loosely," Josh countered darkly. "Especially when it's not true." "How would you know?! You disappeared for a whole month." "You disappeared for six years." Oh damn… "Watch who you're throwing stones at there, buddy. One month verse six years isn't even a contest." "What did you just say?"

"Guys!" I finally broke; I'd enough of this stupid, pointless jealously. And might I remind you once again: I'm standing right here! "This is dumb, and petty, and immature! Josh!" I turned to face him straight on. "This is immoral; you know it is. And Peter," my head shot over in his direction next. "You just said that you respected my autonomy. Well, this is the furthest thing from that!" "But Aerity!" They both chimed at once. Oh my god, I licked my lips as I stared off into nowhere, shaking my head slightly. They're going to try and defend their actions now?

"Aerity, this guy is no good for you. See? He even says you're dating when you're not. How's that respectful?" "It is because we are dating. We even have a contract." "Oh yeah; cause all good relationships start off with contracts," Josh's eyes rolled. "At least I didn't date her sister for two years." "At least I didn't date her ex-best friend for eight." "This is none of your business, Sanderson! Look, I'm ok with you being friends with Aerity, but keep in mind the word "friend" when you hang out," Peter's arms crossed defiantly. "Oh?" Josh chuckled coolly. "You think that's how it works? You're calling the shots now?"

"Oh my god, you guys….." I rubbed my forehead in agony. Well, there's only one way to settle this. As my beloved Lucas instructed: honestly is the best policy. "Ok, look. Here's how it goes," this caught both their undivided attention, as they blinked over to me in surprise. "Neither of you have any right to be jealous." "Uh, I think I do." "I'm not jealous, Aerity; I'm concerned." What is this?! Was logic just tossed out of the window today? Sucking in a deep breath to steady my nerves, I went on. "I gonna give you the full story, so please listen closely. I had a crush on Josh first and wrote him a letter." "See?" Josh smirked in victory- prematurely. "Then I fell in love with Peter in high school and wrote him a letter." "Boom!" Peter grinned at the now frowning Josh. These guys!

"You broke my heart, Peter, when you chose Gen over me at the end of high school." "But I….!" "I'm not done," I didn't hesitate to interrupt. "I moved to Europe with Josh, where our friendship started to blossom. Then he got together with Margot and we remained best friends. Then Margot broke up with Josh, and he- with my full support- left the city to get over her in a healthy way. During that time, Peter and I reconnected and…." I sucked in a big, big breath. "We got into a fake relationship to keep Gen off his back." Only it looked like that didn't work; big surprise. "We had to call it "courting" for morality sake. That means that Peter and I aren't tied together; you can court multiple people at once." "You can?" This looked like news to Peter, but I didn't care at the moment.

"Look, the thing is that both situations have put me in a real weird spot. Josh," our eyes met. "The full truth is that I love you; I sincerely love you as my best friend. I couldn't imagine a life without you. But I don't know if that's the extent of my feelings; I could feel something more for you, or not. And I know I have no right to ask you to wait for me while I figure it out; that's something I would never do. You are free to do whatever you wish in the meantime; all I ask is that you stay my best friend please. I can't lose you….. I can't." "Aerity!" Josh's eyes were gigantic. With that out of the way, I then turned to face Peter.

"Peter, all I can say is that I have feeling for you; I really do." "C-Covey!" "But…. I also know that you're still getting over Gen, and I'd never ask you to rush that. Just like I expect you to be patient with me figuring out my feelings with Josh, I will do the same for you. We can stay in this relationship if you want; if it helps you, but realize that a piece of me belongs to Josh. I may choose him in the end; I don't know yet. Neither of you have to choose me; I'm not asking for that either. All I ask is that you two understand my feelings and the position I'm in; I don't feel like either of yours because you frankly haven't made it clear what you want. I can wait; that's fine by me. But if you make me wait, you can't be jealous of each other."

Peter and Josh simply stared at me for a minute. Then, to my surprise, they blinked to each other; their expressions much softer this time. "You still jealous?" "Yep, very. You?" "Yeah," Peter's head nodded thoughtfully. What?! My jaw literally dropped open in utter disbelief. Wha-…. How….. Did either of them just listen to word I just said?! They both chuckled at my dumbfounded reaction, releasing some of the tension ironically. "Thanks for your honesty, Aerity." "Yeah, thanks. It was really nice to hear, minus the whole part about Sanderson." "Likewise," Josh shot him a glare before blinking back to me.

"Is that… really how you feel, Aerity?" "Yes, that's how I feel about both of you." Josh and Peter eyed one another again; if I didn't know any better, I'd say the hostility was disappearing from their eyes. "So what do you think?" "I think the ethical thing to do is to respect her feelings and not push her into anything." Well, thanks; that's a nice thought. Although you're saying "she" like I'm not standing right here, Josh! Peter nodded in agreement. "In other words, may the best man win?" "Yep," Josh grinned playfully up at him. Wait, what? What's happening? The two men shook hands affirmably before turning to smile at me. I…. I don't really know what was happening at the moment. Where'd all the anger and hostility go? And they're still jealous? Still?! I felt like I had entered the twilight zone, especially when Peter announced that he wanted to come over for our movie night tonight….. W-what…. Why am I so confused all of a sudden? How'd this even happen!? Questions I never got answers for.


	31. A Very Confusing, Wonderful Movie Night

"I don't understand. This movie's so boring." Peter. "It's not boring! It's a masterpiece. You'd know that if you read the book." Lucas. "Who has time to read a nine-hundred-page paper-weight?" Josh. "Uh, hello? Right here." More Lucas. "Shhhhhh! All of you quiet! Natasha's about to meet Andrei!" Kitty. "Who's he?" Peter. "The one in white." Lucas. "Oh." Peter again. "They're all in white!" Josh.

I sat on the couch, watching the four talk over each other and the movie. How…. how did this even happen? Here I was, sitting in our living room with Lucas, Josh, Peter, and Kitty. I told Josh and Peter about my movie night with Lucas, to which they both invited themselves to. Kitty was ecstatic; very excited to see the drama unfold between Josh and Peter fighting over their Elizabeth- that's me, I guess. The whole thing was beyond bizarre to me.

How did they go from snarky remarks, to a tense agreement, to actually acting like they possibly enjoyed each other's company? I think, and I could be wrong, but I think that they honestly liked the jealousy. It was like some sort of game each was trying to win in their own silent way. It wasn't like an evil jealousy; more like Betty and Veronica style. Neither wanted me to be alone with the other, but even that worry was weaning the more time they spent together. Kitty and even Lucas thought it was great entertainment. And me…. I was still confused beyond all measure. This isn't how it happened in the movies, was it? How did rival "lovers" get so chummy with each other so quickly? Maybe it's because we were older and could see the good in each other; even our rivals.

"You doin' ok over there?" All eyes were suddenly and unpredictably on me following Lucas's question. Oh god, I did an internal eyeroll. What did I ever do to deserve this? Well in reality…. this was a pretty good outcome, considering. Back in high school, I bet Josh and Peter would have despised each other; they did back then, and that was without them even knowing the other. Now, six years later here we all were: sitting in my living room watching War and Peace of all things. What…. what happened? How did being in our twenties make us more… civil? Ok, I know; I know. It's amazing with some ethic courses and living on your own will do to a person. "Erm, yes! I'm doing just fine." "Want me to get you a drink?" Peter offered attentively. "No, thank you," I grinned. Ok, he's still charming through everything. "I'd like a coke," Kitty raised her hand. "And more popcorn," Lucas added. "And maybe some napkins," Josh had his two cents. Oh…. oh my; this is like something out of book. It's almost cartoonish.

"Sure," Peter stood up. "You want anything, Covey?" He decided to double-check with me, since I'm the only one who didn't give any orders. "Uh… um?" Maybe an explanation? Or a reality-check for me? But nope! We were fresh out of those. Guess I'd have to take things the way they are now. And really…. it wasn't too bad, I found myself smiling up at Peter. It could be a lot, lot worse. "Well, could you get me a glass of milk?" I asked a bit shyly. He grinned down at me and I felt…. it's almost impossible to describe. Actually…. it's the most ironic thing. I think him getting on with Josh and especially Lucas made him more….. beautiful, lovely in my eyes. Peter looked particularly attractive in that moment to me. This was something I noticed, just like when I caught him looking at me during the movie. He was looking at me and smiling…. He was smiling then. Peter…. an organic smile bloomed across my lips.

I didn't know it at the time but nights like this, where we were all together, were some of the best memories of my twenty-fourth year. Peter's laughs, the way Josh made witty remarks, Lucas's pleasant smiles, Kitty's sarcasm….. To quote Natasha: each of them…. I felt like someone gave me the most enormous, beautiful presents. There was something I adored about each and every one of them, and in that moment, I couldn't imagine any of them hating each other. No, that was a gift, a blessing that Josh and Peter slowly but effortlessly became friends as well as rivals. As I said before, I think they secretly liked the rivalry. They were jealous of each other, but not in a vicious, hateful way.

No, as I would soon learn, they would experience real jealousy later in August. That's when the real competition arrived. And he came with roses.


	32. The Feeling of Flowers

We live in a world of ups and downs; I get that. There is always a calm before the storm, both figuratively and literally. The problem is when you don't know that a storm is coming; the calm period before it can actually be a wonderful, blissfully ignorant time. That's how it was for the next week; we have officially entered the "calm" with an unforeseen storm in the far distance. None of us, not even me saw it coming.

Life is also sometimes ironic. For someone who was partly dreading Josh's return- yes, I fully admit that now- the week after he was back was one of the best, most fun weeks of the summer. How is that possible, I hear you ask. Well, it helped that Josh and Peter actually got along great after some time. They were really different, sure; but they had some things in common. I watched as they bonded over music and some select sports. Lucas even got in on the male-bonding action too. Don't believe me? They actually went out one night, the three of them; they went to an American football game- something I had zero interest in. But I didn't mind though; Chris, Kitty, and I took the opportunity to have a girls' night at home, complete with facemasks, ice cream, and cheesy romcoms. Stereotypical? Yes, but it was still fun.

Now, don't get me wrong. My feelings on Josh were still really unclear; he still made me insanely happy just by being near me. But Peter…. something was happening there. I actually think that he looked much more attractive in my eyes because he got along with Josh so well. It was like I didn't have to worry about losing Josh if my feelings for Peter developed. Josh was secure in my life; that was a definite. And with that being the case, I didn't have to worry about Peter chasing him away if I did fall in lo-…. well, let's cross that bridge when we get to it.

Still, I gazed out to the field where Peter, Josh, and Lucas were tossing a baseball around; they were laughing and yelling at each other. Man, they looked so happy…. so incredibly happy and relaxed. My eyes fixed onto Peter, who currently was wearing the biggest smile. Huh, my own lips curled into an unconscious grin. I like it when he smiled like that; he looked so good when he was happy….. so attractive, gorgeous.

"Want some more chips, Aerity?" "Huh?" I blinked over to Chris; she was cleaning up the remains of our picnic. Kitty thought it might be a fun idea for us all to go to the park for a picnic. Everyone was immediately on board and Josh fished out his old baseball from his closet. Chris and I made sandwiches for everyone; not because we're women but because I'm an insanely picky eater. We were going to have a round of make-shift baseball after eating, and the men were warming up. They were a lot more competitive and serious about it than we were; but in a playful, friendly way.

"What's taking you girls so long!? Come on! We're burning daylight!" Peter hollered over to us. I giggled and Chris rolled her eyes. "Your man needs to take a chill-pill, Aerity." "Her man's standing over there," Kitty pointed over to Josh. "Go team Josh!" She whispered while smirking over at Chris. "Oh my god, you guys," now my eyes rolled exasperated. "Come on, let's play," I then led them to the field. Josh and Peter were the "captains" of the two teams. Peter, Chris, and me on one, and Josh, Lucas, and Kitty on the other. It was clear that none of us were good at baseball, but we all tried our best anyway. It ended up being pretty fun.

"You're gonna home, Kavinsky." "Not today, Sanderson," we all observed as Josh threw the ball at Peter. He managed to hit it, sending it far off into the distance; far enough that Kitty had to run for it. Peter got to the plate, doing a victory fist pump in the air. "Now that's what I'm talkin' about! You see that, Covey?!" He shouted over to me. "Yep! Wouldn't miss it for the world," I called back. "Yeah, well no one's going to miss you striking out," Chris said to me. This sounds mean but it really wasn't; I was the worst at this game, literally. "Alright! Time to switch!" She announced and we all changed positions.

Lucas was tossing me the ball. "You ready, Aerity?" "Uh huh," I nodded, bat in hand. "Alright, here it comes!" By some miracle, I hit the ball on my second try; not very far though. But it was just enough to make Kitty run for it. She threw it to Josh, who proceeded to nearly tag me out as I slid to first base. "Safe!" Chris shouted. "Nice hit," Josh grinned down at me, offering me a hand up. "You alright?" "Yes," I smiled back, taking his hand and standing up. "Hey!" Peter called from the other side of the field. "No goggly eyes!" "Oh yeah?! We'll see about that!" Josh shouted back with a big smirk on his face; I noticed that he was still holding onto my hand.

"That was so much fun!" Kitty proclaimed as we entered the house. "We should play baseball more often." "But we lost…. or won; I'm not really sure how the scoring works." "Who cares?! It was fun! That's all that matters." "Yes, you're right," I smiled over at her. "Hey, by the way, what did Peter want to talk to you about?" "Oh," my lips drew in a deep breath, only to sigh lightly. "He probably wants to ask me about Paul's beach party this weekend." "Wait, what beach party?" "Peter's friend, Paul, is having his annual beach party and apparently Peter wants to ask me to go." "Oh…." Kitty's eyes began to wander in a considering way.

"Wait, so he hasn't asked you yet?" "Not yet, no." "Buuuuuuuuut you still somehow know that he's going to?" "I overheard him talking to Gen about the matter last week." "Really?" Her eyes grew. "How'd you manage that? Were you spying on him?" "How dare you suggest such a thing?!" I retorted immediately. The idea! "No, absolutely not! I accidently overheard their conversation while I was sitting under the bleachers at the field….. don't ask," my head shook. "O-ok? So this party? Peter's going to ask you to go…. with him?" "Probably. Either that or he's going to inform me of his going. Regardless, I'll respect his decision." "You mean if he doesn't ask you," she quipped. "I mean it's his decision and I'll respect whatever it is. It's not my place to tell him to bring me, especially when Paul hasn't invited me himself." "But Gen is going, right?" "I…. believe so, yes." "And… you're ok with that?"

I set the bag with the picnic stuff in it down on the kitchen island and turned to face Kitty. "I'm ok with whatever Peter wants. I'm not his real girlfriend… at least not yet." "Oh?" Her face lit up in that usual, knowing way. "Are you hoping that you will be soon?" "I…" Before I could answer that tack-less question, Daddy entered the room with a Lush box in his arms. I know it was from Lush because it had the logo on the cardboard. "Hi girls," he greeted us, putting the box down on the island alongside my bag. "Hi Daddy," we replied in unison. "This came for you today, Aerity." "Oooooooh, my Lush order!" I squealed, grabbing hold of the box excitedly. "Why do you order from online when we have a store in the mall?" Kitty asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Because there's some stuff you can only get online."

I didn't waste any time getting a pair of scissors and cutting the tape. The box opened to reveal a bunch of plastic peanuts at first; that was normal, Lush was so good with shipping. My wide smile began to fade however when I pulled out a bottle of Rose Jam. "Wait…" More searching through the box. I uncovered a Ro's Argan body conditioner, Rosy Cheeks facemask, Rose Lollipop lip balm, and much more.

"T-this isn't my order." "What do you mean?" Daddy and Kitty came to stand at each of my sides curiously. "This isn't mine; I didn't order these. I just ordered some Rose Jam soap and bath bombs. This is like…. way too much." And really expensive too; none of the items here were cheap. "Huh," Daddy picked up one of the bottles. "I wonder if they accidently sent you someone else's order?" "That's the strangest coincidence if they did," Kitty noted with a hint of sarcasm. "Why?" I blinked to her confused. "Because you love rose; everything here is like rose." "Huh?" With a quick rescan, I found that she was right; she was totally right. "You're right. That's weird…." Really weird. But I suppose coincidences like this aren't impossible. Still, we should get to the bottom of this mix up.

"Where's the invoice?" I asked Daddy; there wasn't one in the box…. for some reason. "Uh, I don't know; I don't think there is one." "What do you mean?" "Well, the delivery man just brought the box. There weren't any papers or anything." "Look, the label has your name and address, sis," Kitty pointed to the box's flap. "They must have put the wrong label on. This is not my order." "Well, what did you order?" "I ordered….. wait," a sudden thought came to mind.

"This… is from the UK." "Huh?" Both Daddy and Kitty turned to me in confusion. "They don't sell this facemask in America; I've only seen it in Europe." "This box came all the way from Europe?" Kitty's eyebrow lifted skeptically. "I-it… it must have! It didn't come from here," I gazed back down at the products. "So, they mixed up your order with someone in the UK?" "I….. I guess so! Here, let me see the tag again," we all scanned over the label on the box. It didn't have a return address unfortunately. Kitty's eyes lit up as she spotted something however.

"Hey, that looks familiar." "What?" "That," she pointed to a logo at the bottom righthand corner. She's right, it was familiar. "That's the Oxford logo," Daddy announced. "Where have I seen that before?" Kitty sounded genuinely perplexed by this query. "Wasn't that…? That was the logo on the card that came with the bouquet for me last month!" My fingers snapped. That's when Daddy started to lean back with a slowly enlightening face; his head gave a little nod. Meanwhile, Kitty and I were busy trying to figure this out still. "Why would it have the same symbol? Do you know someone at Oxford?" "No! It must have come from the city Oxford. I… I suppose the city logo is the same as the university logo." Yeah, that worked… didn't it? Something about Daddy's face however… it caught my attention.

Daddy was leaning against the counter behind us now, thoughtfully nibbling the skin on the tip of his thumb. "What do you think, Daddy?" I asked as we both looked behind to him. He didn't answer my question, instead staring at me with intent eyes. "You…. really don't remember, Aerity?" "Remember what?!" My hands tossed up into the air. I'd had enough of people saying "I didn't remember"; if I didn't remember and it was clearly that important, why didn't they just tell me? "What don't you tell me what I'm supposed to remember? Because I have no idea," I retorted honestly but a bit loudly. Kitty's eyes moved from me to Daddy, a tad worriedly. I don't think she knew what he was talking about either.

To my surprise, Daddy looked…. conflicted in that moment. Wait, what was there to be conflicted about? Why didn't he just tell me? What was this big secret that I didn't know, if there was one? I was way too old for this; if there was indeed something I should know, he needed to tell me. But he didn't say anything; he simply stared off into space for a minute as if he was debating with himself. Eventually, his head shook as he let his hand fall and straightened up. "Forget it; it's nothing." "Are you sure?" "Yeah," he grinned up at me; a pained grin to my bewilderment.

An awkward silence over the room as none of us did anything for a second. Kitty was the one to break the tension, grinning to herself and grabbing something from the island; I didn't see what. "Come on, let's go try this out!" She tugged on my sleeve; I guess she grabbed some product we could both use. Daddy and I stared at each other for another second before I turned to leave with my sister, letting her guide me out of the room. But before we left the kitchen, Daddy's voice caught our immediate attention again.

"Aerity!" We both checked over our shoulders to him. Daddy didn't look mad, more… confused if anything. His eyes were locked onto me for a moment while his mouth hung open; I think he was about to say something but stopped himself. He stood there with a look on his face that read that he didn't know what to say next. But he finally broke the silence with a quick blink of the eye, as if realizing something; something important. "Just…. wait." "Huh?" "Don't… rush into anything. Wait a while, is what I mean." "W-what are you talking about? Wait for what?" "I-I…." His shoulders gave a defeated shrug. It was clear that he wasn't going to give me any adequate answers. "All I'm saying is don't make any decisions about anything… or anyone yet. I have a feeling that you're going to see things very differently by August."


	33. Painful Treasures

I was laying on the grass with my hair spread out all around me. A flower twirled in my one hand while Josh's beads were in the other. My eyes gently shut as I slipped into a gentle consciousness, slowly drifting further and further away. My essence was sinking into a sea of memories; warm memories. Moments and experiences that I could never bear to part with. Even if some were inherently painful, I treasured those select few. Dear incidents that I held close to my heart; they were preserved deep down inside of me. My breathing softened as I slipped entirely away. They were safe- deep, deep down.

 _Losing Peter was one of the most painful things that had ever happened to me. At the time I didn't know how much worse it could get; Peter's absence felt more agonizing than I ever could have imagined. I suppose I never realized how deeply in love I'd fallen with him. I know I wrote him a letter back in grade eleven, but so much as changed in the last year. Gradually, gradually I fell more and more with each passing day; without me even realizing what was happening. I never meant to fall so deeply, desperately in love; I didn't even know a love like that was possible. But unlike the sound of my mother's voice, I was too old now too forget him. I was too old to let him slip into my subconscious, though that would have been kinder. Anything would have been better than to suffer like this._

 _That's why I convinced myself that I wanted to forget. Or rather, I wished I'd never him; if I knew it would hurt this much, I wish I never laid eyes on him. Peter brought me so much joy… and pain; unfortunately, the latter outweighed the former right now. I read somewhere that the brain can repress truly excruciating memories over a short amount of time- why didn't that happen to me? This was torture; to go on without Peter in my life…. Yes, I didn't want those memories. I didn't want them at all, not if they made me cry myself to sleep every night. I know I'd forgotten before; there was years of my childhood blocked from my mind. Why? I have no clue; probably because I was too young to remember, Daddy wouldn't talk about it. He said it made me cry too much to remember, whatever he was referring to._

 _But…. as time passed, I slowly began to realize that the time Peter and I shared was here to stay. It was like an impress on me; I'd carry him everywhere with me. I gazed out the subway window into the tunnel's blackness. There's nowhere I could go that he wouldn't follow me; even across the world. Oh god, how I wish it was different. How I wish I never met him. How I wish he never read my poems on the school computer three years old. How I wish he never gave me his school ID or number on it. I wish…. I wish for so many things, my eyes lowered sadly, painfully. But most of all, I wish Peter and I never met; I wish I could exist in a world without him._

 _I was in kind of a daze when the train came to a stop; the door I was leaning against made me stumble when it suddenly opened. A crowd of people pushed past me, and I clamored out, not sure what stop this was. Not that it really mattered. I was so sad, so lost in my mind that the outside world was deafless to me. I didn't notice the people passing by, I didn't notice the trains, I didn't notice anything. It truly was like being in a fog; a deep, penetrating fog, stabbing me all over like sharp needles._

 _Oh god, my feet came to a halt as my eyes stared warily at the platform floor. How could I have been so stupid? How did I not see how far I was falling? Why couldn't I have just kept my feelings in check? My hand rose up to my now watery eyes. I can't believe how stupid I am; I'm such an idiot….. And I couldn't even be mad at myself because it was true. I did this; I did this to myself. I have no one to blame but myself. Peter's in love with Gen- he's been in love with her since grade eleven. And yet, despite that, I still…. I didn't mean to, but I still couldn't help loving him more every single day._

 _The train on the other side of the platform came roaring in, not that I cared. I just stood there motionless on the empty platform on my side, staring off at nothing like a complete loser. People got off the other train; people….. I don't care who they were; I didn't care about anything at the moment. I was just so sad and depressed at the fact that I couldn't forget Peter. No matter how much I wished it, we still live in a reality where we met…. where we met and I fell in love. My bottom lip shook uncontrollably. But no… I don't want that to be my reality. I don't want Peter to be there, inside me always. I know I say this a lot but it's true: I wish we'd never met. My body shifted in such a way that I was facing the other platform. I truly wish Peter and I had never met each other._

 _In that instant…. by some miracle…. I glanced up to see a stunned Peter staring back at me from the other platform. He was clearly surprised to find me down there. We just… ogled at each other aimlessly, timelessly. I don't know how long we stayed like that; we were both enamored with emotion that our faces didn't move a muscle. Everything was happening on the inside; way down beneath the surface. Eventually however, my lips parted a little as I remembered to breathe. My eyes began to widen as I started to understand, to slowly realize…. Oh my god, my heart started to race. Oh my god._

 _I do… tears rolled down my cheek while I continued to stare wide-eyed. I know… I know why I love him so much. Just one look, like every day back in high school, I'm reminded again and again. I also realize why Peter seems so different from other boys. I love Peter simply because he is easy to love, he is easy to look at. More heavy tears. Sure, he's nice but I think it has something to do with his eyes… his deep, endless eyes. They weren't looking at me now; they never looked at anything. Peter's eyes did much more than "look"; they were like hooks to the soul, pulling you deeper and deeper into his being, his essence. Peter was a part of me, but I slowly came to comprehend that I was a piece of him now too. His eyes soaked me up like a sponge, just like they did every day for the past three years. Yes, he was easy to love… so remarkably easy to love, to adore._

 _Peter flinched, coming to when my feet slid back the tiniest. "Aerity!" His voice! "H-hey, Aerity! Aerity, wait!" His voice….. "I want to talk to you!" I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know that that would be the last time I heard him in six years; that this was the last time we'd see each other for so, so long. I didn't know that I'd be moving across the world in a few months, and I didn't know how close Josh and I would become in Peter's absence. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have immediately run away from him. I wouldn't have spun around, and madly dashed down the platform and up the staircase without looking back. I would have looked back… oh god, how I wanted to see those endless, hooking eyes of his._

 _It was on that day that I realized how wrong I'd been. No… after I saw him, after I was reminded how much I loved him, I couldn't imagine a world where we didn't meet. I now saw that I needed Peter, even if merely as a memory. He was one of the best things that ever happened to me, and no amount of wishing or memory-erasing would change that. Peter was here to stay and that was a good thing; it had to be a good thing, since it couldn't be any other way._ The image of Peter and I appeared; we were much older then, probably in our mid to late twenties. We were sitting on a grassy hill with the sea in the near distance. _Yet despite that, I was convinced that I wasn't for Peter; it just wasn't meant to be. He'd stay here and live his life, and I'd have to move on with mine. This pain couldn't last forever; that would be unbearable._ We smiled at each other; we were smiling.

 _I guess I'll never tell Peter any of this; we exist now, only as memories to each other. But… My eighteen-year-old self cried silently, curled up on my bed with the covers all pushed away. I won't be able to stop loving Peter. Not tomorrow, or the day after, or thereafter….. Regardless if he's actually here with me or not, I will still be in love with Peter in the most hopeful, most hopeless way. Thinking of only Peter, I cried myself to sleep that night._


	34. He Told Me Soon

" _When I see you, I can't breathe. And when you look back at me, I find that breath is of little consequence."_

 _My eyes opened to find that I was no longer laying on a grassy patch outside in America. I must have drifted off to sleep since I woke up in the gardens of Versailles; this was officially a dream. It was a spring day; it smelt like a spring day. Gently lifting my upper half off the ground with my arm, I gazed all around my surroundings. The garden was empty, expect for the odd bird or butterfly. Huh, just like the first time I was here; I got so lost in the gardens. I wandered for at least an hour without seeing or hearing anyone else; it was that big. I wonder what made me dream of this? Last thing I remember, I was recalling the sad memory of missing Peter, how much I used to love him…. back at time when I thought I would always love him; when I truly believed that. But time has a way of changing things….._

" _Or preserving them." My eyes rolled forward to see a faceless, brown-haired man in an English university suit standing in front of me. Though he had no distinguishable eyes, I could tell that he was also looking at me. "I think… haven't I seen you before? In my dreams, I mean?" "Our last encounter was so profound that it left an imprint on you, I see?" "I don't remember," I answered back honestly, though I was certain that I had dreamt of him before; even if I couldn't remember the dream itself. We stared at each other for a quiet moment until the softest smile on his lovely face appeared._

" _Why don't you lay back down and rest?" "Why are you here again?" "Same as last time," the mystery man came to sit down on the grass beside me; he rested his elbows on his folded knees. "I am here to serve and help you, however and whenever that may be." "You're my humble and faithful servant?" I teased, grinned in his direction. "Always," he said with a distinct smile. Again, our eyes found each other's- softly, warmly. "What are you here to help with this time?" He took his time answering, drifting his gaze out onto the garden in front of us._

" _You do not love Peter?" "No," I confessed with a sigh. "Not anymore." A natural lull in the conversation fell over us. I picked up a blade of grass in my hand and twirled it in my fingers. "There was a time when I was deeply convinced that I'd always love him," my eyes were looking at nothing in particular now. "But six years is a long time and things changed…. I've changed. I'm not the same girl who fell in love with Peter anymore," my hand flung the grass blade away. "No," he agreed in a quiet, gentle tone. "You've become quite a woman; a true lady."_

 _This made me look at him. Somehow, I couldn't shake this weird feeling… it was the oddest thing; almost like I had deep feelings for him- this stranger. He must be a stand-in for Josh or Peter; something my mind's created, but still…. My eyes peered over to him from their corners. There's still something about that voice… something that draws me in, deeper and deeper…. He noticed me peaking at him and responded with a pleasant smile. Man, his smiles were something precious…_

" _I like it when you smile," even I was incredulous to hear something so dumb and impertinent come out of my mouth. I was about to go into immediate repair mode when his head turned to face me. "Tell me something, Miss Covey. Do you believe that love can persist over years without two people seeing or even speaking to one another? Or is such a reality impossible?" "Well, my mother's been dead for a very long time and I still love her. But in the case of Peter…. no, I think some contact is at least necessary." He nodded, though I wasn't sure if he was convinced. "W-why? What do you think?"_

 _Another long pause came over us. His lips parted slightly as he drew in a long, deep breath. "There's a reason you could forget me but not Peter…. I was the one person you couldn't bear to fall out of love with. It was kinder to forget, because you knew…. deep down, you knew." "Knew what?" My eyebrow raised. What the heck is he talking about? I had no idea and yet, he sounded so incredibly sincere, passionate… it was almost like he was pouring out his heart to me; this mystery man. His eyes went back to mine, revealing the honesty in his face. "If you remembered, there would be no others; there could be no others."_

" _I…. I don't understand." What does he mean "no others"? The way he was talking, it was almost like I not only knew him in real life but loved him…. sincerely loved him. He didn't explain himself, instead continuing to watch me with the silkiest stare. "Did you ever wonder why you always smelt of flowers in high school?" "How did you know that?!" I asked, a little affronted. He chuckled warmly. "I know you, Miss Covey. I know….." "Well, yes actually; I did wonder…." I replied truthfully. Peter always claimed that I smelt like flowers, but I could never figure out why._

 _To my surprise, the man stood up. He made his way over to a nearby rose bush. I watched curiously as he cut a long stem red rose, bringing it back to me. I took it, wordless by his action. I loved flowers…. I loved them so much, particularly roses. "They're your favorite," he grinned, as if to be reading my mind. I simply gawked up at him with wide eyes and a slightly confused expression. "You were lucky, Miss Covey. I was not so fortunate to forget you; your essence always permeated me, regardless of the year." "A-and now….." I was a little afraid to ask my question, to hear his answer…. Maybe I was afraid because… his voice…. "N-now will I only see you in my dreams?"_

 _He stared down at me for the longest time before saying anything; I swore, it was like he was re-absorbing my "essence" all over again. "Soon….. it won't be long now. That's why you've dreamt about me twice in the last month. And you will dream about me one more time before August." "Why August?" My voice was so quiet and meek. In place of an answer, his gorgeous smile returned. Such a beautiful, perfect smile….. I could see it over and over, and never get bored. "Incredible," his hand reached out for mine. "After all this time…. It still happens to me." "What?" "When I see you, I can't breathe. And when you look back at me, I find that breath is of little consequence."_

"Aerity! Aerity, come inside!" My eyes fluttered open slowly. The setting sun was painting the sky a lovely shade of pink high above me. "Come in!" Kitty's voice reached me again. I was still laying on the grass where I'd fallen asleep. "Peter's here! He says he wants to talk to you about something!" Peter? My hand rose up to my forehead as I tilted my head a tad. That's right, I was thinking about Peter; I was remembering when I last saw him when I was eighteen and…. _"When I see you, I can't breathe."_ What…. what was I dreaming about just now? Was that Peter's voice or…. No, it must be his; but I don't ever remember him saying anything like that to me. It has to be him though, I managed to comprehend before the dream slipped away from me entirely. Who else could it have been?


	35. Party Invitation

I came inside to find Peter already standing in the kitchen. An instant grin crossed his lips when he spotted me, all covered in grass blades; they were hard to fish out of my long hair. "What happened to you? Take a nap outside or something?" "Just for a little while," more grass in my hair strands. A light-hearted chuckle fell from his mouth as his came over to help me. "Here, turn around," he politely instructed, which I obeyed; he was a lot better at grass-picking-out than me. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure, Mr. Kavinsky?" "Two reasons. One, I had to bring you your daily note." "Awe, you don't have to do that anymore." "Sure I do; it's in the contract," he stated matter-o-factly. I simply looked forward and smiled.

"And two, I came to ask what you're up to this weekend?" "This weekend?" Oh right! Paul's beach party; almost forgot about that. "Nothing yet, why?" "Don't play dumb, sis. You know why," Kitty interjected, earning a sharp glare. She was busy sniffing some the rose products Lush recently delivered by accident to me. "You know what?" Peter's eyebrow lifted towards me suspiciously. "About that party this weekend. Aerity said that you were probably going to ask her." "How did you know about that?" Peter demanded, now facing me directly. After letting out a long sigh, I relaxed my stance a little. Well, better tell him the truth; it's not like I did anything wrong.

"I overheard you and Gen talk about it last week," I admitted freely. Oh, did Peter look scandalized just then. "How'd you do that? Were you spying on me?" "Of course not!" How dare he even suggest such a thing?! Well, I guess he didn't have anything else to go on, but still! He looked as if he expected an explanation though, so I continued merely to humor him. "I was sitting under the bleachers when you and Gen unexpectedly sat overtop of me. I… confess, I wasn't going to listen but then I…" "You decided to eavesdrop on our private conversation?" "Well, yes…." There's really no other way to put it; I certainly couldn't defend my action.

Peter stared at me for a second as if he was contemplating what to say next. It was clear that I wasn't going to try and justify my action; I wouldn't do that. I also however, elected not to remind him that he was to inform me of any interaction he had with Gen- it was in the contract. It would be childish to do something so petty to win an argument. To both of our surprises though, it was actually Kitty who intervened again with her wise words of wisdom. "What's the big deal? You think Aerity would do that on purpose? Uh, I think my sister has more important things to do. Hey! You wanna do facemasks with us tonight?" That was….. a really well-constructed sentence. But she's right, and I'm sure Peter knew that. One look at all the books on my shelf would tell anyone that.

"She's right; sorry, Covey," Peter surprisingly apologized quite quickly. His hand ruffled the hair on the back of his head before addressing me again. "And she's also right about me asking you to the party. That's why I came by; to ask if you'd like to go….. to Paul's beach party…. with me," the last part of his sentence was awkwardly fragmented; I think he was a bit shy to ask me. The widest grin rolled across Kitty's face as she blinked from him to me, anticipating my response. Peter also looked anxious to hear it. I, on the other hand…..

"Well, I….." To be honest, I hadn't thought about what I would say to Peter; providing he asked me of course. I didn't construct a reply ahead of time. Maybe that's because deep down inside, I didn't want to go…. "The thing is, Peter…" There would be men there. "What I mean to say is…" Men I didn't know, or trust. "I….." Men sleeping in the same house as me, at night…. where they could sneak into my room and… "No; the answer's no." I announced a little louder than I should have.

Both Peter and Kitty's faces morphed into ones of shock, particularly my sister's. This obviously shocked her more that was expected. Seeing this, the urge to explain myself overwhelmed me. "It's not, Peter; it has nothing to do with you. It's just…. I don't feel comfortable sleeping in a house with men I don't know." "What are you talking about?" Kitty gasped utterly confused. "You live with a hundred and fifty grad students in Scotland. Not all of them are women, sis." "That's different, Kitty," my eyes fired off a glare. "Yeah right." "It is! First off, I have my own lockable room in Europe. Second, Josh lives right beside me; he can be over in a flash if I need him." "I'll be there," Peter offered in a softer tone; I think he was catching on as to why I had reservations. Kitty however….. I had to remind myself that she didn't know; none of us ever told her. This meant that I had to be really careful with what I said around her right now.

"Yeah, Peter will be there. What's the big deal? They're just guys, Aerity." "Exactly; they're men. And you can never be too careful," I proclaimed firmly. "You don't need to worry about that. I won't let anything happen," Peter's hand stretched over to rest overtop of mine. My lips let out a small sigh as my head shook lightly. "It's not like that, Peter. You can't promise that when other men are involved. They're strong too." "Why are you so afraid?" Kitty's eyes rolled and I suddenly felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. She didn't know….. she didn't know. Sensing where this was going, Peter quickly stationed himself between us, taking a step closer to me.

"Look, Covey; I promise nothing bad will happen. It's just a weekend party with a bunch of college guys." You think they're any better? My eyebrow rose, which he immediately noticed. His grip tightened around my hand. "You'll have your own room if it'll make you feel better." "It would….." And it better have a lock on it. "And we'll spend all our time together; you'll never be alone." "No, I don't want to do that to you, Peter. I don't want you to have to babysit me all weekend." "It's not babysitting; we're courting, remember?" A smirk peered in the corner of his lips, making me smile a tad. This man…. How many times have I called him wonderful before? "I also promise that Gen will leave you alone. And Chris will be there too, so you'll have friends there. No one's gonna hurt you, Aerity; not while I'm around," his head leaned in so our foreheads could press together. Oh Peter, my eyes gently shut. If only you could…..

"You can't promise that. I want you to…. but I know it's not possible," I whispered in a sad, almost pained tone. It's not just him; it's impossible for any man ever, unless he glues me to his side. And neither of us would want that; talk about unhealthy relationship goals. The only problem is that Peter didn't know this yet. I think he truly believed that he could fully protect me….. keep me from harm at the hands of other men. I know he thought this because he responded to me by chuckling a little and shutting his eyes; our foreheads were still resting against each other's.

"Don't worry, Covey; I'll make sure nothing happens. I'll keep you safe and sound." "Oh brother," Kitty rolled her eyes. I however, was enjoying the illusion for the briefest of seconds. I know that such a thing isn't possible. But….. "I'll go on one condition," I whispered again, lifting my hands to rest on his cheek; his soft, soft cheek…. "Stay close to me…. as close as possible." "That's a given. No, I won't let you out of my sight, Covey." "Good," once again my eyes shut, soaking up the illusion of security and protection. I wanted to believe so badly in that moment; I wanted to go back to those days when I could feel utter confidence in a man's ability to protect. Just for the shortest of seconds, I wanted to be that innocent girl again; the one who believed Peter's words with all her heart. The safest feeling…..

"I don't feel safe unless I know you're nearby."


	36. The One Who Loved Me and Let Me Fly

"I don't understand it. This is great!" Josh was enjoying our quick facemask that Friday morning. He had popped in to see me before Peter picked me up; I was already all packed, so we decided to have a fast pampering session. But if you think I was leaving my Lush at home this weekend, you are sorely mistaken. I had everything I needed; indulging products included.

Josh was surprised and a little alarmed when I told him about the party. He kept asking me: are you sure about this? In essence, he understood my fears better than anyone. I had to reassure him, as well as myself, a few times; to prove I kept his concerns in mind, I brought his beaded bracelet with me. I still refused to part with it, even for a day after all this time….. This seemed to settle Josh's nerves- a bit.

I had just removed my facemask whilst there was a knock on the door. "Coming!" I scurried out to the hall, rubbing my face with a pink towel. Peter was right on time, meeting with me a slightly amused grin; his hands were buried in his pockets. "Hey, beautiful. You smell good." "I just did a facemask. Ready to go!" "Huh, not used to that," he remarked following me inside; I guess he waited for Gen a lot. "Guys! Peter's here!" My voice echoed down the hall. "Hey, Kavinsky," Josh emerged from the bathroom bare-faced. "Hey, man. Come to see Covey before we go?" They grasped hands like Peter did with his other guy-friends. "Yeah, she told me about the party," Josh withdrew his hand to rub the back of his neck. His eyes instinctively made their way over to where I was standing in the kitchen. "Hey, quit worrying, Sanderson. I'm not gonna anything happen. Don't need both you fretting," Peter's lips cracked a half smirk. Josh didn't look convinced. "I need you to understand something…" He started to say before I returned over to them.

"Got everything. Ready to go, Peter?" "Whenever you are, chief. Have a good weekend, man," Peter gave Josh a playful shoulder shove. "Hi, Kitty! See you when we get back," he then shouted out to her. "You're leaving already?!" She cried from the bathroom; she was still in the process of removing her mask. "Yeah, it's a six-hour drive to the coast," Peter explained. "Oh, alright. Have fun! Don't get eaten by a shark!" "Not funny," I rolled my eyes, picking up my backpack. "Shall we?" I then grinned at Peter. Without warning, he reached over to pluck the backpack off my shoulder and bring it out with my other stuff. Awe, this couldn't help but make me smile. Josh, on the other hand…..

"Hey, Aerity; can I talk to you for a moment?" "Sure, what's up?" I didn't hesitate to give him my full attention. He looked more…. reluctant now, and I think I knew why. His hands planted on his hips and he gazed down for a second, taking in a silent breath. "You don't have to go if you're not comfortable. I know this must be hard for you." "It is… but Peter's assured me that he'll be close by the whole time. I don't… I don't want him to feel like he has to babysit me; he doesn't…. but….." "You don't feel safe all on your own?" Josh finished my sentence for me. I looked up at him with understanding eyes; sometimes I forgot just how well he knew me, how much we've been through together….. Without comprehension to what I was doing, my head nodded slowly up and down.

Josh's head also nodded; he knew…. he knew. "I wish it was different. I wish you could feel like you could go anywhere and do anything. I wish so much…" "I know; so do I, Josh," I cut him off before he could say anything that would hurt either of us. "He doesn't know, does he Aerity?" "N-no…. he doesn't," my eyes lowered. I want to tell him…. no, that's a lie; I never want to talk about it with anyone, regardless if they already knew or not. It was painful, unbearably painful. "You don't owe anyone anything. You don't ever have to tell a soul again if you're not comfortable with it," Josh brushed a few stray hairs behind my ear. My head lifted up once more so I could meet his gaze; his soft, soft gaze… He smiled- a kind, gentle, sincere smile. And it's then that a realized- or remembered- how dear this man was to me.

This man, this beautiful creature I've had the pleasure of knowing, being best friend's with… "Josh…." "Aerity." "Please know that you are precious to me. Regardless of what happens in the future, please know that I'll still worry about you and want you to be happy, so happy…." "You're precious to me too, Aerity. You're someone I treasure…..." Josh… My eyes fixed onto him, watering the tiniest bit in the corner of my eyes. "I love you," I admitted honestly, truthfully. I've loved him all along; that was no secret, even to me. I was the first to admit it. "That feel inside me, it's real too. I love you, my dearest friend," I heard myself repeat.

Josh merely watched me for a moment before reaching over to take my hand in his. He brought it up to his lips for a kiss; a warm, kindred kiss. Then he looked me straight in the eye again. "I love you too, Aerity Covey; I love the person you are. Whether we're friends or more, I will always love who you are." I feel the same way, I moved closer to his chest coming in for a hug. It was around this time that Peter cleared his throat, and we flinched to see Kitty and Peter standing there observing us. Kitty wore this all-too-happy grin while Peter didn't look impressed; he wasn't outright upset though. I don't know how much they heard, but it obviously was too much, I inwardly groaned.

"Well, if you are done….." "Oh, shut up, Kavinsky. You're going to have her all weekend," Josh shot him a half-hearted glare. "True enough. Come on, Covey; got a long drive ahead of us." "Say goodbye, you two," Kitty chimed, continuing to stare like we were some soap opera. "Well, I'll see you on Monday," I gently pulled my hand out of his. "Yeah," Josh watched me as I turned to leave. I was about to head down the hallway out the front door until….

I felt two strong, familiar arms wrap around me from behind. I didn't have to look to know that Josh was hugging me again, right there in the hall. Kitty squealed excitedly, which we both ignored. Josh just held me closer so to whisper into my ear. "I know you love me, Aerity; you've loved me for a long time now." "Yes…. yes, I have." "And you knew that I loved you too. Despite everything, you're the one thing I refuse to lose." "I know, Josh…." I know. "Then please know this. If Peter's right for you, then I won't stand in your way. So long as he doesn't take you away from me. Whether as my sister or wife, I need you to stay…. stay in my life. I can't lose both you and Margot." "And you won't. Nothing could ever drag me away from you; not you…." Not my beloved best friend who held me through all those panic attacks; who was there for me without hesitation. No, I needed him as much as he needed me; that's how friendship works.

Josh seemed pleased with this as his arms tightened around me affectionately. "Then I can wait. Go, go and have fun with Peter; see if there are any feelings left there." "Josh!" This surprised me, but he simply continued with a contented smile. "In the meantime, I will wait patiently for you to come back and tell me; tell me everything. I'll wait…. Till you're back beside me, till I'm holding you." I understood completely what this was… I knew what he was saying, though I wouldn't lie and say that it was a little frazzling to hear. I knew him; I understood him…. I knew that he was telling me that he loved me; truly loved me in the most profound, selfless way. So selfless that he was willing to watch me fly with another, if that was right for me. Just as long as he could come to see me once and a while, to make sure I was ok and happy… He'd hold me and let me go at the same time. He'd let me fly, like a true best friend.

"That's from the Connie Francis song," I remarked in the softest tone, trying not to tremble. Josh chuckled also warmly, pressing me up against him close. "You're not the only one who likes old love songs. I'll wait here, Aerity, till I hear you sigh here in my arms," he said while kissing the side of cheek.


	37. Summer Sun and Winter Wonder

"So you told Josh that you loved him?" "Yes, but he already knew that; just like how I knew that he loves me. We've loved each other as best friends for a long time." "Just to clarify, you are talking in platonic terms here, right?" Chris asked as we brought our bags up to the porch of Paul's beach house. Gotta admit, this place was massive just like his mansion of a house. "Course; I don't love anybody romantically now." "Uh, I was talking about Josh. Who's this "anybody" you're talking about?" A sly grin reared in the side of her mouth. This woman, my eyes inwardly rolled. "No one. I've just been…. I've just been thinking about Peter lately; about when we were younger." "You mean back when you looooooooved him?" Chris sat down on the step, holding one of her knees in her hands. I followed suit, planting myself beside her.

"Yes, I've been thinking about that; remembering…" "So why do you sound so unsure about it? That's all in the past; Peter's back in your life now. History's not gonna repeat itself if you do…." She stopped herself before she finished that sentence. But she didn't need to; I knew what she meant. "You're right, Gen; I'm sure you are, but….." _"Just wait. Don't rush into anything."_ My father's words unconsciously rang through my mind. I gazed down at my fingers as they twiddled with each other. Then I let out the softest chuckle, my stare still locked on my hands.

"Heh, did I ever tell you that the last place I saw Peter was at a subway station? It was six years ago, just after graduation….." Chris didn't interrupt, electing instead to wait patiently for me to go on. It took me a second to gather the correct words in my head and mouth. "He was standing on the other platform. He saw me and we just…. stared at each other in this sort of deaflessness. He eventually called out to me and I ran…. I ran away from him," I let my hands fall down, untwining my fingers. Again, Chris remained silent, listening to me intently. "Oh, I loved him so much back then; I was convinced that I'd never stop loving him….. I loved him…"

A pregnant pause fell over us, which Chris honored for a second. "But?" I sucked in a deep breath, taking my time to respond. "But I was wrong. Over the years, I fell out of love with him. I think…. I think it was when I became a feminist; like truly. I realized for the first time that he treated me like crap at graduation; he literally chose Gen over me, he didn't even think about it. I knew I deserved better and swore to myself that the next man I gave my heart to would….. Let's just say I only plan to fall in love one more time. The next man I love is the man I know will marry; my heart belongs to my future husband now. That's why I'm so cautious to fall in love with anyone romantically…. even Josh," my eyes lifted to meet Chris's. She nodded in understanding before blinking downwards a tad.

"That's why you only let yourself love Josh platonically now; you want to be sure that he's the one, if he is?" I nod. "Same with Peter. You've been burned by him before; can't be too careful, especially considering that he and Gen recently broke up." Another head nod. "You're waiting for your husband now? Men are no longer boyfriend material; they're marriage material." "Yes. I probably won't get married until I at least graduate from masters, preferably PhD; but that's it, if I get married at all. I don't want to waste my time writing anymore fruitless letters," I flashed her a smile. Chris simply observed me for a long moment before surprisingly scooting over and wrapping her arms around me. I returned the jester and we held each other tight. Then she whispered into my ear: You smell like flowers. Heh, now where have I heard that before. "It's this Lush order I got."

We stayed like that until an unfamiliar voice interrupted our girl-bonding moment. "Hey, Chris! Can you come give me a hand with this?!" We let go to see some guy I'd never seen before waving in our, or rather her direction. "Coming!" Chris's eyes rolled as she stood up and went over to him. I watched her walk away, letting my thoughts wander off on their own accord. I hadn't seen Peter since we arrived, but I didn't mind this time; it was still light out and Chris was near me. It was actually nice to have a quiet minute after that six-hour drive, which I really didn't mind. It was fun; Peter and I talked the whole way, making six hours feel like one. Still, I enjoyed the quiet…. I enjoyed it, I thought as the warm summer sun shone down onto me there on that porch.

" _Look at all the snow, Aerity!" Gen and I were a few of the first off the bus when it came to a stop. Peter, Gen, Chris, and I all went on this year's annual skiing trip…. even though I had no idea how to even put on the boots. But I didn't care; I was just happy to be there with my best friends in the whole world. That, and I didn't have a boyfriend at the time so I didn't have to worry about any of that business, if you catch my drift._

 _While Peter, Gen, and Chris went skiing with the others, I spent most of my time reading those cheesy romance novel and walking- and playing- in the snow. It was an overall great trip, despite Gen and Peter sharing a room; I chose to ignore that minor detail. They were a couple now, after all._

 _At around two o'clock or so, after a whole two hours of none-stop reading, I decided that it was time to stretch my legs. Bundling myself up in a winter coat, complete with pink scarf, hat, and mittens, I went outside. Admittedly I didn't go far from the log cabin, but I was still outdoors for some time. I hadn't realized how long since the other skiers came back from their ski run this afternoon. I had just kicked up a pile of snow and landed on my back in a snow-angel position on the ground, laughing hysterically to myself. My laughing was stunned by a snowball to the face._

 _Quickly sitting up and wiping the snow off my face, I turned my head to see Peter standing there; he was smirking and holding another snowball in his hand. "What'd you do that for?!" I shouted, feeling the effects almost immediately. "Coach said you took off this afternoon. I came to find you." "Find me? I'm like literally within sight of the cabin." "Ok, fine; I came to get you, happy? It's almost dinner time." "And you had to alert me of your arrival by a snowball to the face?" He replied with an even wider smirk, tossing the current ball up and down in his hand. "Whatcha gonna do about it, Covey?"_

 _Growing my own mischievous smile, my hand went fast to grab a pile of snow, only to have another tossed at my head. I retaliated with a messy snowball to Peter's chest. This was followed by more flying snow on both ends. Long story short, by the end of it we were both wet from getting pelted with snowballs. Near the end, Peter even scooped me up and threw me into a huge pile of soft snow. I screamed but secretly loved it; we were both having the time of our lives._

 _Our little snowball fight ended with both of us laying on the ground, staring up at the sky and breathing heavily. Peter was tired after all that skiing and snow fighting, while I was just out of breath. Then, like someone gave us the same que, we both burst out in a fit of laughter when we had enough breath to do so. "I hate snow," he managed to get out. "Me too," I agreed, still laughing. "Thank god we don't have more of it where we live." "You're so right," again I approved._

" _So what'd you do all day, Covey? Finish all those stupid books?" "They're not stupid!" "They kinda are." "Well…. maybe a little. But I still love them! And for your information, I didn't spend all day reading. I spent a lot of it outside." "Outside?" Peter's head lifted up a little. "You mean you've been out here for a couple of hours?" "Yeah, I think so? I don't know what time it is now." "Gees, girl; if you're not careful, you're gonna get yourself sick," I could practically hear Peter's frown without checking. "Oh, that's hypocritical. You've been outside all day." "I've been skiing; not frolicking in the snow." "Well, I can only frolic when we come out here, so I gotta take every chance I get." "Haha, very funny."_

 _My eyes did widen at the sudden feeling of something warm landing on my forehead. It took me half a second to realize that it was Peter's bare hand. He had reached over to place his palm on my forehead….. for some reason. "Uh, what are you…..?" "Just chill, ok? I'm checking your temperature." "What the?! Why?!" This was borderline bizarre to me; certainly shocking. "We both know how easily you get fevers." "Well yeah but….." That's actually something that still happens throughout my entire life; no doctor really knows why but it doesn't happen often, so I don't mind._

 _After a moment, Peter sighed in relief and retracted his hand. "Ok, you don't feel like you have one." Uh, thanks? But I didn't say this out loud; I was more…. cheeky in my youth. Instead I smirked and gave him those "attitude" eyes. "Since when is it your job to monitor my body temperature, Kavinsky? That's weird, you know." "I just don't want you to get a fever on this trip, alright?" "I wasn't planning on it," I retorted sassily. Peter shot me a look. "So sue me for taking a vested interest in your health." "Why do you care? You're not even my boyfriend." I knew that probably grated him to hear, which is why I said it; something I would never do when I was older. "Would you just let me do my thing?" His eyes lowered onto me intently; sincerity I wasn't used to yet._

" _I wouldn't be able to fall asleep tonight if I knew you were sick."_


	38. Hot Tubs and Bath Robes

True to his word, Peter stayed glued to my side during the party. I'll admit, I wasn't enjoying myself overly much. Turns out that Paul invited a lot of people, all whom liked to drink and get ready loud. Peter had a couple of beers but didn't get sloshed for my sake. I didn't partake in any alcohol of course. But for Peter, I tried not to be a stick in the mud either. We went for walks along the beach, I made him breakfast, and Chris and I went swimming when Peter made sure no guys would come around.

I didn't see Gen until the next day. She arrived with this other guy I did not know. But it was clear from the moment she saw me that she was extremely upset. Peter and Chris told me to ignore her, and Peter deliberately led me to places around the house he knew she would not be. At the time, I didn't mind Gen being there; I didn't really see her much anyway. That would change however, the next morning.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back to Saturday night. Paul's beach house had like three hot tubs and one main pool. While everyone gathered around the big pool- which was really stupid cause they were drinking around deep water- Peter wanted to go sit in one of the empty hot tubs. He wanted me to come with him, and I did. I sat on the side, sticking my feet in while he got changed. I guess I should have foreseen this coming since this was a hot tub, but my eyes grew in shock when Peter took off his white bathrobe. Beforehand, when he first emerged from the house in it, I simply smiled over at him. That smile disappeared however then the robe dropped to the ground.

Now before you imagine the worst, he was wearing swim trunks; it's not like he was naked or something. But it was my first time seeing a man's bare chest in a while- well, a man I knew intimately anyway. I immediately turned my head away, trying to hide the blush in my cheeks. Twenty-four years old and I still blush at the sight of a man's bare chest; how mature am I? Luckily Peter caught on right away, his own grin vanishing. "Sorry, Covey; I didn't think…. Um, I can put on a tank top if you want." Awe, Peter…. he didn't even hesitate. Still looking away, my head shook lightly. "N-no, that's fine. It'll be fine once you're in the water." True to my word, Peter got in and I was able to look again. He smirked at me in one of those playful, knowing fashions.

"I'm not naked, you know." "You're naked enough for me," I cut him off. My beloved fake boyfriend chuckled. "Why don't you come in? The water's sooooooo nice." "I can't. I didn't bring a bathing shirt." "It's ok if you don't want to; I get that. But no one's looking…. and I'll stay wherever you want me to. I just want you to have the option." The option…. That's something I felt I didn't have most of the time. I watched Peter for a long minute, analyzing the sincerity in his expression; he was sincere, obviously. Then, I don't know from where, but it suddenly hit me like a lightening bolt. Peter wasn't like this because he wanted to see me in a one-piece; he truly wanted me to choose for myself, to feel secure enough to…. "What if someone comes?" "Then I'll deal with it. No one will see you if you don't want them to," again, zero hesitation.

With a growing grin on my lips, I sucked in a deep, deep breath, shut my eyes, and proceeded to remove my outer layer of clothes. Peter did the absolute wise thing and didn't say a word about how I looked in a bathing suit. Instead, he waited silently as I emerged into the hot tub with his. This was my first time being this…. exposed in front of a guy in over a year. It was a weird feeling, kind of scary, but since it was Peter, I trusted him. I looked at him, and I trusted him…

Neither of us said anything for a while; merely sitting and enjoying the water. My eyes gently closed as I tilted my head back. Peter was right; this did feel nice. I'd forgotten how good this could feel…. When both of us were ready, we blinked back at each other and smiled. Have I mentioned how good Peter looks when he smiles? He grinned at me intently. "Hi," I giggled. "Hi," he said in a soft, delicate tone. "I'm sorry if I'm not being much fun at the party. I didn't mean to….." "What are you taking about? You're the only thing keeping me sane around here," he interrupted my tangent. Funny, he didn't even say that sarcastically; it was more matter-o-factly. His head tilted back like mine had and his eyes wandered up to the night sky. I observed patiently for him to continue; I felt like there was more he planned on saying.

"You know what's ironic? I used to love partying; I could go all night and did. I can't count all the times Gen and I woke up in someone's house, surrounded by empty beer cans, pizza boxes, and other passed out drunks," he paused here to take in a few silent breaths. "I don't know exactly when it happened, but at some point, it just stopped being fun. I wasn't enjoying myself like I used to. Maybe it started in third year of university….." Another steady pause. "I remember this one time waking up in someone's place- I don't remember who's. I slept on the floor, my shirt stained with beer and puke; Gen was blacked out on the couch where she'd thrown up too. I remember sitting up with this pounding headache….. and….." His head came back down as his eyes drifted off into nowhere. "I remember looking around and thinking to myself "is this it? is this the best life I can be living?". I'd never really wanted more before that moment, but…. I don't know. My university days were numbered, at least before postgrad, and I knew that this couldn't go on forever. That got me thinking about the future; what kind of future I want. I'd never really thought about it before…"

Yet another very long lull. I still didn't say anything, keeping my eyes locked onto Peter. His gaze eventually met mine and I was reminded of those deep, endless eyes of his; the ones that hooked you, tight. "I only agreed to come this weekend because Paul's a good friend from back in my party days. But… it's clear that we're on different wavelengths. I tried to get back into it for his sake, but I can't; I guess I'm not the same person anymore." "Peter…" My eyes lowered tenderly. "That's why I'm so glad you're here, Covey. You're like a constant reminder to me." "Reminder?" I lifted my eyebrow curiously. "Yeah; a reminder that things can get better, that life can still be fun and exciting beyond those party university years." "Peter!" I let out the biggest gasp. He chuckled at this response. "Don't sound so surprised, Covey. You keep me sane in situations like these; you always have." "P-Peter….." Peter.

My mouth opened to say something kind about all this but was interrupted by an unfamiliar voice in the distance. Peter's grin disappeared while I checked over my shoulder. It sounded like two or three guys were headed in our direction. "Over here, dude! I think there's another pool over here!" I had just enough time to blink to Peter with a look of horror washed over my face. Peter seeing me in a bathing suit was one thing; strange men was totally another.

Realizing the situation, Peter immediately came over to my side of the pool; he brought his robe in his head, holding it over the water. He set it down and stood right in front of me. "Ok, just hold on; I'll…." "Dude, I found it!" I winced as one very drunk guy stumbled from behind the house's corner. He was followed by two others. "Room for three more, bro?" The first one asked Peter; I don't know if they could see me or not. Seeing as they were drunk and likely wouldn't leave even if he told them to, Peter didn't even try arguing. Instead, he moved closer, careful to shelter my entire body without touching me. "Ok, here's what we'll do. I'll stand up and then you do; I'll cover you in my robe," he whispered back to me. Luckily for us, the three drunkards were busy laughing and jostling with one another.

Peter stood up and I followed suit instantly. Then, when he knew it was the right time, he quickly spun around to place his robe over my shoulders. I put it on and closed it up, averting the crisis. He sighed in relief and grabbed his own towel while getting out of the hot tub. We smiled at each other pleased with the outcome. "Well, that wasn't bad," he sighed again. "Nope," I agreed. "Wanna go inside? I have a feeling you're gonna want a shower." "You know me," a laugh left my lips. "Alright, go get cleaned up and I'll meet you in your room later, kay?" "Ok." With one last grin, we made our way inside the house and parted to our designated sections. Paul did one smart thing and labelled one bathroom as male and the other female. Peter went to the male's on the first floor, and me on the second floor.

Once in the female designated bathroom, I undid the robe and went over to the showers to turn one on. While waiting for the water to warm up, I went to grab my shampoo, conditioner, and soap. Being the girls' room, I didn't freak when the bathroom door opened; I thought it was just another woman coming to use the toilet or wash their hands or something. I was horrified to look up and see none other than Gen standing there; hand on hip while in an attitude stance. Man, her eyes were burning a hole through me when she saw me in Peter's bathrobe. Wait…. ooooooh, that can't be good. I'm in her ex's clothes; intimate clothes… oh boy.

"Nice robe, boyfriend-stealer," she said… like that was some major insult. And her tone; her tone…. Little did I know that was the start of one of the worst nights of the year for me.


	39. Side Story: Those Lovely Childhood Days

[Author's Note: I wanted to write something warm and soft before the next two chapters, which are not going to be particularly happy. Don't worry; everything will end well- this is just the storm before all that. Also, I am ultimately on team PeterxLara Jean BUT John is still very precious to me. I think you know who she'll up with in the end (Peter, cough, cough) but John is going to be some stiff competition.]

No one's P.O.V.-

Stephen had just gotten home from work. He went to place his briefcase down on the island in the kitchen. The house was quiet this evening; Margot was in Vancouver, Aerity was at the beach party with Peter, and Kitty was out with friends. A smile bloomed across his face as he began to ponder what to do with his spare time. While scratching his chin with his forefinger, his eyes wandered down to the Lush box still resting on the counter. The Oxford logo caught his attention. Without realizing it, his mind began to slip away, back to a time long, long ago.

Eighteen Years Ago:

Stephen was helping to prune fauna in the botanical gardens. He volunteered there every week with another family, the Ambroses. The one woman lived with her sister and family, which included two sons. Stephen brought his two eldest daughters, leaving baby Kitty at home with his mother; she had moved in to help after his wife's passing. While Margot and Paul- the eldest boy- ignored each other, Aerity and John- the youngest- were inseparable. John was a quiet boy with this tender way about him. While Margot would go climb trees, get dirty, and do other such things, John and Aerity would spend their time talking, playing peacefully, and reading to each other. Despite her mother's recent passing, Stephen had never seen his daughter so happy as when she was with John. His mother and aunt said the same of John.

This one time, while the adults were pruning some rose bushes, John was pushing Aerity gently on an old rope swing. They had just finished the fifth chapter of _Pride and Prejudice_ ; something John introduced to the enthusiastic Aerity. Stephen looked over to see John pushing and Aerity laughing. Then, out of nowhere, he sat down on the swing beside her; it was big and strong enough to hold both of them. The father watched as the two proceeded to just stare at one another, silently. It was the strangest thing; it was like they were having a conversation with their eyes. Stephen didn't know it was possible for such small children to do such a thing. They weren't even smiling either- just staring, simply….. effortlessly.

By the time John finally smiled- the tenderest smile a boy of seven could achieve- his aunt and mother were observing the scene too. His mother gave Stephen a knowing grin; he just glanced from her back to the quiet children. John's little lips parted a sliver. "You smell like flowers." _You smell like flowers_ ….. "It's the roses you picked me," little Aerity smiled back. "They're your favorite." "Would you pick me a red one next time? I like red ones best." And the look of adoration in their faces; their tiny, innocent, enraptured faces. The purest, whitest, truest smiles and eyes….. "I will always pick roses for you."


	40. The Real Taste of Gen's Jealousy

"What are you doing here, Gen?" "I should ask what you're doing here. Paul's beach house is our place; you had no right to come here." Oh my god, I wanted to roll my eyes but knew that would only make the situation worse. Gen was not one of those people you wanted to antagonize; rationality wasn't really her strong suit. "Ok, first off, I didn't do anything wrong. Peter asked me to come; that's his right, neither of us can take that away from him. He's his own autonomous person."

"Oh, don't give me that feminist bullshit," Gen spat, not holding back any venom in her tone. "Don't call it that! We both benefit from feminism every day!" I retorted; if it's one thing I hated, its women bashing feminism- men already do that enough. "What you're doing isn't very feminist, dumbass!" Uh…. huh. Ok, no point in arguing that one; clearly she had no idea what she was talking about. She was probably referring to some unfeminist girl-code; which aren't real codes at all. Sensing that I wasn't going to refute that allegation, she took the opportunity to continue.

"You say you're so "pro-women", and yet you steal someone else's boyfriend?! What's wrong with you? Why couldn't you have just stayed home this weekend?" "I'm sorry you find my presence so threatening." Even as I said it, I knew that was probably not my best choice of words; true but perhaps ill-timed. Then again, with Gen being in this mindset, I doubt that it mattered what I said; everything could and would be twisted into an attack. "You think I'm threatened? Look at me! Or better yet, look at yourself; you think any man is ever gonna want "that"?" She motioned up and down my body with her hand. I think she immediately realized her mistake however when I looked in the mirror and grinned down to Peter's bath robe. Oh yeah, real big insult there. Her eyes went from momentary horror back to blood-rage.

Before she had the chance to try and dig at me again, I sighed and spun to face her. "Look, Gen. We're too old for this. Peter has made his decision- by asking me here I mean- and it's our job to respect that. This was Peter's call; not yours or mine." "Wrong, bitch! It's my call." Oh boy, how were we ever best friends at one point? "Alright, it's your call; Peter just didn't listen," I decided enough was enough. I smelt like hot tub chemicals and wanted to shower asap. Imagine my utter disbelief and fear when Gen suddenly snatches up my medium-sized bottle of Rose Jam shower gel from Lush. She waved it around in her hand, not taking her eyes off me.

"I don't get it; you're disgusting. You don't do your hair, you don't wear makeup or sexy clothes. How could any boy bare to be seen in public with you?" "I don't court boys; I court men, and men are very different than boys," but unfortunately you likely just lost your last man for good. Enjoy a future of being treated like a girl, Gen. "Don't you lecture me about that; I know more about men than you ever will." In the bedroom probably, I inwardly smirked. Again, I would say this out loud, but I have too much class. And that's not me bragging either; it was the way I was raised. And I could still smell pool chemicals all over me!

"Give me my soap, Gen; I want to have a shower," I held out my hand. She sneered to herself. "You think that'll help anything?" "Yes; please give it to me." "I don't think all the soap in the world could help you." "Gen, give it to me. It's mine and I want it back." "Oh really?" The next few seconds were…. horrible is the best way I can think to describe it. I watched, my eyes steadily widening, as Gen flicked off the black cap, turned the bottle upside down, and started to empty its contents into the sink.

I…. I felt personally violated in that moment. I hadn't experienced bullying like this since I was in elementary school. This was… this was sick! Not to mention destruction of personal property. Gen wore the ugliest, most vindictive sneer on her face the whole time, savoring my dumbfounded reaction. It took a few seconds for my brain to process what was happening, and when it finally did- twenty seconds later- it went into auto-drive. "No!" I screeched, reaching for the bottle. Gen was able to hold me back pretty easily; she's always been physically stronger than me. "Don't! Stop! That's from the UK! It came in an order! Please stop!" "God, who knew you were so attached to soap?" "Give it back!" "Give me back my boyfriend's bathrobe!"

By the time the bottle was empty, Gen threw it onto the ground, kicking it away with her foot. I blinked from it to her shaken- shaken and extremely upset. "There. Now you know how it feels to have something you love taken from you; although I'd say my pain is greater than you losing some measly soap," she wiped her hands together. "W-why…. why are you like this? Why are you doing this to me?" Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes by now, which I'm sure brought her great delight. "Uh hello? I've been saying the whole time, you-stole-my-boyfriend," she deliberately slowed down her speech at the last part. "I didn't steal anything, Gen. I'm not like you," my hands rolled into angry fists. "You're right; you're not. Which is why I'll never understand why Peter would go out with someone like you. He must be doing it to punish me; we both know he can do better." "Peter would never use me," I said in a low, dangerous tone. I was mad; madder than I'd been since…. "You don't think so? You're just as stupid as he is."

Oh…. oh no. No, you do NOT call Peter "stupid"; not in front of me. That's when I remembered the last time I felt anger like this. It was at the mall when I first saw them after six years; Gen called Peter an idiot. I remember that…. I remember… It was then that I realized that I needed to get away from her. People like Gen aren't worth arguing with; you'll never win, no matter how right you are. They won't let you. By staying near her, in the same room with her, I unwittingly exposed myself to danger. She would hurt me; she wanted to hurt me. And judging by the way she spoke about Peter, she didn't mind bruising him too. Insulting me was one thing; insulting Peter, on the other…

Without warning, I turned to head straight to the door. Seeing what I was up to, Gen caught my sleeve; cause you know, since destruction of property wasn't enough, let's add personal battery to the mix. "I'm not done!" "I am! Let go of me!" I ordered in a very loud voice. I think it echoed out of the bathroom and down the hallway. "This robe doesn't belong to you!" This… this monster. All this because seeing me in Peter's robe was too intimidating for her? She really couldn't stand to see me wear it any longer? Fine! I angrily pulled my arms from out the sleeves, shoving it into her. "Take it!" Then, before she could retaliate, I opened the door, promptly stepped out, and slammed it behind me.

And you the worst part? That wasn't the worst thing that happened to me that night, er morning by now. It couldn't compare with what transpired next.


	41. Salt Water and Tears

_I was staring out at the North Sea, standing on Portobello beach; it was about an hour's walk from my college. I remember the poignant aroma of salt mixed in the spring air. A warm, gentle breeze flowed through my hair as I continued watching the water. It was brown, unlike the ocean water back in the Pacific where I came from. My lips parted a tad, my eyes lowered softly._

 _Pain…. It still permeated through me each and every day. This was a new kind of pain; something I'd never known before. More than losing Peter, even losing my mother I'd say….. It was the knowledge that there were some individuals out there that didn't see me as human, as an equal. I wasn't an autonomous being to them; I was something to be used, abused…. It's one thing to hear it but once you've actually experienced it, you can never go back. In one single night, one man changed my life forever. Unfair, isn't it? He probably won't remember me in five-ten years, but there won't be a day that passes that I don't think about him. He changed me, destroyed me…. I no longer felt confident or safe, especially around men. My choices, my freedoms were suddenly so limited; I couldn't just do what I want, when I want anymore. He made that decision for me. And for those of you claiming that I'm acting in bad faith, no- I'm acting on self-preservation. The problem was that I didn't trusted my ability to protect myself; not anymore._

I stood out on the pacific coast, watching the clear water in the moonlight. The salty air was stronger here; where it was mild in Scotland, it was powerful in the West coast. I looked for Peter after that whole Gen incident. He was nowhere to be seen; probably taking a shower. Instead of waiting in the house for him, I went for a walk alone on the beach. Now, I know this goes against everything I've seen to Peter previously and every bone in my body, but I needed to get away for a while. I put on my own bathrobe and nightgown with a pair of flipflops and headed down to the coast. It seemed safe enough since it was out front, and the party was still raging in the back. No one would miss me.

While walking through the sand, now barefoot- I liked to squish the sand between my toes- I mulled over tonight's previous events, particularly the ones involving Gen. How could she treat me like that? Well actually, very easily; people have done a lot worse to me than that. Still, the fact that she would treat someone who used to be her best friend like that…. My foot kicked a tiny pile of sand. "Ugh, what am I doing?"

What am I doing indeed. Those whole thing with Peter was stupid. And here I am, lecturing Gen that she's too old to be acting like she did, when in reality we're guilty of the same immaturity. I wasn't lying when I told Chris that my heart belongs to my future husband, or when I told Josh that I loved him as my best friend. But where did Peter fit in all this? We're too old now to be playing make-believe couple; something has to happen. He either needs to get over Gen completely in a healthy way and then ask me out… or let me go. I'm stick of making decisions for a bunch of guys who won't tell me how they feel. Well, ok; I knew how Josh felt but still, something needed to be said there too. After all, wasn't I worth more than this? I was lost in thought that I didn't notice this presence sneak up behind me. "Well, well, well, what do we have here?" I turned my head to glance over my shoulder. Wasn't I worth more?

Imagine my instant, piercing horror to see something, or someone stumble straight towards me. It took less than ten seconds for me to realize that it- or he- was a drunk partier; must have wandered away from the crowd. Without thinking my brain went into auto-pilot. My head immediately spun back around, and I started making my way in the opposite direction. "Hey, where are you going?" He slurred. I just kept my eyes forward and feet moving. God, how stupid was I?! I shouldn't have come out here alone; I shouldn't even go outside alone. I can't defend myself from this or any guy. The idea only made me walk faster.

Unfortunately for me, this drunkard was right on my tail. "Come back! I just wanna talk to ya! Awe, come on; don't be like that." Don't listen to him, Aerity; just keep walking, just keep walking. I was so lost in my escape plan that I failed to hear him run up behind me. It wasn't until something took hold of my bathrobe that I finally let out an ear-piercing scream- unconsciously of course. My head shot around to see the man leering at me in the most disgusting, lustful way. It was so thirty that I felt nauseous for a second. Just like that time back in Paris, when that man grabbed me, everything started to go numb. Still holding onto my bathrobe, the man tugged me closer.

"Eh, you'll do." I'll do….. No, that word rang over and over in my head. No, I don't want this! His hand reached up to pull at my bathrobe, clearly trying to tug it off. Without consciousness, my eyes began to water as the world turned back into that deafless black I was so used to. No! No, no, no! Why me?! Why can't I be stronger?! Why can't I protect myself from goons like him? Why am I so helpless?! Body still on auto-pilot, I began screaming and thrashing about, doing everything I could to get his hands off me. "Don't touch! Don't touch me!"

My shrieks fell on deaf ears. "Shut up! No one can hear you out here," the creature said in another slur. This did not help anything. My mind went from auto-pilot into actively get-me-out-of-here. But he wouldn't let go, and even if he did, he was blocking my way up the beach. I was in between the water and him. In that moment, I knew my time was limited. I could already feel a massive panic attack coming on, and once that happened I'd have trouble breathing. It started when one of his hands let go of my bathrobe, reaching up to touch my shoulder. That was the tipping point. While he continued to leer at me, I let out the second most horrified cry in my life. A wave of emotions and memories overcame me as breathing became more difficult; my vision started to blur.

No…. no. _"Margot! Call 999!"_ Why me? _"999, what's your emergency?"_ How can people see me this way? As something to solely use? _"My sister's been attacked!"_ Without regard for what it'll do to me? _"Where is your sister now?"_ I don't want this. _"She's laying on the floor!"_ It hurts. _"Is she bruised or bleeding anywhere?"_ It's painful. _"I don't know! Josh, do you see any blood?"_ Too painful. _"No, she's just shaking uncontrollably."_ More painful than anything else I've experienced. _"What happened to your sister?"_ I have to live with that pain now. _"Her shirt's been torn off! Her pants are still on but… oh… oh my god! Is that a bite mark on her breast?!"_ I did nothing to deserve this; I was an innocent girl. I'm innocent….. And I'm so, so sick of people taking advantage of that, of me. Wasn't my life worth more than this? Wasn't I worth more?

Shooting this man the vilest look I've ever given anyone, I practically tore myself out of my bathrobe. It happened within the span of ten seconds; he went from touching me, to me physically flinging myself away from him. Then, there in nothing but my nightgown, I moved back into the water. My right foot was the first to feel the cold sting, followed by the second. Before he had time to say anything, I had backed up to my waist in the ocean. No, I still didn't trust myself to defend my body against predators like him, but I refuse to be a passive victim either. I was drugged last time; this time I have a chance to flee, even if it was into the water. I wasn't going to drown myself, but I knew he was drunk and likely wouldn't follow me. He simply watched as I went deeper and deeper, stopping right about my neck. The cold water stung, I won't lie, but it was better than dealing with him and a panic attack at the same time.

"Hey, you crazy bitch! Get back here!" Bingo! He wouldn't follow me into the water; my gamble paid off. By now he was hollering and demanding that I come back. Instead I just stayed put, trying to steady my breathing; that panic attack was still a firm possibility. While wading there, some salt water got into my mouth. I have no clue why, but that taste sent me back two springs ago, half a year after the attack. I remember standing by the North Beach, watching the water in the distance. That was back when my pain was still potent….

 _Then again, maybe I'm thinking about this all the wrong way. Maybe I don't need to be stronger to protect myself; maybe I need to be more resourceful. If a man came up on the beach right now, I'd probably go straight into the water. My eyes scrolled down to my toes; they barely touched the tip of the tide. This pain will probably never go away; it'll follow me wherever I go. And I'll probably never feel truly capable to defend myself again. But I also don't want to lose all of my freedom either. I've already lost so much; he's already taken so much from me. I'd rather swim through ice cold water than go through that again. I don't care what it takes, so long as I never, ever have to go this pain a second time. No man will touch me without my consent, no man will look at me with lust…. I want my freedom back. I don't think it'll ever fully return, but I don't want to live like this forever either. I'm worth more; he doesn't dictate my value. I do- and I say I'm worth more than this._


	42. I'll Take Care of You

There's always this peaceful aura after a storm. It had come after a brief period of calm when I didn't realize what was happening. Then, before I knew it, the storm was already here. Little did I know at the moment however that the serene time was fast approaching now. It didn't feel that was while I stood there in nothing but my nightgown, up to my neck in salt water. The man didn't bother hollering for me for long; he fell backwards, landing on the sand passed out pretty soon. Even so, I was still too wary to come out of the water yet. It didn't matter how cold I was- well, it kinda did- but I'd rather take my chances with hypothermia than predators prowling around on the beach. That was my short-term plan anyway.

I don't know how long I was out in the ocean for; it could have been just a few minutes, but the cold made it feel much longer. It was definitely long enough however, for someone to notice our, or rather my absence. My ears perked up at a familiar voice shouting in the dark distance. My nerves quickly spiked as more- male I should add- voices followed. "Where is she?!" "How the hell should I know?! She's "your" girlfriend; your problem! I'm looking for Steven." That's Paul, my eyes narrowed unconsciously. The cold was really starting to get to me now. Still, I refused to move; not like this. Not until I was sure that it was safe for me on shore.

A couple of guys emerged from the fauna, coming into view on the beach. It was so dark out that they didn't see me right away. They did spot Steven- I guess that's the attacker's name- who was too blacked out to register their calls. "Steven!" Paul gasped loudly. This was followed by him waving his hand in a "come here" motion in the distance. "He's over here, you guys!" "Ok, we've found him. Now where's Aerity?!" Peter demanded angrily. Peter… My eyes widened the tiniest amount at the sound of him saying my name. I should yell back, I should wave my arm…. But I was so cold it actually hurt to move now. My arms felt heavier than they ever had and my throat…... don't get me started. So I remained there, shivering uncontrollably in the water with them still on the beach.

"You have to help me find her! What if she's hurt?!" "Why should I? Like I said, she's your problem, bro. I've got a ton of people puking at my place I need to babysit." "I don't care! Aerity's missing! You can't just….!" Peter froze mid-sentence when he saw the drunken Steven still holding onto my bathrobe in one hand. It came into view as Paul hoisted him off the ground, draping Steven's arm over his shoulder. "T-that's her robe…" Peter sounded more stunned than anything. His initial shock only lasted a mere five seconds however. Paul almost accidently dropped Steven when Peter took firm hold of his shoulders. He proceeded to shake the unconscious man with vigour; even Paul looked flabbergasted.

"Wake up! Wake up now! Where did you get that?! What did you do?! Wake up!" "Whoa, Peter, stop! You'll hurt him!" I couldn't see but I knew Paul was trying to stop Peter's assault right now. "I swear to god, if you laid one hand on her…." My fake boyfriend growled loudly but dangerously. "Lay off, dude! He's not comin' to anytime soon!" "He's holding Aerity's bathrobe!" I don't know why it took me this long to realize it, but it suddenly hit me like a lightning bolt: Peter might actually hurt him. Not on purpose I'm sure, but I probably wouldn't stop until Mr. Attacker woke up. It was up to me to make sure nothing bad happened to him; at least not yet.

Sucking in the biggest breath I could, I had to force my arm to let go of me and reach up into the air; the cool breeze stung my bare skin immediately. C-come on, Aerity; you can do this. Another kind of deep breath. "P-Peter." No, my voice was not loud; nothing about me was animated right now. When this failed to grab any of their attentions, I winced knowing I would have to try again. "P-Peter…."

It wasn't Peter but Paul who first caught sight of me. I don't think he recognized me off the bat since he didn't react seriously right away. "Dude, do you see that?" "What?" "That- there's something in the water." Ok, here we go. Having their attention now, I proceeded to give my arm a small wave. "Whoa! There's something in the water!" Paul asserted. I couldn't see Peter's original expression, but he didn't sound super concerned when he hollered out to me. "Yo! Yo, bro; you ok out there?" He must have thought I was another partier. "P-Peter," I tried again in my most feminine tone possible. I'm sure Peter's eyes went from confused to downright horrified because he gave a little cry.

"A-Aerity?!" "Peter….." "Oh my god, Aerity!" What happened next were lots of splashy noices. I could hear Paul yelling something back on the beach, but I didn't catch what. Within a matter of seconds, Peter was right in front of me in the water. "Aerity! What the hell are you doing out here?!" Boy, was he furious. I don't think I've seen Peter this livid before, and that was only for five seconds. I didn't answer, too frozen to speak unless absolutely necessary. "Jesus, you're freezing!" I failed to notice him touch my arm; my skin was that numb. "Come on!" But I didn't move, only stoking his rage. "Come on, Aerity! I'm not arguing on this! You probably already have a fever!" A fever? Oh yeah, I forgot I got those randomly, like on the ski trip…

"I've had enough!" I did feel Peter take hold of my wrist this time; he gave it a swift tug. My body was so frozen that it didn't move me like he thought it would. "You need to get out, Aerity! Why are you even out here?! Did you want to freeze to death?!" Oh boy, great time to scold me. My lips parted slightly, shaking all over themselves. "N-not safe…." That was all I could get out. "Huh?" Peter's eyeroll rose puzzled. "It's not safe….." "What are you ta-…" Then his gaze went back to the now lone bathrobe resting on the sand; they returned to me very wide.

"Wait….. did… did Steven try and attack you? Did you touch you?!" I nodded softly, motioning for my shoulder. The look on Peter's face was dark now, really dark- but still understanding, even compassionate now. "A-and that's why you're out here? To get away from him?" Another gentle nod. Peter just watched me for a second- a very fast second. Then, without warning, my whole body was scooped up princess-style into his strong arms. This was the most intimate position we'd ever been in before, not that I really noticed or cared at the moment. Peter didn't hesitate to press me up close against him.

"Covey…." "I-I'm sorry….." "Stop it, don't apologize!" His tone was a bit frantic. I responded by resting my head against his bronze chest. He felt warm, so warm…. "It's me who should apologize. I'm sorry I left you alone like that, even after I promised…" "I-it's ok," I whispered as he kept walking up back to shore. "No, it is not ok. I told myself I'd never let happen again to you again, and I'm so, so sorry, Covey. But promise me… promise me you'll tell me everything that happened, ok? I want to be there for you, to help you." Oh Peter, you already do, I sighed softly.

"We'll leave the house tonight. Don't worry about a thing; I'll start a hot bath for you, pack up everything while you warm up, then we'll go straight to the hospital. I'll call your Dad once we…." "P-Peter," now that we were officially out of the water and with Peter's body heat slowly warming me up, I was able to speak easier now. It still took a lot of effort though. "Huh? What is it? Are you hurt?!" The panic in his voice…. "S-stay with me," I wasn't asking, I was begging. I just needed to feel safe, just for a little while. "What are you talking about? Of course I will! No, I'll never let you out of my sight again." Peter…. "S-stay… with me," my eyes gently shut. I feel so safe when you're here with me… And I could feel Peter's eyes practically burn a hole through me with how hard they were staring. "Just rest; rest now and leave everything to me, Covey. I'll take care of it….. I'll take care of you."


	43. From the First Moment I Saw You

The faintest melody played repeatedly inside my head as I slipped in and out of conscious. Pride and Prejudice 2005's soundtrack…. Peter's theme music to me. He was currently racing inside the beach house with me lifeless in his arms. Though I could see, I could hear people's audible gasps and surprised exclaims. "Out of the way!" Peter ordered as we crossed the living room to the main staircase. "What's going on?"

I knew that voice… I knew but I didn't want to look; my thoughts were too permeated with subconscious peaceful music. It felt like Peter's essence was swimming all around inside me, keeping me sound during all of this. Peter's arms tensed, which I guess was a result of finding Gen approaching us. His aura immediately darkened; I could sense that. "Whoa! What happened to her? Try to drown herself all over a little soap?" "Where did you get that robe?" Uh oh; I guess she was stupid enough to not only take the robe from me but actually wear it around the house. Bad move, Gen. I could practically feel the cocky smirk vanish from her smug face. "Uh, well, um….. it was in the bathroom and uh…" "You cornered Aerity in the bathroom upstairs, didn't you? That's so like you," Peter hissed threateningly. I would wager that Gen realized her mistake by the tone of his voice; she certainly didn't try to deny it, which was wise on her part. Peter's grip on me stiffened- he was MAD! "You and I are gonna talk later." That wasn't a friendly invitation to discuss things out; that was a serious demand.

Before Gen could say anything, to which I question if she even would, Peter proceeded to carry me up the stairs and kick the female designated bathroom door in with his foot. Someone- a guy I might add- was currently puking in the toilet. " ," Peter didn't give him an option, and by the tone he used again, Mr. Hungover wasn't going to try his luck. I heard him scramble out and Peter flush the toilet. Then, still holding me in one arm, he pulled up the bathtub and started the hot water. I didn't say anything while the tub filled up, not doing anything physically until he turned off the water. My eyes shot open and my back bucked at the sudden and extreme painful hot water touching my skin. Now the water wasn't boiling; it wasn't that hot in reality. But anyone who's ever put their freezing hand in lukewarm water knows what that feels like. I gave a little shriek, clinging onto Peter's shirt, so not ready for this yet.

"I know it hurts, Covey, but you need to get warmed up; you're already freezing and have a major fever." Huh, would you look at that? I suppose I did have a fever after all. More submersion. "P-Peter!" My throat cracked. "It's just for a little while. Come on, Covey; please," he begged, his voice much softer and sensitive now. Now, I knew that he was only looking out for my best interest, so I very reluctantly let him set me down in the tub. I winced the whole time, my whole body experiencing that stabbing pain for a second time that morning. It was not fun; not at all.

Once I was fully in, Peter pulled his arms out of the water and started searching for a clean towel. While scouting, he came across my empty Lush Rose Jam bottle poorly concealed in the trash; real smart there, Gen. I knew he saw it but decided not to address it- not right then anyway. When he finally found one white clean towel- somehow left untouched- he snatched it and came back over where I was wading in the tub. My full body was on display with my soaked nightgown acting as a useless cover, but I didn't care at the moment. It was just Peter here with me and after all…. He didn't get to assault me, Steven. He didn't….. I saved myself from that horrific ordeal, a small inward smile began to bloom as my body relaxed for the first time on this trip. I saved me…..

"Covey?" My eyes reopened to see Peter sitting beside the tub, watching me with severe anxiety. Ah, Peter….. He's here; he's here with me. "How do you feel? Do you feel sick? Thirsty? Did you drink any sea water?" No; no, I didn't want to talk about that. Despite everything, I actually was feeling pretty great, at least emotionally. Sure, that was horrible to go through and I wish it never happened, but….. the worst didn't happen. That knowledge alone made me so happy. That and the fact that Peter was right here with me. It ironically felt like this would be the perfect scene if this was a movie or book. I felt like I could protect myself for the first time in a long time, and Peter would handle things if I needed him to. I saw now that I had best of both worlds, or at least that's how it felt at the moment. And I felt so incredibly lucky all of a sudden…. lucky and thankful. I think happy tears would have come to my eyes if I wasn't so dehydrated at the moment.

I looked at Peter and smiled…. I smiled. This obviously surprised him judging by the expression on his face. And just like that, there was Pride and Prejudice playing inside my mind again; all I needed to do was look at him and…. "Peter?" It was much easier for me to speak now. "Huh?" "I'm sorry." "What did I tell you about apolo-…" "I'm sorry I ran away from you that day in the subway station," his eyes grew as I cut him off. "Huh?" "I'm sorry I didn't try and contact you for six years. I'm sorry I told my family not to give you my contact information….. I'm sorry I didn't hear your side of the story. I'm sorry I assumed that you automatically took Gen's side….." "W-what are you talking about? Where's all this coming from?" Man, did he ever sound confused. My smile simply widened however, my eyes lowering onto his.

"You are a good person, Peter; a good man. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I thought before that I was right in how I acted because you took Gen's side. But now I see that maybe I didn't know you as well as I thought I did." Peter looked…. stunned. He blinked at me a couple of times before replying. "What makes you say that, Covey?" "Because I never thought that any man would actually come out into the ocean to get me…. for the right reasons. Even you," my eyes scrolled back up to the ceiling. "Well, that's nothing special I did, Covey." "Yes; yes, it is." "I was just acting on impulse is all. I saw you out there and knew I had to go; my body moved before I could even think to…."

What's important to know here is the way Peter said this; it's not what he said that startled and amazed me so- it was how he said it. He wasn't even looking at me while he spoke, just staring off into nowhere while he answered me honestly. And that's the thing- he was being wholly and sincerely honest. His tone wasn't bragging or trying to convince me; he said it in a matter-o-factly fashion like this wasn't a big deal. Oh, but it was a big deal; a very, very big deal. In Peter's eyes, he didn't do anything terrific out there. In my eyes, he was something wonderful; just wonderful.

My eyes rolled over to him once more as my soft, affectionate smile returned. "Do you remember the first day we met?" I asked him in a gentle tone. "You mean the day in Computer Studies? When I gave you my ID card?" "You put your number on a sticky note on the back of your card. You've always been there for me, Peter. I guess, somewhere along the way…. I forgot that," I admitted. He didn't respond for a minute, watching me and considering to himself. Eventually his head gave a tiny, surrendering nod.

"Apology accepted, Covey. And…. thanks." "You're welcome, Peter." He let out a sigh and leaned up against the side of the tub. "Warming up?" "Yeah, it doesn't hurt anymore." "Good. I'll wait a little longer before going to gather up our stuff." A pause slipped between us. Then, like clockwork, we gazed at each other simultaneously. He smiled, and I mirrored his lovely expression. "Can I tell you a secret, Covey?" "Of course you can," my hand reached out of the tub for his. Not wanting any part of me- minus my head- to be out of the warm water, Peter took it and instantly put both our hands under the surface. This made my smile grow as I patiently waited for him to speak.

"Back on that day in Computer Studies, when I first looked up at you….." He paused for a moment, his lower lip quivering ever so slightly. His eyes stared off into nowhere before a rapturous smile bloomed across his beautiful pale lips. It was as if he was recalling something pleasant. "I don't know why but when I first saw you, something weird happened. Two thoughts came right out of nowhere….. that'd never happened to me before." Another break- just a quick one. "My first thought was that you smelled distinctly like flowers." I laughed a little at this, and he grinned at me as he continued. "And the second thought… well, I don't know why, but a little voice at the back of my mind said "this girl will be very, very important to you someday"."

My eyes grew in utter astonishment while Peter's grin merely widened, pleased with the memory in subject. "Heh, you know, it's so strange. I've never believed in "love at first sight" or any of that fairy tale nonsense. But…. I don't know; I just don't know. You were the first and last person I'd ever had that happen to. To this day, I can't explain it; I've never told anybody about it before either- you're the first." "P-Peter!" The sweetest chuckle erupted from his lips and I felt like I was going to die. "So weird….. Well, I don't know, but if any of that romance, fate stuff is true…. then I guess I've loved you from the first moment I saw you."


	44. What Are You Doing Here?

Peter carried me from the bathroom into the bedroom; the master one with a lock on it. He effectively kicked Paul out of it for the night. I was all wrapped up in a comfy towel cocoon, resting peacefully on the bed he placed me down upon. "If you're ok with me leaving the room for a sec, I'll go get you some dry clothes. Then I'll start packing and we'll get the hell out of here." "Yeah, that's fine. Just please lock the door," I nuzzled into the pillow; man, this was nice! Peter made sure I was all covered and warm before turning towards the door. He froze dead in his tracks at the sight of another person standing at its entrance. Big surprise, it was Gen; wisely not wearing Peter's bathrobe this time. Peter's face went from startled to enraged in two seconds flat.

"Out now!" "What is she….?" "Get out now! But don't go far; I want to talk to you." Oh boy, someone's in trouble. She must have known this too, since she immediately complied with Peter's command. He marched out of the room after her, turning to me one last time before exiting. "Won't be long, Covey. Just get some rest." Then the door shut, and I heard it lock from the outside; don't worry, I could still leave whenever I wanted- it automatically unlocked from the inside. I don't know who spoke first or what they said, but the moment he left the room a shouting match broke out. Gen was audibly louder than Peter.

But that the moment, I could have cared less. Peter could handle himself with her; I wasn't worried about that. I still was enjoying the sensation of elation from earlier. Sighing with a grin to myself, my eyes shut as my mind began to drift off. Fuzzy, indistinguishable images phased in and out of my stream of conscious. This was followed by soft, unrecognizable voices rising up from the recesses of my figure. _Forget all this for two minutes_. Mmmmmmm, this feels so lovely! _You will dream about me one more time before August_. So warm….. My perceiving essence slipped away from me. So, so warm….

Turns out that Peter didn't wake me right away. Apparently, I didn't have to go to the hospital since my body temperature was stable now. Lucky for us, a female med student was also at the party; he asked her and Chris to go check on me while I slept. Chris would later tell me that Peter stepped out of the room to make sure he didn't see anything… my naked body, I mean. Words cannot describe how happy that made me; to know that he didn't want to see my body without my permission. I think it was in that moment that my feelings for Peter intensified dramatically. I still wouldn't say I'm in love with Peter per se; like I told Chris, the next man I love will be the one I marry- if I do fall in love again. But there was something swelling up inside my heart. Peter began to carve his mark out on me, inside of me. This only added to my joy.

When I woke up- naturally I might add- I found Peter sleeping on the floor beside the bed. I think he worried it may have freaked me out if he slept in the bed with me. He woke up with my hand gently brushing my hair. From there, everything seemed to go in fast motion. I didn't need to go to the hospital, but I still got sick from the experience. Chris went to the closest pharmacy for medicine and Peter called my dad. It surprised me- in a good way- to learn that he also contacted Josh about the situation. Wow, he actually phoned Josh without my asking… Again, Peter felt endeared to me. He cared not only about me but my family and Josh… He knew this would cause him to worry; he knew and respected that. Peter… My eyes lowered adoringly onto him. Just when I don't think you can get any better, you surprise me. You always surprise me in the best ways.

Oh, and just to note, no; I don't know what Peter said to Gen or vice versa. And I didn't bother asking either; he clearly had bigger things on his mind at the moment. Still, he did inform me that Gen would buy me a new bottle of soap if I wanted. I respectfully declined; it would have been petty revenge if I accepted and to be fair, I never ordered it in the first place. That was the last I heard of their "conversation". I didn't see Gen at the house again though; she was either actively avoiding me or already left. We left pretty soon after I woke up too. Peter packed up the jeep and carried me to the back seat. While I was still suffering a fever, I slept the whole drive back, only waking once the car stopped in front of my house.

The front door opened around the same time Peter carefully helped me out of the jeep. Kitty ran out, followed by Josh; I guess he was hanging out at our place. "Whoa! You look awful!" My sister blurted with her usual lack of filter. I didn't reply; too tired. Josh looked horrified, immediately reaching his hand up to check my forehead. "Oh my god, you still have a fever," he gasped. "She's had one since I brought her out of the ocean. I gave her some medicine a while back," Peter explained, noticing Josh's concerned expression. "We should get her inside. I'll go start the kettle." "Alright, thanks bro. By the way, where's Stephen?" "He got called in; some early labour. Can you carry her upstairs? I told him I'd call once you guys got back, and I'll make her some tea." "Yeah, I can do that. Make sure it's green tea, ok?"

"Uh, hi? You two sound like a pair of moms," both men blinked over to Kitty, who was standing there with her arms cockily crossed. She simply smirked in response, leaning her stance a tad. "What do you mean, Kitty?" "Yeah, we're just worried about your sister." "Then why don't you let a professional take care of things?" Josh caught on instantly while Peter didn't understand what, or who she was referring to. Still wearing her knowing grin, Kitty then stepped out of the way to reveal the front door's threshold. Peter's eyes grew as a familiar figure emerged. My eyes would have grown too, if I hadn't had been so tired. We all looked to see none other than Margot stepping out into view. Peter's mouth hung open slightly in confusion while I just lowered my gaze. "M-Margot?" She grinned, though not uber happily, as she approached us. "Hello, Aerity. Long time, no see."


	45. Still Not Mine

"Here, I brought you some tea," I, and Peter who was sitting on the side of my bed, gazed over to see Josh enter my room. I grinned at him as he set down the teacup on my nightstand. "Thank you, Josh." "You're welcome, Aerity. I'm just glad you didn't have to go to the hospital." "Did you call Steven?" "Yeah, he said he'll be home in a couple of hours. He's not so worried anymore now that you're home and Margot's here." "Thanks, Sanderson," Peter sighed; this had been a long weekend for him too.

After nodding in his direction, Josh sat down on my side of the bed too and glanced down at me. "How are you feeling?" "Better, but I'm still really tired." "You'll probably feel that way for a few days. Just rest and take your time getting well, ok?" "Ok, Josh," my gentle grin widened. He mirrored my peaceful demeaner, smiling and reaching over to take hold of my hand. Peter saw but didn't interrupt. "I'm so glad you're alright. I had a heart attack when I heard that creep…." His head shook mid-sentence as if to banish the thought from his mind. "I'm sorry I worried you, Josh." "It's not your fault, and besides, nothing happened; that's all that matters," his eyes lowered onto mine; his hand giving mine a tender squeeze. "I couldn't live with myself if anything like that ever happened to you again….." "Josh," my own stare softened. He truly does love me, maybe not romantically right now but as a person. Just like how much I simply adored him….. the person he was.

Josh's eyes slowly moved from me to Peter, who was observing quietly from the end of the bed. Their stares met, lingering for a few seconds like that; it was clear they were having a private conversation. "Kavinsky….." "Sanderson." A short pause ensued before Josh's lips curled to a light grin. "Thank you." "Of course." With that, Josh lifted my hand up for a kiss. Then he gently placed it down and got up to leave. "We're out of fever meds. I'll run to the pharmacy to get some more." "Thanks, Sanderson. Take my jeep if you want." "Ok, thanks bro."

Just as Josh turned to exit the room, he literally almost bumped into Margot; she was standing in the door's threshold now. She blinked from him, back to me, and again to him. I did notice how wide her eyes were growing. "Where are you going, Josh?" "To the chemist. Your sister's…. out of meds." Margot's lips parted slightly, realization filling her expression. "Ah, I see… so then….?" "Uh, yeah. Yes, Margot….. I'm sorry," Josh's hand rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. And for the briefest moment, a wave of sorrow washed over Margot's face. But this was quickly washed away when she smiled; not a fake one, more understanding this is how it is. "There's nothing to be sorry about. I'm just happy you're here for Aerity." "Yeah, thanks for understanding, Margot." "It's no problem." Peter and I watched as Josh and Margot then hugged each other in my door frame. "Goodbye, Josh." "See you, Margot."

With one last look back at my sister, Josh left the scene. Margot waited for a second before letting out the hugest sigh. Peter looked very confused. "What was that all about?" He asked no one in particular. I didn't answer, too busy observing my sister. After a moment, she turned to face me and approached my bedside. "Margot….." My hand rose for hers, which she took; I could feel her trembling a tad. Seeing this, Peter took it as his que to make his exit. "Erm, I better go check on Kitty. See how that pizza delivery is comin'." He got up and left without another word. Margot waited until he was gone to shut the door and come sit on the bed.

"How are you feeling?" "Better, tired….." "That's good….." The following pause wasn't awkward surprisingly, considered what just transpired with Josh. Margot's thumb kept rubbing the skin of my hand. Still, I wanted to let her speak first; I'm sure there was much more going on in her mind at the moment. She took her time; again, the scenario not being uncomfortable like you think it would. Eventually she grinned, glancing at me through the corner of her eye. "You have questions." "Just a few," I chuckled. "Take your time, don't rush yourself." "Alright. First off, why are you here? I thought you were in Vancouver for the whole summer." "I'm just here for the weekend; I came back to do some stuff for my visa. I somehow managed to get an appointment on Saturday, if you can believe that." Ah; ok, that makes sense. It's difficult to submit your visa application in a foreign country.

"How's Vancouver?" Margot shrugged. "Pretty good; really nice weather. People are nice too." "Good," I've always liked Vancouver. Then it was time for the tense talk. I gave her hand a little, reassuring squeeze; she knew what would follow. "Margot, what happened with Josh… are you ok with it? With everything?" Another pregnant pause fell over us. Her lips parted a tiny bit again. "Yes, I'm ok. I won't lie, the first month in Vancouver was really hard. I can't count all the times I wanted to call Josh…. to apologize." "Josh also left for all June; to follow your example and get over…. you in a healthy way." "Looks like he succeeded," she muttered under her breath. I didn't say anything; what could I say to that? It didn't help that I still refused to part with Josh's beloved bead bracelet.

After another second, Margot let out another long sigh, staring off into nowhere thoughtfully. "No, I'm sorry, Aerity; I didn't mean it like that. I'm glad Josh has moved on…. I'm the one who broke up with him, after all." "And you?" I ventured to ask. "Well, the truth is that I've kind of moved on too. It was slow but gradual. After the first month or so, I reminded myself why I ended it with Josh in the first place. It still hurts a little but that doesn't change the fact…. I love him…. but he's not mine." _Not mine_. I remember her saying this exact same line three months ago, back when she and Josh had just broken up.

"Margot…..?" I drew in a deep, deep breath. She looked at me but didn't verbally reply. "Do you think…. that Josh may be mine?" If I asked her this when we were younger, she would have gotten super jealous and accused me of breaking a fundamental sister rule. But this time, in our adult lives, she merely stared at me with a vacant expression. "To tell you the truth, I don't know, Aerity," she said after a while. "I love Josh, and I know he loves me…. but I don't know if that'll ever be romantic love." She waited to respond again. "I don't know either, Aerity. Guess you'll just have to wait and see. But you never know; people change and you might be surprised." I gave a side-grin, not completely satisfied with her reply. But she continued, again staring off into blank space. "The way he looks at you…. yeah, I know he loves you; you are best friends, after all. You've always had this connection…"

Yet another lull in the conversation; I was losing track what number this was at this point. "And what about Peter? What's the deal with him?" "Ah, well it's kinda immature but we got into a "fake-relationship" back in June." "Oh…. why?" "To get his long-time girlfriend, Gen, off his back. He'd broken up with her and she wasn't taking it kindly." "Huh, that's not like you, Aerity." "No…. I guess not," I peered ponderingly up at my ceiling. Not like me, huh?

"So, are you two still a farce couple then?" "Well, I don't know….. we have a contract but never really talked about ending it; like when we should end it. I'm not sure….." "I thought you guys were dating for real," she admitted, surprising me a little. "Why do you say that?" "Because of the way he looks at you. Forget Josh, Peter's gaze…. I don't think I've ever seen adoration like that before." "Peter doesn't adore me," my hand waved around in the air. "Sure, he does. I mean just look at him. Why else would he let Josh fawn all over you?" "Because he knows how much Josh means to me. He'd never ask me to choose." "Did you ever think that might be because he loves you that much? And plus, maybe he sees Josh as more playful competition than anything." "Oh please; Josh and Peter are not competing with each other. There's no competition going on here."

Margot stared at me for a minute before standing up. "Here, I'll go get you some more tea." "Margot?" "You're right, Aerity. Maybe Peter isn't actively competing with Josh over who gets to date you. I mean like what? We don't live in that kind of sexist society anymore." "Thank god," I added; hooray for feminism. Her eyes lowered slightly, alarming me a bit at her sudden change of expression. "I wonder what Peter will do when he gets here…" "Who?" Who was she talking about? Josh was already here, and we just established that there's no competition going on. The way Margot looked at me right them startled me intently. Her eyes were serious and conflicted. "Dad said you don't remember." "Remember what?" Like a literal act of fate, all this noise and head motion had caused my fever to return. Little did either of us know that I was seconds away before collapsing unconscious onto my pillow. "Just for the record, Aerity: I'm team John." "Who's John?" I managed to get out before everything went black and the past minutes were wiped entirely from my mind.


	46. One's Elizabeth, Another's Natasha

" _The whole world is divided for him into two parts. One is she, and there is all happiness, hope, and light. The other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness."_

 _The next time my eyes opened, I knew I was dreaming. Must have passed out in my room; I think I was talking to Margot beforehand. I found myself in a cultivated garden; a botanic garden. I've always loved botanic gardens, and I don't know why. This one wasn't familiar to me however. I got up off the grass where I was laying and started to wander around aimlessly. My feet only came to a halt in front of a rose bush. A smile brushed over my lips as I leaned in to smell one. Ah, I love them. Something suddenly, softly caught my eyes from nearby. I love roses…._

 _My lips parted in mild confusion. There was an old-fashioned wooden swing in the garden. Sitting on it was the faceless man; the one I knew from previous dreams. He was swaying gently back and forth, all while watching me. It's him, my gaze lowered onto his figure. Mystery man… Slowly I made my way over to the swing, not taking my eyes off him; I wanted to absorb his essence. To feel his presence within me. It felt strange…. strange and warm._

 _Despite being featureless, I could tell his mouth was smiling. "Miss Covey." "Peter?" I ventured to ask; he'd still never told me his name. He didn't reply right away, instead opting to stare at me for a while. "Do you remember? The hours we used to spend here together. It was so long ago….." "Together?" My eyebrow rose puzzled. "Always together. Reading, conversing, playing by the roses." "Roses….?" Wait, why'd that seem familiar to me? His indistinguishable grin widened. "They're your favorite." Where have I heard this before? "You will always pick them for me," I said before realizing what was coming out of my mouth._

 _Mystery man grinned again, apparently pleased by this. His hand then proceeded to motion me forward. I obeyed, only to be surprised to find that the swing could hold both of us. It was so surreal; I swear I'd seen or heard about something like this before. From where, I couldn't say. But still… something about this resonated with me- deep from within me._

 _We stared at each other for a long time, not saying a word. Eventually his hand reached up to brush a few stray hairs from my cheek. "I wish this wasn't a dream," I finally uttered, totally losing myself in his adoring aura. "It doesn't matter. Your dream, my dream…. so long as I get to see you, to be so near you again….." His voice, oh his voice…. "You've been waiting a long time, haven't you? Waiting for me to remember…" "I don't blame you for forgetting; a part of me wished I could do the same. But I'm so thankful now….." His palm rested against the side of my right cheek for a second. "Reading Pride and Prejudice to me, bringing me flowers, pushing me on the swing… you always did everything you could to make me happy." "Of course, since loving you was so easy." And I looked into his vacant eyes, wanting nothing more than to hear the sound of his flawless voice._

" _Tell me a story, like you used to." "Once upon a time, there was a girl, and she was beautiful. She met a boy, and she showed him a new kind of world…" A pause. "Since then, the whole world is divided for him into two parts. One is she, and there is all happiness, hope, and light. The other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness." "That's from War and Peace," I gaze up curiously. He just stared down at me with absorbing eyes. "Yes… yes, we are"._

" _You may be his Elizabeth, but you are forever my Natasha."_


	47. Go Fly Free

"The joys of love are but a moment long. The pain of love endures the whole life long…" "Your eyes kissed mine, I saw the love in them shine." I looked back to see Josh emerge out our front door. He found me singing quietly to myself on the porch, waiting for Peter to return. He had driven Margot back to the airport, with Kitty insisting that she come along. Since I was still recovering from yesterday's events, everyone thought it best that I stay home. Luckily for me, I wasn't alone here. Josh didn't hesitate to keep me company.

He sat down on the porch step with me and held up a cup of hot chocolate. "I thought you might be thirsty." "Thanks," I received it with a smile. Oh Josh, always so considerate. A quiet moment fell over us as I sipped at my beverage. Admittedly it was a bit awkward; what happened to me disturbed Josh, particularly the fact that I could have been a victim for the second time in my life. That did not sit well with him- not at all. It was obvious just by the lines in his face, the tone of his voice….

"I'm so sorry, Aerity." "It's not your fault, Josh; it's not your or Peter's fault. It's just one of those things…." "I wish things were different." "I know, and so do I. But they are getting better," slowly but surely, they are getting better. Josh's eyes motioned up to meet mine. A faint semblance of a grin appeared in the corners of his lovely mouth. "This weekend's been hard for me too. First hearing about you, and then seeing Margot…" "Do you still love her?" "No, not like I used to. I'd be lying to say there wasn't a part of me that would always be hers, but…. it's different now. I can live with just that part now," his gaze lowered gently, thoughtfully. "I'm sorry, Josh," I tried to sound as understanding as possible. "Don't be; that's the way things are. Life's unpredictable that way," he then looked off into nowhere, making me wonder.

Neither of us broke the enviable silence for the longest minute. Eventually I blinked over to my beloved best friend. "Josh?" "Aerity?" His head spun back around to me. "You told me before I left to let you know if I had feelings for Peter." "I did," he responded quieter this time. I drew in the deepest breath possible. Above anything and everything else, I had to be honest; I owed him that. I had to tell him the truth without reservation… "I do; there's something there, Josh. When I look at him…. he's just…. yes, there's definitely something there. Something soft, something good…"

A very long pause. "Do you love him?" "Well, no; I wouldn't say that. You see, I decided a while ago that my heart belongs solely to my future husband. I'll only fall in love once more; I gotta make sure it's to the man I want to marry." "And you don't see yourself marrying Peter yet?" "Of course not! It's only been a couple of months," I retorted scandalized. Josh seemed pleased enough to hear this, nodding his head in that "approving" manner. "So, you like him then?" "Yes; yes, very much so." "I see…"

Yet a third lull in the conversation. I was a bit surprised when Josh interrupted the silence with a slight chuckle. My eyes blinked up at his face curious and a little confused. "Peter, huh? I understand that; I understand that perfectly." "J-Josh!" "Listen, Aerity; I won't say that I'm excited you're into another guy, after all this time…. but, in some bizarre way, I'm happy and relieved that it's someone like Peter. You have no idea…. well, I guess you do. You know that I love you, after all… and you love me." Josh, my lips parted ever so lightly.

"It's because I love you, Aerity, that I'll support whatever you decide. You've always been there for me, and what can I say? You did the same for me and Margot." "I supported you two because I didn't want to lose you. If I couldn't have you as a boyfriend, then I'd be happy with a best friend. Just so long as you stayed close to me," I freely admitted. Kitty was right; who am I kidding? I always knew she was right. So long as Josh was near me, that's all that mattered. This made him full out smile, peering at me through the corner of his eye. "Well it's the same with me now. If I can't have you as a girlfriend, then I'll keep you close as my best friend. It's especially easy if you choose someone like Peter."

My stare softened a tad. "I didn't choose Peter; at least not yet. And that's just the thing. I can't compete with Gen or Margot because neither of you have asked me out." "Well, that's the thing too. Peter and I just came out of serious relationships. I mean…. the last thing either of us want is for you to feel like the rebound. But that doesn't erase the fact that…." A fourth pregnant pause, allotting Josh time to gather his thoughts. "The truth is that whenever I'm with you, I feel so peaceful and happy. And I can tell that Peter feels the same. Just because we haven't officially asked you out doesn't mean that there's nothing there on our end." "I get that, and thank you," I grinned. I already knew all this, but it was nice to hear.

Josh sucked in a steadying gasp of air. "The truth is that I could care less how you feel about Peter. All I want is the reassurance that I'll get to be here with you, whether as a friend or future husband. It doesn't matter; all I care about now is staying together like this." "Oh Josh…." How… how was I supposed to answer him? What could I say to that? "If you eventually fall in love with Peter, then I'll be the first to help with the wedding plans. And if not, I'll be there for you then too. Whatever happens, our friendship won't change." Josh, tears slipped into my eyes. One rolled down my cheek as we looked at each other.

"I've come to realize something important for the past few years, Aerity: that our meeting was no coincidence or accident. It's so, so much more than that. When I look deep, deep down inside myself, I see all these desires lingering in my heart. I want you to be happy, I want you to smile and laugh a lot." "Josh…." His head came closer to mine, til our foreheads pressed together. Josh shut his eyes and mine simply cried more. The sound of Peter's jeep came rolling up in the distance, not that either of us were paying attention. "I don't know what I'll be able to do for you, but no matter what, I'll always be by your side."

I didn't realize it at the time, but that was the day that Josh gave me his blessing to spread my wings and fly. No matter how far I flew, he'd always be waiting for me back home. And while Josh and I remained best friends for the rest of our lives, he made this promise to me because he began to understand that he wasn't mine, or rather I wasn't his. He was my best friend. In later years he became my husband's best friend too.

(One more chapter to go!)


	48. Always

What kind of romantic are you? You can go onto Netflix and watch The Kissing Booth, or- god forbid- Fifty Shades of Grey. Those I guess have all the theoretical elements of a "love story". But for me, nothing can touch the love and passion in the real classics. I didn't know such intimacy existed before reading _War and Peace_. I couldn't comprehend the adoration in _Pride and Prejudice_. Just listen to this prose: "He stepped down, trying not to look at her, as if she were the sun. Yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking." (Leo Tolstoy) That to me, is more romantic than anything in modern media. We've spent so much time together, so I'm sure you already know: the man of my dreams does not caress my body with his hands; he touches my heart with his words.

" _What's your favorite thing in the world, Peter?" "Favorite thing? Huh, haven't given it much thought before." Peter and I were sitting outside the high school's main building on the field. We were fortunate enough to have one spare together in our second term of grade eleven. This was after he and Gen had started dating, but she didn't mind us hanging out alone during spare. She knew I'd never try anything, despite my feelings; and she was right. Still, I was glad to have this time with Peter. As it would later be the case with Josh and Margot, I didn't mind if he was available or not; I just wanted him near me, friend or otherwise._

 _I was half expecting him to say "Gen", since she was his girlfriend now; oh, the high school logic. Instead, he just stared up at the sky ponderingly. He just had chemistry, so his brain was a little tired. While he laid down, I sat up twiddling pieces of grass in my fingers. As a matter of fact, I don't think I could answer my question either. What was my favorite thing in the whole world? I guess it would have to be something I couldn't live without. But what was that? My family was the obvious answer, but I had something else in mind. Though I had no clue what that was. Maybe something I used every day or really loved, but what?_

 _Peter waited for me to say something else, only to speak when I didn't. "What's yours?" "Funny, I was just thinking about it and I don't know. It's actually kind of a hard question to answer." "Ugh, we have enough to think about with school," his hand gave a nonchalant wave as his eyes wandered back up to the sky. "Why don't we just watch the clouds or something?" "Cloud-watch?" I giggled, peering over at him. "What's wrong with that? It's mindless; we need the rest of our brain power for next period." "That's true…." Without realizing, I found myself observing Peter's face, his peaceful expression. I adored his image so much that I could resketch it in my mind from scratch. He wasn't actually smiling at the moment; I liked his face best when he smiled. He looked so glorious when he smiled…._

" _Covey?" "Huh?!" My spine immediately perked up; I suppose I let my mind wander off again. "You got really quiet just now." "Oh, sorry! I was… thinking." "About what?" Ugh, why'd he have to ask me that? I couldn't lie to him; well, I could, but I shouldn't! Not to Peter. Still, what was I supposed to say? That I'm thinking about how gorgeous he is when he smiles? Hahaha- no. "Oh, nothing much; just things… things I like." "Like what?" Nice going, Aerity. "How… people look when they're happy."_

" _How people look when they're happy? That makes you happy?" Peter chuckled, still staring up at the endless sky. I looked back at him and already knew the answer. "Yes." "You're a weird one, Covey." "I guess so…" My gaze rolled out in front of me, off into nowhere. Maybe it is a bit weird, but it's still true. I can't deny how happy it makes me, how beautiful Peter looks when he's happy; when he grins…. But I can't tell him that; no, I can't tell him. He wouldn't understand, especially now that he's dating Gen. It wouldn't be right. This is one thing I must keep to myself; how I feel when Peter smiles._

 _I hadn't noticed the quiet lull that came over us. Lost in my own array of thoughts, I unthinkingly turned my head suddenly and surprisingly caught Peter looking at me. He was smiling then…. My eyes started to widen as this indescribable feeling engulfed my entire being. It was like I was suddenly given the most enormous, precious present. Something I wanted to treasure, to hold onto with all my might. Our stares locked for a minute or so, until Peter broke the wonderful silence with a lighthearted chuckle._

" _What?" "You're smiling," my mouth blurred out, making me sound like a complete idiot. Peter watched me for another moment before widening his grin. "Course I'm smiling; I'm looking at you." That was the first memory I have of my heart actually skipping a beat. I was so stunned that I couldn't move. Peter wasn't immobile however, stretching his arms and resting his head back on the grass. His eyes gently shut to let his whole face absorb the bright, warm afternoon sun. "This feels so good." Another brilliant, supremely perfect smile. "Peter?" My throat managed to push up; I was still in a state of mild shock. "This better not be about my smile," he laughed and opened his eyes up to me. I simply, naturally stared….. I soaked in the essence, the aura of this impeccable man. His grin grew again- softly, painlessly. "I'm still wearing that smile you gave me," he told me; he said, and I felt like I was going to cry._

Josh and I watched as Peter emerged from his jeep. Josh stood up to greet him, giving him a welcoming nod, which Peter mirrored. "Hey man. Margot get on her plane alright?" "Yeah, she got through security just fine." "Thanks, bro," Josh sighed lightly. "Where's Kitty?" I asked, glancing up at the two; I was still sitting on the porch. "Ah, she wanted me to drop her off at the mall. She's gonna meet some friends who will drive her home later." "Ok, thank you," well that was good to know.

After watching me for a second, Peter blinked back over to Josh. Once again, the held a private conversation with their eyes; probably about our previous exchange. A moment later or so, Peter's head gave a tender, almost grateful nod to Josh. He responded with a small grin and relaxed body posture. "Thanks, Sanderson." "Sure thing, Kavinsky." Uh….. huh; what was that all about? I pondered gazing from one to another. They then shook hands and Josh turned down to face me. "I'll see you tonight, Aerity." "W-wait? You're leaving?" "Yeah. Peter wants… I mean I think you two need to have a talk." Oh…. ok? Still smiling, Josh's hand reached over to caress my cheek. "Bye, Aerity." "Uh, ok? See you tonight then, Josh." He made his exit, leaving me and Peter alone.

Once Josh was gone, Peter waited a second before sitting down on the porch beside me. He didn't speak right away, just clasping his hands and gazing off out in front of him considering. I wanted to say something but couldn't shake this feeling that I should wait; wait and let him talk first. So I did, patiently sitting there and peering over at him from time to time. He finally drew in a deep, long breath a couple of moments later.

"How… how do you feel?" "Better. My fever's gone." "That's good…." He didn't sound happy, still glowering off into nothing in particular. "Uh, Peter?" "Listen, Aerity," he interrupted me quietly. Aerity? Boy, he only calls me that when it's serious. Knowing that, I listened intently, waiting for him to gather all of his thoughts. "I'm so…. I'm so sorry. What happened at the party, it's my fault…." "What? No, it's not, Peter. It's not anyone's fault, except for that stupid jerk," who I can't remember the name of. "You're wrong; it is all my fault. I promised that I'd be there for you, that I wouldn't let anything happen to you." "You can't promise something like that; no one can. It's impossible to keep. It was unfortunate, but there's no point in blaming yourself…. I don't blame you." "Covey…." Peter peaked over to me in the corner of his eye.

"It's not your fault, Peter. Please don't think it is." "Well, maybe. Even if it's not, it's just… what kind of boyfriend am I if I can't protect you? That shouldn't have happened; not with me there." Boyfriend? My eyebrow perked up. Doesn't he mean "fake-boyfriend"? "But you did protect me; you took such good care of me once you found me. You even came out into the ocean to get me. No one's ever done anything like that for me before." "That doesn't count. I was acting on instinct." "That's why it does count. How many boyfriends have instinct to take care of their girlfriends like that?" I retorted tenderly. "Yeah, well I….." But he couldn't think of a good rebuttal; he merely sat there, watching me now for a good minute. Just one minute mind you.

"Be that as it may, I'm still really sorry. I'm the one who invited you to the party; I'm the reason Gen harassed you; I'm the one who didn't save you on the beach….." "You are the one who got me out, who warmed me up, and who hasn't left my side for the past three days. You came just in time before I got seriously sick or worse…." Another brief pause slipped into the conversation, giving me time to smile to myself. Peter noticed this right away, though didn't verbally address it. "The fact that you came for me at all. You….. have no idea what that means to me," my grin grew as I turned to face Peter straight on. Not all men are dangerous predators, not all men want to hurt me; I can say that definitively now. Josh used to be the only exception, but not anymore. I can start to open my heart up once again. It's safe physically enough for me now to trust again, to love…. "You came for me; that's enough," a single tear rolled down my cheek, joining the dry ones left over from Josh earlier.

I suddenly felt my hand being lifted up. My watery eyes blinked in surprise to see Peter holding my hand dearly in his. "P-Peter?" "You say that, but it doesn't feel like enough. Not for you…" Peter…. This man. "Covey?" "Yes?" This wonderful, wonderful man. "I think…. I think I'm in love with you." The man with the superlatively glorious smile; a smile that could make my heart stop. "…. Yes," that's all I could think to reply. Yes; if I had any doubts before the trip, they were all gone now. He loved me, it was there now…. Our eyes met each other's again. I could see it in that smile of his.

We stayed like that for a long time afterwards. Back in high school, Peter probably would have at least expected me to say "I love you" in return. But not now. I knew him and he wasn't going to rush me into anything. That's one of the many things I adored about Peter Kavinsky: above all, he wanted me to feel comfortable and take my time. In that instant, I felt like I had won the lottery boyfriend-wise. He'd wait patiently for me, just like Josh did. No rush, no pressure; just his love for me. Yep; somehow, I won the lottery. And all without buying a ticket.

After a while, Peter grinned and brought my hand up to his lips where he kissed it repeatedly. This made me smile- a true, honest smile. Then he lowered it, stilling holding on, to look me in the eye. "Covey." "Peter." "Stay with me." "Always," I didn't even have to think; it was right there in my mind. Peter's strong arms proceeded to wrap around me, pressing me tight up against him. I held him back, nuzzling my face into his shoulder. Man, he smelt good. And Peter must have thought the same. I felt him take a deep sniff of my hair; I could also practically feel his eyes shut in the most tender, most passionate way. "You smell like flowers." Peter… My own eyes gently closed as I held him as near to me as humanly possible. "Always, Peter."

Always.


	49. Epilogue

No One's P.O.V.-

Kitty was in the living room, watching reruns of Being Ian. Aerity was out with Peter and Josh was busy that afternoon. With her dad at work and other sister in Vancouver, she consequently had the house to herself for the day. Nothing but lemonade, too many bags of chips, and mindless early-2000s shows. All seemed perfect until the doorbell rang.

"Ugh!" Kitty rolled her eyes before tossing the remote onto the couch. And everything was all setup too! Annoyed, she stomped over to the front door, opening it quite severely. Half-expecting to see girl scouts selling cookies, her stare immediately widened when she found a tall, slim, and very handsome man on the other side. He was wearing an Oxford blazer, complete with dress shirt and fancy black shoes. The most surprising feature was the two dozen roses he held in one arm. In his other hand was an old letter with his childhood address on it. It was written in pink ink. He smiled at the young girl warmly. "Hello there; you must be Kitty. My name is John Ambrose. Is Miss Aerity Covey home?" And boy, did Kitty's jaw just hang open; her stare wide and dumbfounded. "Uh oh!" Was all she managed to spit out.


	50. Thanks for Reading!

Thank you for reading! This was a lot of fun to write and all of your support really helped. This will be a two-parter story, with the second part starting when the sequel movie comes out on Netflix. Until then, let me know if you want me to write anything else! I would love to keep writing but am fresh out of ideas. If you have any fanfiction you'd like to see, let me know!

Thank you again everyone. Lara Jean, Peter, Josh, and now John will be returning soon!


	51. Part Two Coming Soon!

[Author's Note:

Greetings all my lovely readers! I have wonderful news! Part 2 of this fanfiction will be coming out around the same time the movie does on Netflix. Get ready for some PaulxLara Jean (Aerity)! (But don't worry too much about Peter; if you read the books you know who ends up with who).

I'm looking forward to writing for all you lovelies again and hope you enjoy the story!

Warm regards,

PonderRose]


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